Many
friendships, when seen on the surface, seem to be these wonderful, magical,
beautiful relationships. I am sure there are moments where this is so, but not
all moments, and often there are strong undercurrents of suppressed feelings and emotions hiding beneath the surface.
When I investigated into how I had grown up in my friendships, mostly starting
from my early teens, I found some pretty nasty
stuff going on in the background. There were definitely good times, intimate moments, trust build, and bonding happening, but when being completely self-honest, I found dimensions of myself that were subtly rotting the foundation upon which friendships are built.
I saw it
first hand while investigating my own past, like a personal private
detective, so that I could sort it out for myself, and clear MY
starting point of how I have been living within and as 'friendships'. But I
have also seen it hundreds or thousands of times, through television, movies, hollywood,
and social media. The truth of the hidden nastiness existent within friendships
is in all of these places, because it is in all of us.
This leads me to question: is a friendship just something that
happens naturally, following a natural progression without any intervention or
effort from those involved? Who am I as a friend, within a friendship? Why do
some friendships feel like work and effort?
For me personally, when I really take a good, hard, self-honest
look at who I have been within friendships throughout my life, I do not feel
proud. I can see that, underneath the fun and good times, there were subtle
(and sometimes not so subtle) layers of comparison, judgment, jealousy and
spite. Included in this mix, are
feelings of rejection, when I lost friends, as well as feelings of guilt, when
I did not keep in touch with friends after having said I would.
Self-forgiveness to clear the starting point of friendship:
Comparison:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
compare myself to friend A, thinking I am better because I believed I could draw better, climb better, jump higher, I believed I had better ideas,
was thinner, taller, and friend A would follow me around and always put the
effort in to being with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
of all the ways I perceive myself to be ‘better’ or ‘more advanced’ than someone and then use that in order to place myself in a position of superiority in relation to them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think,
believe or perceive that within a friendship, there is always one that is
better, and one that is less, instead of looking at all the
qualities of both individuals, in order to learn from and strengthen each
other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think,
believe and perceive that there must be a lover, and a beloved, wherein I
believed that within a friendship, the dynamic is only satisfied when one is in
a position of longing and idolatry, and the other is idolized and cherished,
instead of creating a relationship of equality, where strengths are shared and
weaknesses developed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek
to place myself into either the position of beloved/idolized, or
lover/idolizer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place
myself above another within the belief or perception that I am in the position
of the ‘beloved/idolized’, or to place myself below another, believing I am in
the position of ‘lover/idolizer’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go
into ego within friendships where I believed I was the superior one, blinding
myself from parts of the other,s and suppressing or hiding those parts of me I
saw as weakness, and believing I should dictate to the other what to do and how
to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go
into inferiority when I believed I was in the position of lover/idolizer,
believing nothing I could do was as good as my friend, feeling insecure and
like I needed to be told what to do and how to be from my friend, instead of
having the self-trust and confidence to express my strengths and develop my
weaknesses.
Judgment:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have
judged friend B for being bossy, neurotic, controlling and manipulative because
of certain personality traits she had based on her life experience, and how I
interacted with those traits
.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
friend B and supress my own potential solutions for our friendship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
friend B and go into reactions of dislike avoidance and spite, within this I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid and eventually
‘drop’ friend B, leaving it awkward and uncomfortable between us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge friend
B in my mind, and go into internal conversations and back chat, as well as
gossiping about her with others that knew her, instead of deciding to speak up
about what I saw within friend B and her behaviour, in order to gain clarity
and understanding, and having her also hear from me and my experience within
the friendship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame
friend B, holding friend B entirely responsible for the ‘failure’ of the
friendship, instead of looking at myself and taking self-responsibility within
the understanding that ‘it takes two to tango’, and understanding that I could
have changed the dynamics between us.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather
end/leave the friendship, than to face myself and who I was within the
friendship, thus living the statement that I am powerless to change, influence
or direct the friendships within which I am a participant.
Jealousy:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and
become jealous of friend A when boys began to become interested in her, while I
had no boys interested in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin
to place myself in an inferior position within the friendship, because I
thought and believed that friend A was now superior due to having a boyfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become
jealous that friend A had a boyfriend because I saw her as inferior, and that I
should be the one with the boyfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
question everything of myself, because I had no boyfriend or prospect of a
boyfriend, not seeing and realizing that I had built myself up on a foundation
of belief, instead of truly honouring those qualities of me as real and
substantial.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go
into jealousy that friend A got a boyfriend because I believed I was unlikeable
and too shy to talk to boys in that way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
jealousy and resentment that friend A got a boyfriend instead of seeing and
realizing that I didn’t want a boyfriend yet, and was not ready to be in a
relationship yet, but instead thought that because friend A was now in a
relationship, I should now be in one and in a better one with a better boy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and
become jealous that friend A got a boyfriend because I didn’t know friend A had
it in her to be ready for a relationship and talking to boys in this way, and
in that, then looked at myself seeing I was not yet at that stage, then going
into spite, self-judgment and jealousy because I compared myself to her, instead
of practicing self-understanding through
self-introspection.
Spite:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
participate within and as spite in my friendships, thus creating a wall
preventing a potential bond of intimacy between two individuals.
How would I like to live the word ‘friendship’ from here on out?
Friendship = free end ship
Free = no charges
End = found within action words like ‘mend’, as I can, within
friendship, correct myself and then reactions I have, in a way, a ‘mending’ of
myself. ‘Lend’ as into ‘lend a hand’, reach out. And also ‘tend’, as in to ‘tend
to a garden’. Also, to put an ‘end’ to
my past patterns of behaviour.
Ship = the vessel created between two people, where both would
strive to keep the ship afloat – no baggage on this ship.
I will continue with how I would like to live the word 'friendship' from here forth in my next blog.
Thank you
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