Day 135- Stop, and Change

The fact is that I’ve realized that I subconsciously manipulate myself with self-sabotage, by using internal emotional energetic experiences such as fear and uncertainty. I use these as excuses to not move myself so that I create a loss of control in my life which justifies the certain specific habits I have which give me the ‘experience’ of control. This is an 'experience, and not an actual physical doing, thus it is just a feeling inside, and does not actually translate into any kind of peace/order/control in my life and world.
I am addicted to the energetic experience of control, and fear keeps me in line from letting it go, meaning, I both don’t want to stop, and am scared to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to feed my addictionto the energetic experience of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to sabotage myself by continuing to use excuses and justifications to not have to seethings through that would give me back control of my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on things as soon as they become difficult or complicated, wherein if they are not easy or handed to me I find any excuse to give up, particularly and specifically with things that would give me the most control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking control of my Life and world because then I would be responsible and accountable, whereas if everything is out of control then I don’t really have to step up to the plate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate in behavior that is not best for me, because my decision to

change was not genuine, it stems from the desire to avoid negative consequences, wherein, my desire to changestood in opposition to my desire to not change, creating friction, resistance and conflictwithin me, instead of understanding my desire to not change, and then standing up from within not wanting to change until I have in fact changed.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore my desire to not change until I understand iit in it’s entirety.

 

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