Day 197- Divorce: 6 Months Later

Ending an 8 year marriage has been a very interesting process for me thus far. It has taught a lot about myself in terms of relationships and the emotional and feeling energy that drives me and ‘overrides’ my self-honest self-direction. I have noticed that I have been finding it difficult to remain self-honest during this time that I have been alone, living alone after having lived so closely with another for so long. I’m am very grateful for the time and effort I put in to myself for the past 4 years that I have been studying and applying the Desteni tools, as they have taught me how to develop life-skills that have ‘kept me together’ so to speak, throughout some very difficult times and transitions.  

The work that I have done with the  tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application have been invaluable for me these past few months. I had, over the years, created a platform from which I can stand on as I have followed through my decision to relocate and start over in a way that’s best for me since my husband and I decided to separate. Actually, I have used the tools to direct my world since I first started understanding how they function, and since I have begun to lag on my commitment to writing, I have noticed myself coming apart in terms of falling back into old habits and patterns, ever so slowly.

Having now experienced both dedication and falling, I have seen a clear difference in how the use of the Desteni tools impacts my entire life and world. Within this differentiation, the choice is clear to me that it is and has always been most beneficial to me to continue walking this process.

The point that has been too obvious for me to ignore recently has been the point of relationship.  I have found myself to be desiring a relationship for reasons that are not self-honestly best for me. I know very well that if I compromise myself and place the responsibility for who I am and how I feel onto another, then any relationship will be doomed to failure. I see, realize and understand that I need to stand on my own two feet in order to be able to walk with any kind of integrity in this world. I see, realize and understand that integrity takes time to build and prove to self, and most importantly, I see that I have been using the idea of relationships to distract myself from the work I need to do. This distraction prevents me from building integrity.

This is not to say  I need to shut myself off from others, but rather that I need to be clear about who I am within and as  the starting point of the decisions I am making. Within the following self-forgiveness, I am taking myself back from using the idea of relationships as a form of self-sabotage, so that I can stand clear, instead of falling back into the same patterns I have lived since I started dating. Writing makes this clarity possible, so that the next relationship I enter into will not be one of dependence, blame and self-victimization, but rather an equal partnership wherein both members are better for the integration.

 

To view the process I have walked through divorce thus far, check out this link: http://www.pinterest.com/kimberlydkline/divorce/ 

http://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Uncertainty.jpg

 Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy, distract and medicate myself with thoughts, fantasies and energetic feelings about relationships and a relationship.

When and as I see that I am escaping and running into my mind in order to leave the present moment for ‘something better’ than being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I ground myself back here within the understanding that I can do very little of any benefit for myself or anyone else if I am not fully present and grounded Here, in reality, where things actually count.

I commit myself to ring myself back Here when I have the urge to escape into my mind.

I commit myself to face the consequences and outflows of escaping into my mind, and to face and be open to the reality that I am in and of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to daydream about alternative futures of better times if I settle down with specific individuals and live a different kind of life than what I had previously expected or planned for.

When and as I see that I am not practically planning, but rather creating alternate fantasy worlds and futures, I stop, and I breathe. I pull myself  back into myself  within the understanding that I need to have specific goal achieved through specific tasks in order to have any influence on my own future, and that it will never be ‘better then’ if I do nothing to better myself here, now, in and as the present moment.

I commit myself to decide upon which goals I want to achieve within an understanding of what they are and why I have chosen them.

I commit myself to make choices that are best for me and to the best benefit of all as equal to me and one with me as I am a part of this whole. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself stagnant Here, in the present moment, by delving into the mind and traveling into imagined futures, playing out my wants and desires in my mind while at the same time, actually doing less in the present moment, which is the only moment I have to work towards actually practically building a future for myself.

When and as I intentionally or automatically travel into the imagined futures in my mind, satisfying my every want and desire, I ground myself back in reality by reminding myself that I have real, physical needs that need to be properly met, and I have practical wants and desires based on principles which, when I base my actions upon these principles, the result is the best version of myself and thus best for all as me.

I commit myself to bring myself back to, and move myself within and as the present moment, in presence and awareness, and within the realization that I know what I need to do, and I know how to figure out what needs to be done in order for me to achieve it.

I commit myself to become the living realization that I can organize my life and world in such a way that I am able to properly care for and provide for myself on both a physical and psychological level, by disciplining myself with regards to my finances, my time, and my living application of caring for my physical body, clearing, clarifying and sorting out my mind and the actions that I produce, through writing myself out in order to see my words clearly in front of me. In this way, I can see through my fantasy world to Who I can actually be, and ensure that the result of Who I Am is aligned with who I intend to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that because I am unclear of how I will direct myself and towards which goals I should work, that I should do nothing and wait for things to sort themselves out, and to simultaneously appease the desire to work towards something by fantasizing about relationships or a relationship with a specific individual.

When and as I see that I am looking for ‘things o happen’, or for the experience of ‘things happening’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and into physical reality where nothing happens unless I direct it to happen.

I commit myself to pull the realization through that when I am completely preoccupied, nothing is happening, I am getting nothing done and thus building nothing and going nowhere; whereas when I function within full presence, things get done, I build myself and my world, and I move.

I commit myself to sort out my goals and bring clarity through regarding what it is I am going to focus on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave towards another in ways which will make them desire a relationship with me, in order to try and attempt to place myself in a position where a relationship is possible if I so desire, in order to give myself the comfort and security that I will be okay and taken care of, and I will have a partner and not be alone.

When and as I see that I am holding onto the desire for a relationship as a form of comfort, distraction and security, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself  within the realization that I am the only one who can comfort, secure and be with myself in a way that is real and lasting, whether I am alone or within a partnership or agreement.

I comit myself to let go of the desire for a relationship, and bring myself back to me in order to establish a self-relationship based on principle and actual care, love and support, in order that I may be able to provide the same foe others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone in this life.

When and as I feel overwhelmed at the thought of being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to this moment within the realization that I am right here.

I commit myself to get to know myself and take myself back in all the little and big ways I had given myself away and abandoned myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back here when I see I am seeking to escape and thus abandon myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop taking care of myself when I am alone because I lose my motivation due having ‘no point’ in taking good care of myself, because there is no one specifically to care for me, cherish me and make me feel ‘safe’ and ‘loved’.

When and as I feel that there is ‘no point’ in caring for myself anymore because I feel there is no one outside of me caring for me because I am not in a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I AM the Point, and that I don’t need someone outside of myself to have to show me that I am worth the time, effort, motivation and discipline to care for myself in great detail and with great specificity.

I commit myself to continue to stand back up and start walking my process again for me and all as me. In the ways that I can within the parts of reality in which I am a participant.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I Am the Point, and that I can take good care of myself for Me, and that I can cherish myself and comfort myself on a physical and psychological level, as I am the most valuable resource I have.

When and as I see that I am feeling ‘less valued’ because I am not receiving the positive energy feedback reward from another, which makes me ‘feel good’ about myself as motivation to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization that I have to put in an actual directed effort to motivate myself, as self-motivation, because I cannot live my life depending upon others outside myself to ‘give’ me the energy to move myself throughout my day.

I commit myself to walk a process of learning and practicing self-motivation until it becomes automatic and normal in terms of how I function and operate and direct myself.

I commit myself to push myself to move myself to live to my utmost potential, beginning with the small, and small steps at first, in order to be able to move myself whether I am in a relationship/partnership/agreement or not.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself for the fleeting illusions I am able to create in my mind, which take me away from myself and diminish my self-awareness, my presence, my stand, and my ability to move myself through the practical daily tasks that require to be tended to.

When and as I see that I am using fantasy and illusion and escape into the mind as a way to avoid facing and moving myself Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-awareness, presence, and standing by reminding myself that the only way to continue to take my power back and direct myself and my world in a way that is best, is by functioning uninfluenced in the present moment, by operating as a whole, Here.

I commit myself to stop my addiction to the instant gratification of fantasy and illusion and to instead face the reality that anything of real value must be built, step by step, over time and with consistency, in order to create a platform of self-support, to be able to become the human I want to be, to realize my potential and effect change in myself and that which I am a direct participant within.

I commit myself to support myself Here, by bringing myself out of my mind and back Here, where I actually exist in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself in my mind when I am riding the metro, experiencing down-time at work, and falling to sleep at night, by imagining relationship scenarios in which I am a different person, instead of grounding myself Here, into and as the person that I actually am, and working towards making the changes that I know are necessary to be made.

When and as I see that I am stealing moments from myself in actual reality In order to create myself in in an alternate reality in my mind by participating within and as thoughts of Who and How I can be and experience myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-realization by reminding myself that these are moments that I am actually losing and giving up, and that these moment are thus then wasted and I cannot get them back; however I can take myself back within the time I still have, and utilize every moment to instead create myself as a self-honest being with clear direction, aim and purpose.

I commit myself to direct, aim and align myself to the purpose of becoming a being of integrity through developing the self-trust, self-responsibility, self-acceptance and self-worth that require to be developed for myself in this life.

To script yourself back into alignment with a Life of integrity, learn these self-supportive writing tools, visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours and supports yourself to Live a Life that benefits yourself and those around you. - See more at: http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/04/day-178-divorce-avoiding-self.html#sthash.RFcQy0Pr.dpuf

 

 

Day 24- I'm Not Worthy?

     The point I am looking at is self-worth, specifically, not feeling important enough or good enough for another, but rather, defining my self-worth into and as another instead of standing within my self-worth. Specifying more- I saw that I give my power away to another by calling it ‘trust’ in another, when really it is/was abdication of my self-responsibility to stand within my self-worth, by making it the job of another. I also want to touch on taking the actions of another personally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as ‘not important enough’ for another, in a relationship, wherein I feel I don’t have enough to offer as who I am, but need to ‘do more’ and ‘be more’ in order to have the other consider me as worthy of being with/spending time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and/or perceive that I don’t have ‘enough to offer’ in a relationship with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘do more’ in order to compensate for the self-created belief that ‘I am not enough’ as who I am in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘be more’ in a relationship, as a reaction to the self-created perception/belief that I am not enough for another to be with or spend time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to another to consider me ‘worthy’ by judging their actions and words towards me wherein I look for indicators of my worthiness, instead of standing within my worth by not accepting or allowing the thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs about me not being enough, doing enough or being worthy enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for, seek and search out indicators or signe of my worthiness within the actions and words of another, instead of accepting myself as worthy within self-responsibility as a statement of Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire perception, definition and belief of myself as unworthy through, over the years and through relationships, abdicating my self-worth to others, wherein I would never find it because it can only ever come from me, so instead of standing within my self-worth, I constantly looked for it within my relationships, and in never finding it, confirmed to myself that it is/was simply ‘not there,’ instead of realizing that I am self-worth, I am worthy of me, and I am enough- and I accept that as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the perception, belief and definition of myself as not important enough and not good enough, by defining my importance outside of myself, in relationships, wherein I would not nor will ever find it because it is simply not there, it is and has always been right Here, within myself as a human being, equal to and one with all other humans beings as who I am, as who we all are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unimportant, and to confirm that feeling through looking for my self-definition within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I’m not good enough, and to confirm it over and over again by defining myself within relationships.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand within self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself abdicate my self-worth to another, and then to deceive myself by calling it trust, as I have trusted another with my self-worth, which is essentially giving my power away to another, and giving them the responsibility to not hurt me and ‘make me worthy’, which is just the experience of worthiness, and not actual living worth, which only I can gift to me and live for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by defining myself within and as them/the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to hurt me because I have defined myself within and as them, and within and as my relationship with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can hurt me/wrong me or intentionally cause me emotional pain, instead of realizing that the other is only deceiving themselves, which has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the actions of another personally, as if it is all about me, instead of considering that each is in their own process, and I can only be responsible for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as emotional pain and jealousy, instead of standing up as Who I am, thus gifting myself back to me within self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that my relationship is all about me, instead of considering my partner equally, and standing with him/as him as an equal being who supports myself, and as a result, supports him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be victimized or abused emotionally, instead of realizing that I can only victimize and abuse myself within and through separation, by placing my self-definition outside of me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my emotional energetic experiences by not participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be the victim and the abused as blame, wherein I blame another for apparently causing me to feel a certain way, instead of looking within myself in self-honesty, to see the starting point of my reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being important enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partner leaving me.

I see, realize and understand that I fear not being important enough, not being good enough, and being hurt, because these things exist within me already, wherein I have already defined myself as not good enough and not important enough, and I know that, thus the fear exists that I will have to face that, which I did/do because of the actions of another, thus creating the experience of hurt, which I can bring back to myself and see that I have hurt myself by defining myself as unworthy, unimportant, and not good enough- when, in fact, obviously I am.

When and as I see myself participating in the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough, not important enough and unworthy, I STOP, and I BREATHE. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am responsible for me- not another, and not my relationship, but ME, and I remind myself that I accept me, I allow myself to stand within self-worth, I am the most important being as I am all I have in this life, and…

I commit myself to myself and my process of self, wherein I commit me to gifting me back to myself in my entirety.

I commit myself to taking myself back from relationships, and creating a self-relationship of self-support and self-equality.

I commit myself to STOP defining myself within relationships outside of myself.

I commit myself to stand within self-worth, no matter what happens within my relationship.