Day 197- Divorce: 6 Months Later

Ending an 8 year marriage has been a very interesting process for me thus far. It has taught a lot about myself in terms of relationships and the emotional and feeling energy that drives me and ‘overrides’ my self-honest self-direction. I have noticed that I have been finding it difficult to remain self-honest during this time that I have been alone, living alone after having lived so closely with another for so long. I’m am very grateful for the time and effort I put in to myself for the past 4 years that I have been studying and applying the Desteni tools, as they have taught me how to develop life-skills that have ‘kept me together’ so to speak, throughout some very difficult times and transitions.  

The work that I have done with the  tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application have been invaluable for me these past few months. I had, over the years, created a platform from which I can stand on as I have followed through my decision to relocate and start over in a way that’s best for me since my husband and I decided to separate. Actually, I have used the tools to direct my world since I first started understanding how they function, and since I have begun to lag on my commitment to writing, I have noticed myself coming apart in terms of falling back into old habits and patterns, ever so slowly.

Having now experienced both dedication and falling, I have seen a clear difference in how the use of the Desteni tools impacts my entire life and world. Within this differentiation, the choice is clear to me that it is and has always been most beneficial to me to continue walking this process.

The point that has been too obvious for me to ignore recently has been the point of relationship.  I have found myself to be desiring a relationship for reasons that are not self-honestly best for me. I know very well that if I compromise myself and place the responsibility for who I am and how I feel onto another, then any relationship will be doomed to failure. I see, realize and understand that I need to stand on my own two feet in order to be able to walk with any kind of integrity in this world. I see, realize and understand that integrity takes time to build and prove to self, and most importantly, I see that I have been using the idea of relationships to distract myself from the work I need to do. This distraction prevents me from building integrity.

This is not to say  I need to shut myself off from others, but rather that I need to be clear about who I am within and as  the starting point of the decisions I am making. Within the following self-forgiveness, I am taking myself back from using the idea of relationships as a form of self-sabotage, so that I can stand clear, instead of falling back into the same patterns I have lived since I started dating. Writing makes this clarity possible, so that the next relationship I enter into will not be one of dependence, blame and self-victimization, but rather an equal partnership wherein both members are better for the integration.

 

To view the process I have walked through divorce thus far, check out this link: http://www.pinterest.com/kimberlydkline/divorce/ 

http://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Uncertainty.jpg

 Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy, distract and medicate myself with thoughts, fantasies and energetic feelings about relationships and a relationship.

When and as I see that I am escaping and running into my mind in order to leave the present moment for ‘something better’ than being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I ground myself back here within the understanding that I can do very little of any benefit for myself or anyone else if I am not fully present and grounded Here, in reality, where things actually count.

I commit myself to ring myself back Here when I have the urge to escape into my mind.

I commit myself to face the consequences and outflows of escaping into my mind, and to face and be open to the reality that I am in and of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to daydream about alternative futures of better times if I settle down with specific individuals and live a different kind of life than what I had previously expected or planned for.

When and as I see that I am not practically planning, but rather creating alternate fantasy worlds and futures, I stop, and I breathe. I pull myself  back into myself  within the understanding that I need to have specific goal achieved through specific tasks in order to have any influence on my own future, and that it will never be ‘better then’ if I do nothing to better myself here, now, in and as the present moment.

I commit myself to decide upon which goals I want to achieve within an understanding of what they are and why I have chosen them.

I commit myself to make choices that are best for me and to the best benefit of all as equal to me and one with me as I am a part of this whole. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself stagnant Here, in the present moment, by delving into the mind and traveling into imagined futures, playing out my wants and desires in my mind while at the same time, actually doing less in the present moment, which is the only moment I have to work towards actually practically building a future for myself.

When and as I intentionally or automatically travel into the imagined futures in my mind, satisfying my every want and desire, I ground myself back in reality by reminding myself that I have real, physical needs that need to be properly met, and I have practical wants and desires based on principles which, when I base my actions upon these principles, the result is the best version of myself and thus best for all as me.

I commit myself to bring myself back to, and move myself within and as the present moment, in presence and awareness, and within the realization that I know what I need to do, and I know how to figure out what needs to be done in order for me to achieve it.

I commit myself to become the living realization that I can organize my life and world in such a way that I am able to properly care for and provide for myself on both a physical and psychological level, by disciplining myself with regards to my finances, my time, and my living application of caring for my physical body, clearing, clarifying and sorting out my mind and the actions that I produce, through writing myself out in order to see my words clearly in front of me. In this way, I can see through my fantasy world to Who I can actually be, and ensure that the result of Who I Am is aligned with who I intend to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that because I am unclear of how I will direct myself and towards which goals I should work, that I should do nothing and wait for things to sort themselves out, and to simultaneously appease the desire to work towards something by fantasizing about relationships or a relationship with a specific individual.

When and as I see that I am looking for ‘things o happen’, or for the experience of ‘things happening’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and into physical reality where nothing happens unless I direct it to happen.

I commit myself to pull the realization through that when I am completely preoccupied, nothing is happening, I am getting nothing done and thus building nothing and going nowhere; whereas when I function within full presence, things get done, I build myself and my world, and I move.

I commit myself to sort out my goals and bring clarity through regarding what it is I am going to focus on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave towards another in ways which will make them desire a relationship with me, in order to try and attempt to place myself in a position where a relationship is possible if I so desire, in order to give myself the comfort and security that I will be okay and taken care of, and I will have a partner and not be alone.

When and as I see that I am holding onto the desire for a relationship as a form of comfort, distraction and security, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself  within the realization that I am the only one who can comfort, secure and be with myself in a way that is real and lasting, whether I am alone or within a partnership or agreement.

I comit myself to let go of the desire for a relationship, and bring myself back to me in order to establish a self-relationship based on principle and actual care, love and support, in order that I may be able to provide the same foe others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone in this life.

When and as I feel overwhelmed at the thought of being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to this moment within the realization that I am right here.

I commit myself to get to know myself and take myself back in all the little and big ways I had given myself away and abandoned myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back here when I see I am seeking to escape and thus abandon myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop taking care of myself when I am alone because I lose my motivation due having ‘no point’ in taking good care of myself, because there is no one specifically to care for me, cherish me and make me feel ‘safe’ and ‘loved’.

When and as I feel that there is ‘no point’ in caring for myself anymore because I feel there is no one outside of me caring for me because I am not in a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I AM the Point, and that I don’t need someone outside of myself to have to show me that I am worth the time, effort, motivation and discipline to care for myself in great detail and with great specificity.

I commit myself to continue to stand back up and start walking my process again for me and all as me. In the ways that I can within the parts of reality in which I am a participant.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I Am the Point, and that I can take good care of myself for Me, and that I can cherish myself and comfort myself on a physical and psychological level, as I am the most valuable resource I have.

When and as I see that I am feeling ‘less valued’ because I am not receiving the positive energy feedback reward from another, which makes me ‘feel good’ about myself as motivation to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization that I have to put in an actual directed effort to motivate myself, as self-motivation, because I cannot live my life depending upon others outside myself to ‘give’ me the energy to move myself throughout my day.

I commit myself to walk a process of learning and practicing self-motivation until it becomes automatic and normal in terms of how I function and operate and direct myself.

I commit myself to push myself to move myself to live to my utmost potential, beginning with the small, and small steps at first, in order to be able to move myself whether I am in a relationship/partnership/agreement or not.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself for the fleeting illusions I am able to create in my mind, which take me away from myself and diminish my self-awareness, my presence, my stand, and my ability to move myself through the practical daily tasks that require to be tended to.

When and as I see that I am using fantasy and illusion and escape into the mind as a way to avoid facing and moving myself Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-awareness, presence, and standing by reminding myself that the only way to continue to take my power back and direct myself and my world in a way that is best, is by functioning uninfluenced in the present moment, by operating as a whole, Here.

I commit myself to stop my addiction to the instant gratification of fantasy and illusion and to instead face the reality that anything of real value must be built, step by step, over time and with consistency, in order to create a platform of self-support, to be able to become the human I want to be, to realize my potential and effect change in myself and that which I am a direct participant within.

I commit myself to support myself Here, by bringing myself out of my mind and back Here, where I actually exist in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself in my mind when I am riding the metro, experiencing down-time at work, and falling to sleep at night, by imagining relationship scenarios in which I am a different person, instead of grounding myself Here, into and as the person that I actually am, and working towards making the changes that I know are necessary to be made.

When and as I see that I am stealing moments from myself in actual reality In order to create myself in in an alternate reality in my mind by participating within and as thoughts of Who and How I can be and experience myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-realization by reminding myself that these are moments that I am actually losing and giving up, and that these moment are thus then wasted and I cannot get them back; however I can take myself back within the time I still have, and utilize every moment to instead create myself as a self-honest being with clear direction, aim and purpose.

I commit myself to direct, aim and align myself to the purpose of becoming a being of integrity through developing the self-trust, self-responsibility, self-acceptance and self-worth that require to be developed for myself in this life.

To script yourself back into alignment with a Life of integrity, learn these self-supportive writing tools, visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours and supports yourself to Live a Life that benefits yourself and those around you. - See more at: http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/04/day-178-divorce-avoiding-self.html#sthash.RFcQy0Pr.dpuf

 

 

Day 168- What Happens to Marriages?

          https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxaeH8_2LVuHrUlqxBaHSehb8Mg0jT7IP2NnCOnh40tnp4WT-wnmF68UpztPUztSDO05-wWdCmj8gd67vbxmm6eKK4WF-nb8P9IQij_I99y-ZjLNXhnX0wvzeu_PMujbs-Xzb_e2afpNE/s1600/How+do+you+find+the+perfect+marriage%3F.png

 

Within this blog I will be taking a pause from my direct focus on my process of walking through obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which includes compulsive skin-picking disorder (CSP), body-dismorphic disorder (BDD), and general anxiety, in order to clear my mind and walk through a point that has presented itself in my life. This point is the end of my 10 year marriage.

Within this, I realize that I am not truly ‘taking a pause’ from walking OCD, because OCD is present in everything I do, as I have integrated it into and as the very fiber of Who I Am. Therefore, as I walk this relationship character I become within relationships, I am also clearing aspects of myself that have contributed to OCD in my life.

What I have noticed is that, it always comes back to self-acceptance, including self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, equal to and one with everthing and everyone that is Here. But is always comes back to self first- clearing self first, creating an equality-based self-relationship first. This process is a difficult one and requires self-will, self-discipline and self-movement- all things I require to walk out of OCD, and qualities which I never  truly understood or thought I could develop.  Without self-acceptance, self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, it is very  difficult for me to change. I require myself to be there for myself, and I realize that within relationships, I give much of myself away.

I would ideally have a partner in my life, and would enter into an agreement with one that is willing to stand with me, but I will not do so without a clear starting point. I realize that without clearing the starting point, one is bound to repeat the same mistakes, over and over, every time. I will be required to clear myself as ‘relationship Kim’, I character I play to fit into the role of relationships, so that I can enter into an agreement as a whole being that doesn’t require to play roles to be accepted by another. If I remain this way, I will only ever compromise myself within relationships.

So, here goes: Beginning with the fear dimension of this character, then I will move through to the ‘thought’ dimension, the  ‘back chat’/’internal conversation’, and then the ‘imagination’ dimension.

The Relationship character:

Fears:

I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I fear I won’t find another before it’s too late.

I fear I won’t be missed.

I fear being rejected.

I fear not being wanted, needed and desired

I fear losing the projection of the future I had created/not having a projection of a future anymore.

I fear losing the image I had created for myself, of ‘who I was’ in a relationship.

I fear facing jealousy.

I fear sharing what I had, what was ‘all mine’.

I fear I’ve made a mistake.

"I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose externalized environmental feedback that I can use to create the energetic experience of ‘being loved’ and ‘being cherished’- indicating a starting point of being ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ due to having never developed or enhanced myself as self-love and never truly cherishing myself. Having always depended on my environment and people within my environment to obtain these feelings as if they were possessions, being possessed by energy instead of facing the fact that I had only ever been emptying myself out the more I sought these things outside of myself. Constantly and continuously recreating the starting point of ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ within myself, thus manifesting the end result equal to and one with the starting point.

I commit myself to use that which I fear losing to show myself that which I am not providing myself.

I commit myself to map out practical steps which, when lived over time, will develop self-love and teach myself what it means to cherish myself.

When and as I see that the fear of being unloved and uncherished is coming up within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the development of self-love and self-cherishing by reminding myself I am Here for me, walking this process for me, taking responsibility for me- so that I constantly learn to clear my starting point and base myself as self-acceptance, self-love, and self-cherishing,  equal to and one with all that’s Here- of equal value, equal love, equally cherished, thus within loving and cherishing myself, I love and cherish others as me, instead of using others to fulfill the void I had created myself as- loveless and uncherished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-love and self-cherishing outside of myself, into and as another, thus making the other responsible for filling the void/myself as void, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the more I looked outside myself and placed my value in what others could give me, I was actually giving myself away in return for the experience of myself. I was digging into myself and creating a void, and giving pieces of me away in return for the experience of love, and the experience of being cherished, which was only ever just that: experience; momentary sensations leaving nothing but a desire for more, while giving away my potential for self-love and self-cherishing, potential which could have been substantial- of actual substance which would become parts of me, giving myself back parts of me instead of giving myself away; Creating myself as something/someone of substance. I can depend on and trust that which is substantial, while experience is fleeting, unpredictable, unstable, and leaves behind only impressions of what could be- without a means to become it.

I commit myself to Take Myself Back, piece by piece, by recognizing where and how I give myself away, by seeing when and where I look to others to make me feel something.

I commit myself to walk myself towards self-trust, self-dependability, and self-stability, by stopping myself from seeking experience within relationships, and instead giving attention to that which I am in fact, and developing and enhancing that which I am in matter and in fact.

When and as I see that I am looking to gain the experience of being cherished and being loved from another, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to brutal self-honesty, by reminding myself of that which I am actually losing/giving away/not developing /not substantiating, by instead seeking it from another as a feeling or experience. I move myself to stand equal to and one with those in my life and world, not to gain something from them, but to learn and grow, and face myself as them, to grow and develop together. Based on agreed upon principles, and not taking from each other that which the other never really had to begin with.

I will continue within my next blog…

To learn these self-supportive writing tools for yourself visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours you and supports yourself to Live a Life worth Living.

Day 78- Purifying My Definition of "Ideal Partner"

Within this blog I am using the tool of writing self-forgiveness to reveal to myself my subconscious accepted and allowed definition of what is an ‘ideal partner’, in order to forgive myself for limiting myself and other within this definition, and change the definition to one that will benefit both me and my partner- because so long as I hold these expectations, instead of accepting him unconditionally, he will not be able to live up to the illusion I hold in my mind. He will never be able to be the personalized social construct I have created since youth, from watching Disney movies, to seeing others in relationships, to family influences etc... This is especially true because, until now, I wasn't even fully aware of how I 'imaagined' or 'expected' my partner to be, in order to consider him ideal. I still have not walked through it entirely, I'm just doing this brief overview in order to get an outline and grasp on the idea that I expect my partner to be something other than what he in fact is- something unreal and irrational, based on my Life experience. My 'new definition' of 'ideal partner' at the end of this blog, is one that includes accepting my partner as my equal, and accepting no less than who we both are able to be. Very cool stuff.

(It was funny/interesting to me to reveal to myself how ‘shallow’ my definition was- based on things like looks, ethnicity, and popularity. I do not accept/allow myself to limit myself or my partner in this way, so it’s time for this to change.)

The following self-forgiveness is in no particular order.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my ideal/perception/belief of the ideal partner to ‘being from another country.’

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being from another country.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner,’ and from beings from another country, by defining my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within beings from other countries in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief/ of the ‘ideal partner’ with ‘being famous/known.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ideal partner within ‘being famous/being known’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being famous/being known’ by defining my perception/idea/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being famous/being known’ in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being hard-working.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ideal partner within and as ‘being hard-working’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being hardworking’ by defining my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being hard-working’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ideal partner with ‘being clean.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as physical cleanliness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being clean’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being clean’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘confidence’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my ideal/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘confidence.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘confidence’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘confidence’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ to ‘being desired by other women.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being desired by other women.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being desired by other women’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being desired by other women’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ to ‘being outgoing’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner within and as ‘being outgoing.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being outgoing’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being outgoing’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ideal partner within ‘being muscular’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being muscular’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being muscular,’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being muscular’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being hot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ with and as ‘being hot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being hot’ be defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being hot’ in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being male.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being male’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being male’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being male’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner with ‘being tough’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defin the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being tough’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being tough’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being tough’ in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner’ to ‘being strong’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being strong.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being strong’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being strong’ in separation of myself.’

Re-define ‘ideal partner’:

-      Sounding of the words: I decide all parts not the other

-      Dictionary Definition:

Ideal

-      1. A conception of something in its absolute perfection.

-      2. One that is regarded as a standard or model of perfection or excellence.

-      3. An ultimate object of endeavor; a goal.

-      4. An honorable or worthy principle or aim

 

Partner

 

One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest.

-      New Definition:

Ideal Partner:

One that is willing to walk together towards taking 100% self-responsibility and in becoming whole, Here, not allowing anything less than Who They Are within themselves or their partner, and that assists and supports their partner to becoming an effective and self-honest human being, while walking within and as breath, equal and one, as two individuals together