Day 220 - Clearing the Starting Point of Friendship

Many friendships, when seen on the surface, seem to be these wonderful, magical, beautiful relationships. I am sure there are moments where this is so, but not all moments, and often there are strong undercurrents of suppressed feelings and emotions hiding beneath the surface.

When I investigated into how I had grown up in my friendships, mostly starting from my early teens, I found some pretty nasty stuff going on in the background. There were definitely good times, intimate moments, trust build, and bonding happening, but when being completely self-honest, I found dimensions of myself that were subtly rotting the foundation upon which friendships are built.

I saw it first hand while investigating my own past, like a personal private detective,  so that I could sort it out for myself, and clear MY starting point of how I have been living within and as 'friendships'. But I have also seen it hundreds or thousands of times, through television, movies, hollywood, and social media. The truth of the hidden nastiness existent within friendships is in all of these places, because it is in all of us.

This leads me to question: is a friendship just something that happens naturally, following a natural progression without any intervention or effort from those involved? Who am I as a friend, within a friendship? Why do some friendships feel like work and effort?

For me personally, when I really take a good, hard, self-honest look at who I have been within friendships throughout my life, I do not feel proud. I can see that, underneath the fun and good times, there were subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) layers of comparison, judgment, jealousy and spite.  Included in this mix, are feelings of rejection, when I lost friends, as well as feelings of guilt, when I did not keep in touch with friends after having said I would.

Self-forgiveness to clear the starting point of friendship:

Comparison:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to friend A, thinking I am better because I believed I  could draw better, climb better,  jump higher, I believed I had better ideas, was thinner, taller, and friend A would follow me around and always put the effort in to being with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of all the ways I perceive myself to be ‘better’ or ‘more advanced’ than someone and then use that in order to place myself in a position of superiority in relation to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that within a friendship, there is always one that is better, and one that is less, instead of looking at all the qualities of both individuals, in order to learn from and strengthen each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there must be a lover, and a beloved, wherein I believed that within a friendship, the dynamic is only satisfied when one is in a position of longing and idolatry, and the other is idolized and cherished, instead of creating a relationship of equality, where strengths are shared and weaknesses developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to place myself into either the position of beloved/idolized, or lover/idolizer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself above another within the belief or perception that I am in the position of the ‘beloved/idolized’, or to place myself below another, believing I am in the position of ‘lover/idolizer’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ego within friendships where I believed I was the superior one, blinding myself from parts of the other,s and suppressing or hiding those parts of me I saw as weakness, and believing I should dictate to the other what to do and how to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority when I believed I was in the position of lover/idolizer, believing nothing I could do was as good as my friend, feeling insecure and like I needed to be told what to do and how to be from my friend, instead of having the self-trust and confidence to express my strengths and develop my weaknesses.

Judgment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged friend B for being bossy, neurotic, controlling and manipulative because of certain personality traits she had based on her life experience, and how I interacted with those traits

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge friend B and supress my own potential solutions for our friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge friend B and go into reactions of dislike avoidance and spite, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid and eventually ‘drop’ friend B, leaving it awkward and uncomfortable between us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge friend B in my mind, and go into internal conversations and back chat, as well as gossiping about her with others that knew her, instead of deciding to speak up about what I saw within friend B and her behaviour, in order to gain clarity and understanding, and having her also hear from me and my experience within the friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame friend B, holding friend B entirely responsible for the ‘failure’ of the friendship, instead of looking at myself and taking self-responsibility within the understanding that ‘it takes two to tango’, and understanding that I could have changed the dynamics between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather end/leave the friendship, than to face myself and who I was within the friendship, thus living the statement that I am powerless to change, influence or direct the friendships within which I am a participant.

Jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous of friend A when boys began to become interested in her, while I had no boys interested in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin to place myself in an inferior position within the friendship, because I thought and believed that friend A was now superior due to having a boyfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous that friend A had a boyfriend because I saw her as inferior, and that I should be the one with the boyfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question everything of myself, because I had no boyfriend or prospect of a boyfriend, not seeing and realizing that I had built myself up on a foundation of belief, instead of truly honouring those qualities of me as real and substantial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into jealousy that friend A got a boyfriend because I believed I was unlikeable and too shy to talk to boys in that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jealousy and resentment that friend A got a boyfriend instead of seeing and realizing that I didn’t want a boyfriend yet, and was not ready to be in a relationship yet, but instead thought that because friend A was now in a relationship, I should now be in one and in a better one with a better boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous that friend A got a boyfriend because I didn’t know friend A had it in her to be ready for a relationship and talking to boys in this way, and in that, then looked at myself seeing I was not yet at that stage, then going into spite, self-judgment and jealousy because I compared myself to her, instead of practicing  self-understanding through self-introspection.

Spite:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as spite in my friendships, thus creating a wall preventing a potential bond of intimacy between two individuals.

How would I like to live the word ‘friendship’ from here on out?

Friendship =  free end ship

Free = no charges

End = found within action words like ‘mend’, as I can, within friendship, correct myself and then reactions I have, in a way, a ‘mending’ of myself. ‘Lend’ as into ‘lend a hand’, reach out. And also ‘tend’, as in to ‘tend to a garden’.  Also, to put an ‘end’ to my past patterns of behaviour.

Ship = the vessel created between two people, where both would strive to keep the ship afloat – no baggage on this ship. 

I will continue with how I would like to live the word 'friendship' from here forth in my next blog.

Thank you

           

Day 3- Beauty Is A Beast

Yesterday I worked at a bar. I fill in there from time-to-time. I got some attention for my physical appearance because, I guess that is what bars and alcohol are all about, sex and seduction and people trying to get laid. I understand that more now, but I still participated and I still had reactions. I felt embarrassed by it, then I went into ego, then I went into the polarity of feeling degraded. The pattern I want to reveal today is the lingering effect that this experience has upon me. Which is the desire to be seen as beautiful.

Today, when I was getting from my house to downtown, I took public transport. I found myself feeling like I needed to look good in the presence of the public. I found myself being tempted to look in the reflections of windows, and when I accepted and allowed myself to fall for this I notice now, looking back on it, that I would go from feeling like I looked good, to finding every little flaw and feeling self-conscious.

                As a woman, I have learned to place importance on beauty. Men have it too- feeling they need to look handsome, macho, manly- whatever. But I have learned and taught myself to believe that it is important to look my best-to take what I have and try to enhance it to achieve ‘beauty’. But what I’ve realized is that when I accept and allow this whole ‘beauty’ construct into my life- it only brings instability, ego, judgment and complexes. I go from feeling ‘beautiful’ and confident, and then maybe I’ll see a woman who I think is more beautiful’ and I’ll feel jealous and then inferior. I’ll start judging myself and it just goes on and on, back and forth, up and down. It’s completely bi-polar and I’m really just sick of it. It’s not worth it to put myself through all of that just to achieve this attempt at some standard of beauty which , really is never good enough. I always end up feeling like shit later, and feel like I need to do  all sorts of things to enhance my appearance again. I mean, that’s why people do all the things like fake nails and tanning and makeup and working out and hair products- to enhance themselves because they don’t feel good enough. Fuck that. I’m ready to let that all go and finally just accept myself so that I can focus on building dignity and integrity as a human being instead of spending all that time concentrating on ‘how I feel about how I look.’

                In order to accept myself I need to continue working on those things I cannot accept, which are things that may affect my physical appearance. For example- if you quit drinking, cut out sugar, don’t over eat, do fun things that move your body, concentrate on eliminating stress, anxiety etc… you may end up looking better as a consequence. But it is from a starting point of caring for yourself in every way, and not from the narrow starting point of enhancing beauty. When I look in the mirror, what I want to see reflected to me is self-love and self-acceptance. A body that is cared for, treated gratefully as an equal to me, not as something that I believes lacks something, is not good enough and and that needs to be enhanced by all sorts of activities and makeup and fake things. I want to see a body that is not abused by vices, addictions, insecurities,  bad habits or neglect, but one that gets what it needs because I am a being that considers my physical reality and is committed to being aware of what I need and how I can practically give it to myself.

                But I’m not there yet, and the first step I can take right now is to continue unlearning this pattern of the desire for beauty, which has been with me, as me, destabilizing me and fucking me up for long enough. I’ve had it, again, I’m going to write it out again, expose it again, and I’ll will do it again and again until it’s done. I commit to ridding myself of the plague of beauty, it has done enough harm and I will not accept it as me anymore. I commit myself to exposing this to myself and writing it out till I change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy my mind and thoughts with self-judgments, jealousies, superiority/inferiority and comparison in relation to the physical appearance of beauty,’ instead of directing my focus and attention on the present moment, directing myself within the reality of Hereness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind within and as the polarity thoughts of beauty, which bounce me back and forth, up and down, instead of stopping and realizing this mechanic, robotic preprogrammed game that’s not even real.

When I see myself going into thoughts and reactions in relation to ‘beauty’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization and understanding that the whole beauty game Is not real, it’s not life, and it only serves to preoccupy and destabilize. Within this realization  I remind myself that in order to accept myself as a whole being, I cannot hold onto thoughts of beauty which require me to enhance me, making the statement that I  am missing something or I lack.

I allow myself to let go of the idea or ideal of beauty that I have built and constructed over the years and applied to myself. I t does not serve me, it only brings me up and down, back and forth and around in endless repeating cycles that I’m fed up with and I refuse to continue my participation within them. I stop this pattern.

I allow myself to check myself out in the mirror to make sure that my outfit/hair etc… looks cool, practical/together, and not to judge myself and make attempts to enhance my physical appearance in order to ‘feel beautiful’ in public, which inevitably leads me to feel ugly at some later point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any worth or importance on my physical appearance, and I realize instead that the value and importance is with my physical condition and my starting point within what I do to/for me and how I behave to/towards me. That is a starting point of self-acceptance, which includes changing the things I cannot accept, and self-love, which includes an absolute consideration for my physical body and it’s functions, rather than a judgment upon its appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited or thrilled by the prospect of ‘beauty’ or being seen as ‘beautiful’. This is a learned behavior that does not serve me. This is an endless chase with no reward, it is a polarity construct that perpetuates itself by binging me through ‘downs’ that lead me to desire ‘ups’, and ‘ups’ that I use to allow me to fear ‘downs’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that, if I don’t look my best. People will judge me and think that I’m lazy or sloppy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that not looking my best involves instead being lazy or sloppy, instead of realizing that not concerning myself with ‘beauty’ does not mean I stop concerning myself with myself, or to stop caring.. It is the opposite- stopping my participation in this beauty construct allows me to finally really care for myself in reality, not just as thoughts in my mind, which only care about how I feel about myself, and not how I treat myself, compose myself and create myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to treat my body as equal to and one with me, and instead to treat it as though it is a slow and cumbersome thing that cannot keep up with my mind, an uncooperative thing that does not do as I say, or an inferior thing that is not good enough for my standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself within and through separating my mind from my physical body through participation within and as ‘beauty’ such as  judgment, inferiority/superiority, comparison, and all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that are derived from a concern with beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn and create ‘beauty’, an image of ‘beauty’ and ‘beauty’ as an entity in my mind, wherein I have copy and pasted images and ideas from society, culture, television, movies and magazines and people, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed them to influence me and effect who and how I am in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the con of ‘beauty’, and to fall for the game of ‘beauty’ thus preoccupying, distracting and entertaining myself with fantasies and projections that aren’t even real, instead of directing myself Here, from moment to moment without the influence of myself as the mind.

Instead, I allow myself to consider my body in every breath, to exist within and as my body, thus considering its needs, its movement, its capabilities and its presence.

I allow myself to be patient with my physical body within the realization that I am dependent upon it, and within this, I accept and allow myself to be grateful for my physical body/existence which, without it, I would not be here.

When I go into separation of myself from my physical I stop, and I breathe. I ask myself: If I am not able to be one with and equal to myself in this way, how can I expect to treat another as one with and equal to me, or how can I claim I care for another as me, if I do not unconditionally care for/about myself in every moment. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding and realization that if I am not able to stop this obsession with beauty as separation, then I will not be able to expand and grow, but will rather be a perpetual pawn in an endless cycle of polarity.

See also:

Limitation according to body appearance – Day 5 (by Maya H)

and

Sex - Day 13+14 (also by Maya) This one is awesome!