Day 104- Being Helpful: From Self-Interest to Actual Caring

This is continued from Day 103-Defending Myself Against the World



I commit myself to check my starting point when I contribute to the group, in order to ensure that it is aligned with actual care and support, and not from a starting point of energy, wherein
I would be seeking an energetic charge from validating the ‘helpful’ character I have created to not face the reality of my beliefs about myself and who I really am, which are that I am 'unhelpful' (without the ability/resources to 'help out' in a significant way), that I am 'un-needed', thus, within the 'helpful' character I play I 'prove' to myself that this isn't true (intead of addressing the belief itself, thus actually accepting and allowing this belief to continue to exist within me, as me), and being 'un-wanted' (wherein, if people would accept my help, I would feel 'wanted'- but only as an experience/belief).



When and as I am offering to help someone out, I stop, and I breathe. I give myself a moment to adjust my starting point, from the self-interest of validating a character to a starting point of oneness and equality to those I am assisting/supporting. I do this by breathing until the energetic charge is gone, and reminding myself to move as me, one and equal to the group, and not as a character.



I commit myself to walk myself out of the direction of the mind and into physical reality by stopping my participation in thoughts as they come up, and by breathing through the positive and negative energetic reactions I experience 1) when I offer help (breathe through the positive reaction/polarity) 2) if/when my help is not accepted (breathe through the negative reaction/polarity).



When and as I am in the position where someone is turning down my offer of help, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am not defined in that moment as ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, ‘unwanted’ or anything at all, I am rather simply hearing the preference of the person. Which is really what I was asking in the first place.



I commit myself to end all self-definitions which would direct me or influence me in moments where I could validate them, and instead by the living definition of myself within/as my self-directed living actions.



When and as I see that I am being directed by the want/need/desire to validate a character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the energetic withdrawal from that character and grounding myself Here, in physical reality, and I wait till there is no movement before I continue my participation again.



I commit myself to uncover everything that I am hiding within myself underneath the characters that I play.



When and as I see that I am ‘helping out’ from a starting point of fearing being exposed as ‘unhelpful’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself by reminding myself that Who I Am is not a definition or a judgment, but rather a living, being, doing, from moment to moment and judged only in the end by myself as the consequences of my living, being actions in each and every moment.



I commit myself to check myself, in moment of lack of self-direction, and to take a breath and self-honestly assess my starting point, directing from there.



I commit myself to change not only my surface action, but also te root from which it stems.



I commit myself to dig up all the ‘roots’ as starting points that I had ‘planted’ in unawareness, wherein I commit to getting down to the root of my actions in writing, and re-scripting the root of my actions to be/become aligned with a consideration for the whole, as what’s best for all within the limitations of this physical reality.



When and as I see that my surface action are aligned with validating a character, which is self-suppression, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to check my starting point in order that my actions may reflect an actual care and consideration for the whole and for others as me, by not participating in the thoughts and energies which would fuel my idea of myself, but to instead do the task with no movement within me, making sure from moment to moment that I don’t ‘drift off’ into thoughts, ideas, perception, and beliefs about myself and the actions I am taking.



When and as I see that I am feeding myself as the illusions in the mind of energy when someone is reacting to/towards me in gratefulness for any kind of help/assistance/support I had given, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability within the understanding that to participate in or pursue the positive feeling energy, that I am actually avoiding the underlying fear that my insecurities created by the belief that I am ‘unhelpful’, ‘unneeded’, or ‘unwanted’, will be exposed, and are thus being accepted and allowed to continue to exist within and as me. Therefore, I breathe through the want/desire to participate, and allow myself to move forward as the self-directive principle of me, in oneness and equality to myself, as a living action of care and support.

I commit myself to expose myself to myself in writing, either public or private, in order to fully understand the truth of me, in awareness and self-honesty, in order that I may ‘clean the slate’ and change. Start again, rescript a new human that considers all life in ever action.

I commit myself to stop chasing validation, as that is the living statement that Who I Am is Not Real, and I instead walk with myself until I validate myself in every moment and every step till my actions are aligned with my principles in every way possible.



I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that I want and need myself to be wholly present with me Here, contributing equally to my self-development and Living Here as an equal participant in Life.

Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I REALLY?

This blog consists of three examples of memories and reactions and the contexts of my name being spoken in different tonalities. For the context of this blog, check out yesterday’s blog where I explain in greater detail how,





“the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here are the examples, and in my next blog, I will walk the process of deconstruction, which leads to an interesting surprise which anyone can apply in their lives:





1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, like in a doctor’s office or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

2) “Kim-eeeee!” Spoken excitedly. Most of my long-time friends and family call/called my Kimmy, so it has been used quite prominently as a ‘main’ name for me.
The earliest memory I have of my name spoken in this tone is when I was about 4 or 5, by my friend, upon first seeing me, when we would be about to play together. We would have so much fun as we played together, and the excitement in the tone made me feel like he really enjoyed spending time together and enjoyed me. Sometimes it would surprise me how much that ‘came out’ in the tone, like, I would not expect someone to be that happy or excited to see me, so I must be someone/something quite special. And that confirmed to me that yes, I in fact felt the same way about him, and then everything we did together was fun and exciting. So when I hear my name being spoken in this tone I get this sensation all through my body of warmth and happiness and excitement and kind feelings towards the person saying it- like something really nice and fun is about to happen.





3) “Kiii-iiim” Spoken in an accusatory/annoyed tone. My reaction to this tone is one of hurt, guilt and anger, wherein I feel I have done something wrong, usually due to not being careful enough, and unsually unintentionally.The memory I have associated to this tone is that of a friend saying my name this way when I accidentally hung up the phone by sitting on it while she was talking. She was having a fight with her boyfriend and she was annoyed or mad because now he would think she hung up on him and that would complicate the argument they were having. I felt hurt because I was the receiver of anger when I felt I would not do such a thing on purpose- it was an accident. I felt guilt because, even though it was an accident, I in fact had done the ‘wrong’ thing, by hanging up the phone because I was not careful where I was sitting, and I felt angry because I was being accused of something, and I believed that one should only be accused of something if one had done something intentionally wrong. So that is generally the character I go into when I hear my name spoken in this way.



More to continue in my next blog....