Why do we get defensive? If we are just human beings living Here, what is there to defend? I will answer these questions by looking at a specimen of human nature: myself, in order to see how this unecessary and destructive behaviour can be corrected in order to have effective comunication between human beings and more peaceful resolutions to disagreements and conflict.
The repeating behavior I am looking at is the tendency I have to become defensive, so I am going to take an instance where I become defensive
when someonespeaks to me in a frustrated tone.
I experienced this when I was offering to do something for someone and they said no. I pushed within my insistence on me doing it for them, within the belief that what I was offering was what was best for the person at them time. Upon the third offer, the person responded in a frustrated tone, which triggered a ‘hurt’ and then ‘defensive’ reaction within me.
What was my starting point?
1) The starting point from which I offered to do the thing was one of doing what I believed was best for the person. Based on past experiences of having been in the persons shoes (being sick), and having the person do something for me (going to get medicine).
2) The starting point was also that of wanting to be helpful , which I see as coming from being the youngest and not having the ability to contribute to the functioning of the whole. This I would then see coming from a place of inferiority, wherein I have defined myself as ‘unable to contribute’. Thus it would be coming from a base starting point of ‘proving I am able to contribute’, instead of a starting point of oneness and equality, which would imply simply caring for another as myself.
Within this I see the ‘hurt’ reaction as stemming from the belief that “I am not needed”, and the defensiveness coming from the belief that “I cannot contribute”.
The character that I see I am defending here is the ‘Helpful’ character. This character is ‘responsible’ ‘helpful ‘and ‘needed’, which immediately shows me that I hold the belief that I am ‘irresponsible’, ‘unhelpful’ and ‘not needed’.
Thought: a snapshot of me out in the car, doing important things for others
An image of me having done something ‘needed’ and ‘important’ and having others be grateful for it.
Fear: He/she won’t need/want me if I don’t prove I am helpful-so here I see the
need for validation that I am wanted/needed.
If I don’t contribute enough it will be exposed that I generally contribute as little as possible and allow others to do the work, which if they knew, they would judge/reject me.
Imagination: Me being looked to for help, and being thought of as very helpful, efficient and dependable.
Me having done something super helpful and having the other’s lot improved because of what I have done
Reaction: Defensiveness because I accept help, therefore I want my offer of help to be accepted, but if it is not, then I as the ‘helpful’ character, am not validated, and am seen only as ‘requiring help’.
Feeling good inside, as if my worth will been proven.
Feeling excited that I have an opportunity to help another and make them feel better and wanting to be successful.
Physical: My voice becomes more ‘mature’, lower and more direct.
My eyebrows raised and happy face, energized that I am going to ‘do good’
Self-forgiveness (releasing the points)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority within the belief that ‘I do not do enough’ and then jump on the opportunity to ‘do something that contributes’ from a starting point of validating the fact that I am ‘helpful’ which then manifests the thought of me in my car about to be doing ‘helpful’ things for others, from a starting point of self-interest instead of doing things for others from a starting point of assessing whether they actually need assistance/support and then doing so when and as I am able out of actual care and consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the image of myself out in the car, about to go off and do helpful things for others to exists within me/as me, which ‘pops’ into my mind causing a positive energetic reaction within and as me of ‘being helpful’, which sets me up to bounce to the negative, which happens if my help is not accepted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of ‘others being grateful towards me for what I have done’ to exist within and as me, as a projection which, in the moment I have the thought, charges and validates the ‘helpful’ character, which sets me up to be/become defensive when I don’t get to ‘play it out’ as a role a character plays in order to justify itself, which is really justifying the energy, instead of simply offering myself to the task without any energetic charge, and letting it go if my offer is not accepted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as this ‘helpful’ character, wherein I would become defensive if I am not able to prove myself as this character, which is a character of self-interest, as me wanting the positive energetic charge I would get from it, instead of simply actually being helpful when and as can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as unwanted and unneeded because of moments where I have done less than I was able to contribute, and then have judged those moments within myself as ‘undesirable’, wherein I would not ‘want’ or ‘need’ someone like myself in my life, in which case I play the ‘helpful’ character in order to hide this part of myself, so that- even though I may be helping out, it is coming from the fear of my true self being exposed, and instead of looking at that true self and changing the behaviours I find unacceptable, I try instead to cover them up within a character, which, if it is not received well in my world, I then fear I will be exposed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear of being ‘unwanted’ and ‘unneeded’ by covering them up with the helpful character- which would be only changing the surface actions and not the root cause of why I am being the way I am being, the root cause which is self-judgment, which is unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my actions out of fear, and then to not face that fear, by validating myself as the ‘helpful’ character, which requires proof to be real, which I search for as reactions from others to the character I present myself as, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I were to act from a starting point of oneness and equality rather than fear, that I would not require validation and approval for my actions, as I would be real already as physical matter, basing my actions on physical reality, rather than basing my actions on illusionary fears as an illusionary character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being wanted or needed by others, because within my relationship to myself, I have decided that I would not want or need myself as only I know the truth of who I really am. (Woody Allan- “I would not want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member”- lol)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the more I contribute, the more I will feel validated, instead of realizing that something done in self-interest without a consideration for others can never be validated, and so the chase for validation is never-ending.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire validation and proof that I am wanted/needed, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I want and need myself to be wholly present with me Here, contributing equally to my self-development and Living Here as an equal participant in Life.
Self-corrective application statements to follow…