I can pinpoint the day when I realized I had a profound inability to make decisions for myself: September 10th, 2012. Here's the quote I just read that I had written 5 years ago:
"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested myself as an approval-seeking character throughout my life as a way of ‘getting out of’ making my own decisions, and not having to take responsibility for the decisions I end up making, wherein, they are not my decisions, but rather the decisions of the majority of people whom I’ve perceived as having approved and validated the decision."
This was a part of my personality that, when lived throughout my life, created a life that didn't even feel like my own. I felt like most of what I had lived up until that moment was controlled by outside forces that I was pretty much helpless to influence. The only choices I really felt I had was the flavour of avoidance, the style of lying low, and the method of escape.
It's amazing how the simple act of direct looking at yourself can plant the most potent seeds of self-change. Since that day five years ago, I embarked on a mission to take back my life, and oooooh what a hole did I have to dig myself out of! In my next post I will reveal how I turned myself from 'hole' to 'whole', through the sometimes terrifying process of facing the very present consequences caused by the sins of the past, where the present consequences are the gifts to a better future.