Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Day 152- The Fear of Not Having OCD


 

This blog is continued form:



 

To clarify the title: In my previous blog I wrote about how when I stop myself from participating in the obsessive-compulsive rituals of OCD (specifically dermatillomania) I get an uncomfortability. There had been on several occasions, times where I stopped myself, and have then been overcome by this experience that I call ‘the terrible feeling, which is the experience of an all-consuming fear that I can do nothing but breathe through until it stops. What is interesting is that when I watch tv shows on addiction, I can relate the experience to the ‘withdrawal’ stage that addicts go through when they initially stop using the drug.

There are several elements here that I would be dealing with, which are as follows:  1) I am the creator of both the ‘terrible feeling’ which I would describe as an overwhelming fear, AND the OCD itself as an escape. So I would have to look into how I create the overwhelming fear in the first place, and then go into a bit more about how and why participating in OCD is seen as a release and an escape, when in reality, it merely perpetuates the entire cycle. And 2) I fear NOT participating in OCD, because I fear that if I do not do it, I will get that feeling again. Within this element, I would look at the back-chat and internal conversations I have with myself that cause me to believe that if I stop this obsessive compulsion, I will suffer. This back chat and internal conversation also justifies the participation, as well as contributes to creating the uncomfortability as a self-fulfilling prophecy by TELLING myself, if I stop, I will feel terrible, instead of actually writing out some practical applications for myself and stopping myself to see if in fact there is a reaction.

Within my next blog, I will begin by identifying and forgiving these backchats and internal conversations, in order that I may stop them and facilitate my self-change.

To be continued…
Self Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --This is some of the benefits and rewards that one receive with walking the DIP LITE training -- and it is ALL FREE and will even FREE you from your EGO.
Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself .

Monday, January 28, 2013

Day 151- OCD as Dermatillomania: Delusional Mind

This blog is continued form:


     Within my last few blogs, I had been writing through the fact that I do not want  to have OCD/dermatillomania, yet I make the choice every day, not to change. Anyone who suffers from derma/OCD or any other kind of addiction, obsession or compulsion might argue with me that the disorder is not a choice. It is a choice. It is a choice made over and over SO many times, that it is literally programed into and as us, to the point that it has become automatic, unconscious and seemingly unstoppable. The fact that it is a choice can be proven by an interesting thing that I have observed within myself as well as in support groups: we stop ourselves when we ‘have’ to. If we have to go to work, we will stop and go to work. It’s not like someone outside of ourselves came in, bound our hands, got us dressed and pushed us out the door. It is us that stops ourselves when we deem we ‘have’ to, yet we keep falling back into it, over and over again.

     This is not to say that it can be stopped altogether in one moment. Maybe it can, because anything Is possible, but as with most addiction or automatic programmed behavior, it takes a process to stop.

     It is this choice that I have been writing through in my past few blogs. I do not want to have OCD/derma, I also don’t ever make the genuine decision to stop and change. This is summed up here:

I find out that I don’t really WANT to change for real. It’s like, someone that does drugs like heroine, ‘wants’ to stop, but doesn’t really want to stop, because they love the drug so much, they’ll use any excuse to take it. On top of this, once you stop, you have to face everything you’ve done unto yourself. So, the desire to stop Is present because, we know that it’s ‘wrong’ and ‘not normal’ and harming ourselves, but at the same time, it feels so good. Herein, it feels good, but it is not good for us in reality. So what is that feeling but an energetic experience in the mind? “


     These writings and realizations were exploring the ‘positive’ side of the OCD experience—positive in the respect that it is seemingly ‘giving’ us something (feeding the mind-reality at the expense of the physical real reality). There is more to this side and I will go into it in blogs to come, but for the moment, I am going to explore a bit of the negative side.

     The negative side of OCD/dermatillomania is that side which is unconscious, wherein, it’s like the hands are roaming and one is not even aware of the fact that there is scratching, picking, rubbing, etc… going on. For me, it’s when I watch tv or read, or when I’m studying or really just any time I have a moment. It’s so automatic that I’m not even aware that I am doing it, and then I’ll realize at some point and I’ll stop. What I observed it that, I get really uncomfortable and the OCD is soothing and puts me at ease. When I stop myself, this uncomfortability overcomes me to the point that I can’t sit still or focus. So it’s less of a ‘gaining’ something as it is creating an uncomfortability and then escaping it with OCD/skin-picking.

     I will explore this uncomfortability, which I experiece as an irritation and anxiousness, and how I create it using the tool of self-forgiveness so that I can get to the bottom of it, and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an uncomfortability within and as myself which I use to justify OCD/skin-picking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I am not completely focused and engaged, allow my mind to wander about with thoughts that I should check my skin, that I should touch it and rub it and feel to make sure it is even and smooth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and irritated at the thought that there may be any kind of roughness or soreness or unevenness or bumps on my skin, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if there is, they need to be removed, evened-out, touched and/or rubbed in order to ‘make it better’ and ‘make it right’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and/or perceive that roughness, soreness, bumps, unevenness, or dryness on my skin is bad or wrong, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my skin processing itself and maintaining itself as it does every day and will continue to do unconditionally till I die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and/or perceive that if there are any irregularities on my skin, it is indicative of disease or illness, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that if I remove the irregularities, then I have removed the possibility of sickness and/or disease, and that having smooth and even skin means I’m healthy and nothing is wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the insane logic that I can impose health upon myself by manipulating the way I look, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in an attempt to alter the way my natural skin looks for the ‘better’, actually harming it and making it not only look way worse, but actually abusing it in the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear illness and disease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying of an illness or disease.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my skin will show me the first signs of illness and disease, if I were to suffer from one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I can control my skin’s appearance then I can control my health.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my skin, in its natural state, is dirty, flawed and contaminated, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I can/need to/have to clean it and maintain it from the skewed perception that my mind knows what’s best and must impose itself upon my skin, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my skin is actually working, for the most part, within and as perfection, wherein, perfection is not in the appearance of the skin, but exists within the skins ability to process, care for and maintain itself, without any conscious effort on my part.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to impose my mind’s skewed version of reality onto my skin, which exists within actual reality, and which deals with actual reality in every moment, unlike myself as my mind, which distorts reality, and then hides from and escapes this distorted version of reality through self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distort reality by thinking/believing/perceiving that my skin is dirty, flawed and contaminated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uncomfortable by the thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs that my skin is dirty, flawed and contaminated, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I must immediately intervene in order to experience myself as clean and perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that in order to experience myself as clean and perfect, that I have to constantly clean and perfect myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that if and when I am not experiencing myself as clean and perfect, that anyone that sees me will see and/or think that I am dirty, flawed and imperfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dirty, flawed and imperfect, instead of accepting myself as I am, as Who I Am at this point, and accepting my physical body and skin as it is, which is perfect, as it consistently does the job it is supposed to do, which is to maintain itself to the highest standard at all times, despite the abuse I impose upon it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dirty, flawed and imperfect, without ever really asking myself or investigating what ‘clean’, ‘flawless’ and ‘perfect’ actually are or what they actually practically entail.

I commit myself to write myself out of the skewed version of reality I have created for myself, and the skewed version of myself I have created in my mind, until I make actual reality so undeniable to myself, that I will no longer be able to fool myself and manipulate myself with these mind-games that I use to justify and create and cause me to compulsively pick my skin.

I commit myself to teach myself how to treat my body with dignity and respect, and to leave it alone within the understanding that it does not require my intervention in any way whatsoever, unless I am sick or have a condition that needs to be tended to, in which case I will tend to it in the most practical and reasonable way possible, by supporting my body to function to its utmost capacity, as it is design to do so long as I give it what it needs, and nothing more.

I commit myself to learn to accept myself and my body and skin as what I am in each moment, without looking at myself through my mind’s eye, without distorting my self-perception, and without creating something more or less than what is actually here.

I commit myself to slow myself down and observe myself when I am participating in activities that do not require my full attention, so that I can identify and stop the thoughts as seemingly automatic flashes of images of my skin connected to irritation and anxiousness about what may be present on it.

When and as I see that I am following and participating in he thoughts as flashes of images of my skin with irregularities and imperfections, connected with the emotional experience of irritation, anxiety and fear, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself that touching or ‘tending’ to those thoughts by following them through to physical action, will only actually create and manifest exactly that which is causing my to feel irritated, anxious and fearful, thus creating a vicious cycle of self-abuse and self-enslavement to addiction and obsessive compulsion. I see, realize and understand that by stopping my participation within/as these thoughts as they occur, I can break the cycle and free myself from the disorder forevermore.

When and as I see that I am becoming uncomfortable and irritated and anxious at the thoughts of being dirty, flawed and imperfect, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself that if I don’t accept myself as I am now, I certainly won’t be able to accept the diminished version of myself that I create through my participation in the thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, perceptions, beliefs and judgments that I impose on to myself with and as my mind, so I am better off if I simply stop, breathe, and make the decision to let it go.
To be continued....

To read more about the process of self-acceptance, check out this blog I worte on beauty: Day 3- Beauty Is A Beast

And this one is about honouring the physical body, which I took a moment to realize once my relationship ended and I realized I had been compromising myself within ALL of my relationships: Day 31- Quitting Love- No Sense of Self

Self Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --This is some of the benefits and rewards that one receive with walking the DIP LITE training -- and it is ALL FREE and will even FREE you from your EGO.
 Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself .

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Day 150- OCD and Distorting Reality

This blog is continued form:

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)

Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD

Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows
Within this blog, I am looking at one dimension of the cycles that I use to create and perpetuate my compulsive skin-picking disorder by having observed what goes on in my mind while i am in the midst of the possession. By doing this, I am able to see and determine what thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs I participate within and as throughout the day, which I accumulate and compound into certains energies and energetic experiences within mywelf, as myself, that I look to escape and/or release through participating in obsessive-compulsive behaviour. I am looking at this dimension with the tool of self-forgiveness.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to and participate in the pattern of skin-picking that creates an intense clarity and focus, wherein I would go into events, memories, fantasies and imaginings about things that I wished I had done or said or what I should have done or said or will do and will say next time, wherein, I end up playing out the scene in my mind in perfection, without thinking through any way  to practically apply myself in the situation or event, and then in reality I find I am not able to stand up as Who I Am in the situation, creating frustration, anger, anxiety and disappointment.

I commit myself to use my ability to imagine to contemplate practical solutions for situations and events that I find myself falling within, wherein instead of cycling the memories over and over in judgment, I can work through them in self-forgiveness in order to understand where and why I fall, in order to better direct myself in the situation the next time it comes up.

When and as I see that I am cycling thoughts, memories, fantasies and imaginings wherein I create a movie-like play out of who and how I am as superior and/or inferior to others and to situations and events, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-equality by giving myself a moment to consider where exactly I am in my life and process, which will always be right Here, and I  face the next moment as Who I Am, instead of who or how I would like to be, or how I judge myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take situations where I have fallen, for example within a confrontation, or even an interaction within which I was not self-honest with my actions, words or thoughts, and/or situations where I have disappointed myself, and then playing them over and over in my mind, picking myself apart, then physically picking at my skin, thinking and feeling that I am getting somewhere and doing something constructive, and cycling the thought over and over in my imagination while picking my skin, and as I feel the release, I am able to imagine myself saying all the right things, instead of the reality of what I had done as backing down, suppressing or speaking words I do not live. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within feeling the release of skin picking, connect that feeling to the thought, idea, perception or belief that I am releasing something real, such as the frustration, disappointment, anger, anxiety and fear that I exist within and as throughout my day or week or month etc…when actually I am creating more disappointment, anxiety, fear, anger and frustration the more I participate in hurting myself and giving away my power and my self-control, self-discipline and self-will to this addiction.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the feeling of release to the thoughts of myself expressing myself as I had always wanted to express myself, unburdened, uninhibited, expressive and outward, instead of the reality that I have existed as most of the time which is inward, suppressed , inhibited, shy, anxious etc… and within this relationship of skin-picking and imagination, I create a very real experience that I AM in fact doing/being/expressing that which I always dreamed, but in reality, I am only charging thoughts, ideas, imaginings and fantasies with the energetic experience of release I create and manifest when and as I pick my skin.

I commit myself to, throughout my day, stop the thoughts as they arise, wherein I will fantasize and imagine about situations and play the situation over and over in my head creating energetic feeling and emotional charges- feeling charges wherein I will go into superiority and play the situation out in my mind in such a way that I express myself the way I had always wanted to (being accepted, being right, being validated, being funny, being interesting, etc…); or emotional charges wherein I will imagine the situation and all the things that prevented me from doing what I was  going to do, or being the way I really wanted to be, thus making excuses and justifications for why I was prevented from expressing myself, when in fact, nothing ever prevents me from expressing myself but me. I see, realize and understand that in both cases-I disempower myself- because when I go into superiority in my mind, what happens is when I face the same or similar situation in reality, is that I am not able to be the person I am in my imagination. It is not easy like it was in my mind, or I simply cannot do it/overcome the shyness/anxiety/fear/desire or whatever it may be that holds me back, and so I judge myself as having failed and I become angry like “why couldn’t I just do it?” and I lose my self-trust because I had fooled myself that I was something that I was not. And then on the emotional side- the negatively charged imaginings/fantasies- I would encounter the same or similar situation in reality, and immediately give up, go in to the cycles of disempowerment and see everything as insurmountable obstacles because I had already played it out in my head- I had already failed. So either way- I give up, and give in, let myself down, sabotage my life, and seek the release of picking my skin-wherein it has become a compulsion, an obsession and an addiction, because I don’t see any other way out of the cycle or any way to stop, but I had never considered stopping my participation in the thoughts that create the energy on a daily basis, energy which I then look to escape or release through skin picking.

When and as I see that I am following thoughts, fantasies, imaginings and play-outs in my mind, I stop, and I take a breath. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that I’m not going to figure anything out by obsessively running through scenarios over and over in my mind because it creates energetic charges that will bite me in the ass later. I remind myself that it’s okay to consider how to practically handle a situation, but that I must do so within a realistic and self-honest introspection of who I am at the moment, and what I am actually realistically capable of. I prepare myself to realize when to STOP thinking about a situation, and to not take it too far wherein I start to get worked up about it, by creating red flags, such as when I start to get a feeling or emotional charge: this is the point where I know for sure I have taken it too far- beyond a practical consideration, and into the fantasy land that creates energy, ideas, perceptions and beliefs within me that I use to sabotage myself with later. I remind myself to STOP myself from obsessively over thinking situations, and to simply drop it in one breath, and to allow myself to actually face the situation in real life, in order that I may see who I really am, where I ‘m actually at in my process, and what I am and am not capable of, so that I can work on those areas where I am falling and enhance those areas where I am standing. This way, I can over time, develop the self-trust and self-standing within which I will develop the ability to stand in situations without having to first prepare myself, but rather, to manage, process and handle reality in the moment, as Who I Am as self-expression as Life.
To be continued....
For further insight into how I am learning to direct myself within confrontations, visit: Day 11- EgoManiac Goes on the ATTACK... ends up greatly humbled
Self Study with support, Develop research skills, Develop writing skills, Develop Reading skills, Develop critical reasoning skills, Break the control that media and television have over your mind and feelings, become a real human that care... and can act to create a world that is best for all life, discover what you have missed in your education, discover the hidden history of the Universe, become part of the solution to world problems, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever --This is some of the benefits and rewards that one receive with walking the DIP LITE training -- and it is ALL FREE and will even FREE you from your EGO
 sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself  .

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows

This blog is continued form:

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)

Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD



Within this blog, I will be looking at this point of justification I use when participating in OCD, wherein I will think to myself, “It doesn’t matter if no one knows” “it will heal in time”, “I’m not going to see anyone for a while” and so on. But the truth is: I know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, or perceive that I have fooled myself into thinking that I am avoiding that which I apparently only feel in the presence of others when they see my face or my skin, instead of seeing the reality of the situation, which is that I am actually suppressing it within me, wherein I have managed to get myself to the point where I only see it clearly when others are around and see the damage I have done.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify indulging in the addiction of OCD/dermatillomania because of the thought, perception, or belief that “the only consequences are physical, and therefore, if no one knows about it, it’s like it never happened”. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn’t matter if other people know or not, I know. I know the effect it has on my relationship to myself, wherein, when I think I’m doing something ‘in secret’, I am actually only hiding from facing how I feel about myself, the betrayal I feel towards myself, the regret I feel, the shame, the disappointment, the judgment, the anger, and the self-diminishment, wherein I am giving up everything of myself, and diminishing myself to this one point of addiction/obsession/compulsion.

I commit myself to embrace myself as Who I Am at this stage, with all my flaws, fuck ups and mistakes, in complete and unconditional forgiveness, accepting me, accepting what I have become, accepting myself completely, wherein I give/gift myself the platform from which I can fix myself, heal myself, sort myself out, complete myself, fulfill myself, through forgiving myself, and taking a stand within myself and without according to what I will accept and not accept about myself.

When and as I expose to myself and reveal to myself the betrayal I feel towards myself, the regret I feel, the shame, the judgment, the anger, the disappointment and the self-diminishment I experience in the presence of others, due to what I have done unto myself in terms of the self-harm caused by skin-picking, I stop, and I breathe. I take that moment to instead embrace myself, as Who I Am at this stage, as everything I have done and become, and I accept Me, and I forgive me, and I take the stand that I do not accept and allow myself to further abuse and diminish myself through the thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs I create about/towards myself in secret because of and due to the fact that I have used skin-picking to cope with my life and reality.
To be continued...
 
To learn the basics of self-writing, sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself, for free, and start to get to know yourself within a deeper understanding, in order to uncover the real solution that can only be: Yourself!

Day 148- OCD is a Cure Possible?






It’s interesting that in our economic system it makes more sense not to cure an illness, but instead to treat the symptoms forever. What is the motivation for pharmaceutical companies to find a cure when that would end the profit-making capabilities of the illness? The most practical alternative for pharmaceutical companies, and even doctors, dentists, hospitals, psychiatrists and the like, is to keep treatment going for as long as possible.

 

I’m not making any accusations here, and I’m not saying anything new. I’m simply looking at the issue from the perspective of what our economic system validates and produces versus what an Equal Money System would validate and produce. When I did a little research about OCD I discovered that it is very common and it is generally treated with medication, and/or behavior modification (cognitive therapy) for an average of three hours a day. Most sites admit very little is known about the causes of OCD and are not sure why the medication works. Many sites asked for donations to assist them in their research. I also noticed that the impact of OCD on society was measured in damages, in other words, how much money is lost, or how much society has to pay to treat people with the disorder. Lastly I noticed that statistically, many sufferers do not seek treatment.



 

What I derive from these findings is that our economic system does not support adequate research into illnesses and disorders. That would require substantial resources to be diverted into the research, study and one-on-one treatment of people in need over a long period of time. Although in the long run this would probably produce more productive and healthy human beings- why cut profit when you can inadequately fund research (proven by the fact that research companies are asking for donations from the public), and still make billions of dollars from the sales of pharmaceuticals and other forms of treatment.
In terms of the high incidence of OCD sufferers who do not seek treatment, the most common reason given was that they were ashamed and embarrassed about their disorder.
If you take all the information into consideration you’ll notice three things:
1) When a country’s ‘success’ and ‘health’ is measured by its wealth, then sick people are a liability. They are an expense and a burden to society. They are then a threat to the prosperity and well-being of others. This creates a stigma around health issues and psychological health, and makes it hard to ‘come out’ about having an illness or disease.
2) If someone suffering from OCD is not from a country with universal healthcare, or can’t afford insurance, then treatment is simply not an option. Also, behavioural treatment can take hours a day and requires serious commitment. This can become difficult when you spend the majority of your day at a job and then get home at the end of the day to the rest of life’s responsibilities.
(Then there are all the countries in the world that lack adequate professionals, facilities, education and literacy to even begin thinking about the treatment of psychological disorders, due to lack of money).
3) Our society doesn’t promote health and healing or the self-introspection required to realize that: a) you have a mental disorder, and b) that you require help. As we rush around in life from one distraction to the next we become blind to who we really are and what’s going on inside of us. Society rather promotes us doing whatever we want, whenever we want, and then taking a pill as a ‘quick fix’ to make us feel better. And if we can’t afford a pill we can go have a drink, or a toke, or get layed, or seek an adrenaline rush, or watch porn and/or masturbate, or go shopping, or gamble, or go partying, or watch TV, or pray…. Society offers us an endless array of services to keep us occupied from really investigating our inner experience of ourselves.
The Equal Money Capitialism System is a system proposed to replace and re-define the capitalistic system that currently exists. Our current system is obviously not working out for most of the world's population, and the shrinking middle class is starting to also feel the harsh realities of this system as well. It's a system of competition where the winners take all. In Equal Money Capitalism resources are not limited by money, but by supply; so if there’s enough food on the planet to feed everybody, then everybody will eat. If there are enough doctors to treat the sick, the sick will be treated, and if there’s enough shelter, transportation and technology for everybody to receive protection from the elements and all the resources required for a dignified life, then they will get them. And the fact is that there are enough resources to provide everybody with a dignified life. And where there aren’t, attention will be focused and practical solutions will be worked towards instead of wasting all our time and resources on services to distract us, medicine that doesn't cure us, and junk and gadgets that we don’t need. Money will be backed by the value of life, and so the quality of life will be the foremost priority of the system.
Equal Money Capitalism values Life as the capital that creates wealth, and within such a system, the treatment of diseases and disorders such as OCD will be funded and researched unconditionally until solutions are found. Sick people and people with mental disorders will be provided unconditional care and treatment for as long as it takes until they are effectively cured. They will not been seen as a liability or a burden to society, but rather as keys to unlock the mysteries of the human physical mind and body, so that the next generation can be born into a world where similar disorders are immediately identified and effectively treated- worldwide.
To read more about this new system, check out: An Economists Journey to Life and Equal Money.



 

Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD

This blog is continued from:
Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
In my last blog, I shared about the fact that I realized I actually create chaos, lack of control, and participate in self-sabotage in order to create and manifest things like anxiety, fear and anger in my life, which I then ease and escape by picking my skin. For a more in depth look at this pattern of sub-conscious self-manipulation/self-sabotage, I wrote about it in this blog series:

This is the blog where I realized exactly ‘how’ I subconsciously manipulate and sabotage myself with feelings and emotions, preferences and resistances, which I succumb to.
 
Day 134- Outof-Control as a Mind State Only
In this blog I realized that so much of what I was experiencing related to ‘why I pick’, was actually created in my mind, solutions abound, yet no action is taken.

Day 135- Stop, and Change
In this blog I face the fact that I am addicted to the ‘experience’ of control that I get when I participate within and as OCD, when what I really want is actual control within my life. Buuuut…
In this blog:
Day 136- Why Do We Fear Making the Genuine Decision to Change?
 I find out that I don’t really WANT to change for real. It’s like, someone that does drugs like heroine, ‘wants’ to stop, but doesn’t really want to stop, because they love the drug so much, they’ll use any excuse to take it. On top of this, once you stop, you have to face everything you’ve done unto yourself. So, the desire to stop Is present because, we know that it’s ‘wrong’ and ‘not normal’ and harming ourselves, but at the same time, it feels so good. Herein, it feels good, but it is not good for us in reality. So what is that feeling but an energetic experience in the mind? It’s a chemical release that we can release in to our bloodstream through participating within a certain behavior. Much like a drug, we self-medicate through picking, thus releasing the chemicals that make us ‘feel’ better, without ever actually doing something practical to support ourselves to actually stop.

Within this current blog, I will be using the tools of self-forgiveness to look at what exactly are some of the things I think I gain from picking my skin, simply because I feel like I am gaining them, but really, the feeling is just an experience, rather than an actual reality.

The first thing I will be looking at is comfort and security. These are two things I feel when I participate in OCD, wherein since childhood, I have developed an idea about ‘the world’ being a big scary place where I don’t really belong. It’s a place where I get hurt and am fearful, and the OCD creates the experience of this small-ness, and safety. It’s interesting because I see this now as a very childish mentality, which makes sense if you think about how we create our worldview from childhood, and then instead of evolving and maturing, we cope, stagnate, avoid, suppress and cover up. For myself, as a child, I was very shy and ‘sensitive,’ and would become easily hurt by others. As a way to cope, I would feel ‘safe’ when I was alone, isolated and distracted. Hence, creating a little ‘safe world’ by isolating myself within OCD, separating myself from the world and then feeling alien within it:
 

Comfort and Security as Isolation and Separation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect comfort within isolation and separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define comfort within and as isolation and separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect security with isolation and separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define security within and as isolation and separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that comfort and security are things I need to seek away from others and isolated from the world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that through taking the self-responsibility to learn how to comfort and support myself, with ACTUAL support through learning how to not hurt myself and instead nurture myself, I can in fact face the world, because only I can create my internal experience, thus I am the one with the actual power and control, and not others, their words, and their perceived judgment toward me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and perceive that isolation and separation are the only way to feel comfortable and secure, instead of realizing and understanding that within developing self-trust and stability, I am able to give myself exactly what I need.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being alone is comfortable and secure, instead of realizing and understanding that avoiding facing others is actually avoiding facing myself, my own self-judgment, my own self-abuse and avoiding facing the fact that what I am doing is self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being alone is comfortable and secure because within isolation and separation no one can ‘touch me’, as in- to cause me emotional pain, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the presence of others merely reflects the pain I am causing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others can hurt or cause me emotional pain, when in fact it is only by my acceptance and allowance that I can be pained emotionally by accepting their words and judgments as true and valid, when in fact we only ever judge others as we judge ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect myself by isolating and separating myself, instead of taking responsibility for myself by gifting me back to myself by not allowing myself to be directed and suppressed within the ‘safe world’ I create, and instead learning to express myself outwardly by standing up from within and as the internal experiences I create for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to others, thus accepting and allowing abuse unto myself and others, by perceiving and believing judgments as valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself and cut myself off from existence by isolating and separating myself into my own little ‘safe world’, in stead of directing myself and expressing myself as one with and equal to this reality, and all and everybody that is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need to protect myself and keep myself safe instead of realizing nothing can touch me as who I am as Life, of and as equal value to all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate and isolate myself as a way to hide from the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that come up and manifest within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need a ‘safe world’ instead of facing the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that come up and manifest within me, within the realization that these thoughts are not greater than me, because I created them, thus I can stand up to them, equal and one, stop and change them.
I will continue in blogs to come....
To learn the basics of self-writing, sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself, for free, and start to get to know yourself within a deeper understanding, in order to uncover the real solution that can only be: Yourself!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)

This blog is continued from: Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face and

Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)

 

In my last blog, I discussed how I used the Desteni tools to support myself to ‘get my life together’, and how I had hoped that all of the work that I was doing would somehow diminish the OCD- I held the belief that OCD was a coping mechanism- that it helps me cope with the stresses, anxiety, fear and anger that I experience in my life-but what happened when I began to take responsibility myself, was the exact opposite of what I was expecting: my internal experience related to OCD had become MORE obvious. I now had nothing left to blame it on, and nothing else to hide it within. Now I am staring it straight in the face. I do not have OCD; OCD has me.

 

Before I finished my degree, school was a big justification for picking. I would have big term papers and assignments due, and I would place a huge amount of importance on doing well on each assignment. It was very difficult. I was always like “well, I have this huge assignment due, I can’t handle the pressure, I just need to take the edge off, I'll stop when school is done,” and I would pick. The only problem was- the picking would get in the way of the assignments. I wouldn’t be able to focus, I would sneak off to the bathroom or I would zone out, I would use OCD to procrastinate and I would eventually have to rush and try to do finish the assignment on time- creating stress and anxiety, always handing in work that was less-than what I was capable of- creating anger and guilt. I would really set my mind on getting through school and doing well, but I was always left feeling like I had no control over my efforts, and nothing was ever working out.  

 

I thought once school was over, the anxiety and stress would diminish, and so would the desire to indulge in my compulsive behavior. However, school is now over, and I now feel the same way I did about those huge assignments, only it’s projected on to any little tasks I have placed importance on. For example, writing a blog, or going to yoga (interesting that it’s now focused on things I enjoy doing, whereas before these were things I had no reaction to). What I have seen and shown myself is that I can turn any situation, into something that causes me to feel stressed out and anxious about within myself- and then use OCD to feel better. The whole time, I thought I just couldn’t get it together, and that because I was such a fuck up, I needed OCD to cope. However now what I see more clearly, is that if I weren’t ‘a fuckup’ creating a chaotic life that I have no control over, then I would have no excuse to pick my skin.


And this is the biggest realization I have had so far: I subconsciously sabotage myself in order to create things like anxiety and chaos in my life, in order to justify skin-picking.  I turn normal daily tasks into overwhelming burdens (getting to work on time, getting out of the house, taking a shower, getting dressed, etc…) by mind-processing every little thing and not just actually, physically moving myself to start the task, and see it through.This irrational, cyclical logic is indicative of the subconscious mind manipulation tactics that keeps my addiction going. Once I started getting my life together and actually being able to get through the day in a more reasonable manner, I saw that I don’’t use skin-picking to cope with life…I WANT to pick my skin. I WANT to keep the addiction going. Yes, it ruins everything and has complete control over me, but there’s something about it that gives me something that I don’t want to give up. It feeds my mind and I don’t genuinely want to stop.

 

So, all in all, this is how my obsessive compulsive disorder came to stare me in the face, and how I have nowhere left to run, and why I am now taking it on in my blogs. I will in my next blog, use the tool of self forgiveness to look a little more deeply at what it is that OCD gives me, that I would give up actually living and expressing myself for real, in order to keep the addiction going.


Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing about my process with OCD.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about who I am within ocd and thus, with sharing my process with ocd.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having created and manifested OCD within me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge dermatillomania as the worst kind of ocd/addiction.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for picking my skin and:

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive there is no other way to cope with life and feel normal than to continue this way, as I have obviously seen and proven that this is NOT any kind of solution to my internal experience, and the only path left is to face myself within dermatillomania.

 

I commit myself to walk the process of understanding, revealing and exposing myself to myself in terms of who I am and who I have become within/as dermatillomania.

 

I commit myself to stop judging myself for having ocd/dermatillomania, or for it having me.

I commit myself to stand and breathe through the fear of stopping dermatillomania, and I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing self-forgiveness, self-commitments and self-corrective application as I do so.

 

When and as I feel the fear/shame/embarrassment arise within me connected to thoughts of writing about myself/my experience/my mind in relation to dermatillomania/ocd/etc… I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to breath, and to standing up within myself  by reminding myself only I can judge myself, diminish myself, and humiliate myself in my mind and I will not accept and allow myself to stop myself from writing myself out, no matter what my mind throws at me. I see, realize and understand that addiction will use any means necessary to continue, and I will not accept/allow myself to be less than addiction. I humbly stand equal to it and one with it so that I can change as it to a living application that supports and honours myself as life in every moment.

When and as I see that I am judging myself for picking my skin/writing about picking my skin, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself that I am not perfect, this is a process, and any form of self-judgment only compounds the impacts of the disorder, and will not only lengthen the process I’ll have to walk, but will also make it harder. I remind myself to walk this process within and as complete self-acceptance, within the understanding that only with unconditional self-acceptance can I bring about real self-change.

 To learn the basics of self-writing, sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself, for free, and start to get to know yourself within a deeper understanding, in order to uncover the real solution that can only be: Yourself!