Monday, January 14, 2013

Day 141- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 5)

This post is continued from:

I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to react towards the word ‘steadfastness’ within fear, because I realize that in order to become steadfast, and to become the living word ‘steadfastness’, I will necessarily have to really face and begin and continue to stop my enslavement to the mind-, and to the ups and downs of feelings and emotions: pulling myself out of lows and bringing myself down from highs. I will necessarily have to contemplate absolutes, and effect absoluteness- no wavering, no falling back, and to this my mind says no no noooooo. Because as the mind, I don’t want to change, I don’ want to let go of addictions, distractions and escapes, and be ‘present and aware’ all of the time. To myself as my mind, this seems like an impossible task.
However, I also realize that I’m looking through the skewed assessment of the mind- and the lens of consequence only- not taking into consideration the change I have already lived, the substantiation of myself, where I have proven to myself that I am capable of things I had not previously imagined possible.
It’s not all withdrawal, discomfort and resistance. These are inevitable parts of this process of change, but one must also look at what else is there. To simultaneously enhance the changes already made, and enjoy them, while, at the same time facing the consequence, facing self, and facing the process of self-honesty and self-change. This is the fine balance that makes it doable and livable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can’t do this and I don’t want to change because that is what I feel in one moment when my mind automatically projects a path of difficulty, hardship and struggle, which, so long as I focus on it, I ill in fact manifest as my living reality.
I commit myself to focus and enhance that of me which does not become lured in by the mind, by stepping up my diligence, my specificity, my self-investigation, and my self-understanding in those moments when I experience being lured into the thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, fantasies, projections, ideas and internal conversations that I accept and allow to lead me down the path of self-doubt and giving up which makes things seem so much harder than they actually are.
When and as I see that I am projecting a path of hardship and struggle for myself, I stop, and I breathe. I take the moment as an opportunity to gift myself the release/relief of choosing to NOT pursue this thought, and instead, enjoy my next breath, free from the hardship and struggle in my mind that never even realy existed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I don’t want to let go of addictions, distractions and escapes because they pull me into them by giving me a ‘good’ experience within myself, and they repel me from changing/stopping because I know it will seem difficult/uncomfortable at first.
I commit myself to face those moments after I make the decision to stop and change, because I see/realize/understand, and have seen/realized/understood from direct experience, that these moments or difficulty, uncomfortability and resistance are only ever temporary, and the more I am consistent, the easier it gets, just like every other new or different thing I have done and stuck with.
I commit myself to remind myself that that within/as me which thinks/believes/perceives that I ‘want’ to hold on to addictions/distractions/escapes is not the part of me that has my best interest as a starting point. In fact, it takes place to my detriment. So when I make the statement ‘I want this/I want to remain this  way/I don’t want to stop/change this or that': it is the exact opposite of the truth.
When and as I experience the fear of commiting to change by stepping up my diligence, specificity, self-investigation and self-understanding using the excuse that it is ‘not what I really want’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-commitment by stopping the thought/my reaction to the thought immediately with breath, bringing myself back to physical reality, and simply making the decision to stop AGAIN, and taking the next step/breath, and the next one, and the next one, until nothing is moving within me and I am again clear.

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