Day 136- Why Do We Fear Making the Genuine Decision to Change?

          Within this blog I am exploring the self-compromise I have accepted and allowed in my life due to sub-consciously sabotaging myself in so many ways. I do this because it creates chaos in my world from which I can cry ‘helplessness’, thus giving myself the excuse to not have to stand up and face reality, and not have to stand up and change for real.

This blog is continued from Day 135- Stop, and Change, where I wrote out the self-forgiveness statements that allowed me to put my guard down and dig a little deeper into this sub-conscious self-manipulation. The realizations that have been coming forth within this process of writing explain SOOO much of why things just seem to ‘never work out’ for me, and these are points of sub-conscious doings that I missed within my entire series of writing out my troubles at school. However, within that series I exposed myself to myself in so many ways and peeled back some top layers so that I am now here, at this point, where I am seeing the nitty-gritty details of the lies I have been living. 

Small lies, probably millions of them told only to myself, mostly affecting no one directly but myself, and creating a crumbling foundation from which building strength, integrity, will-power and stability would be impossible. Now I simply have to take it all down and start again in such a way where I am honest with myself and who and how I really am, so that the foundation of Who I Am is something I can build into something I can trust and depend on. This can only be proven to me, by me, over time.

          Below are the self-commitment statements and self-corrective application statements that I have derived from the self-forgiveness statements in my previous blog. 

          The self-forgiveness statements expose me to myself in such a way that I can handle it because it is done within forgiveness, within the understanding that from here on out I will stop these ways, and change them. The self-commitment and self-corrective application statements assist and support me to practically script myself out, because in changing one has nothing to refer to or fall back on when difficult moments arise. If  don’t script myself out, I will not be able to trust myself to see, realize, understand, stop and change all in one moment- Especially because that ‘one moment’ is the ‘moment of truth’. It is the moment where everything is coming together and old patterns and habits kick in automatically and with a vengeance  In that moment it is too easy to become confused, uncertain, overwhelmed, give up and fall back in to my old ways. It is simply too easy to do so if I don’t have a plan, a practical script that I wrote by myself, for myself, in a way that I understand exactly what’s going on and what would be the absolute best and most practical thing for me to do, or action for me to take, that will lead to, over time, creating results that support me and that are best for me in my life. Thus over time, creating a ‘me’ that I can depend on and trust.

I commit myself to stop feeding my addiction to the energetic experience of control by stopping myself in those moments where I see that I am participating in self-sabotage which slowly over time, moment by moment, creates a lack of control in my life and world, and I know very well when those moments are, and I commit myself to looking at myself self-honestly so that I can identify those moments with clarity, directness and assertiveness.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in the self-sabotage that leads to loss of control (giving up on tasks/not seeing things through, ignoring issues, procrastinating, taking too long/being late ec…) I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to assertiveness, self-direction and clarity within myself by reminding myself that as within, so without: as I direct my external world with clarity, assertiveness and self-direction, so will I direct my internal world as such, and vice versa, until I am back in control of my thoughts, words and deeds in every moment.

I commit myself to learn what real commitment really is, by seeing tasks through till I am satisfied that I have directed them through to completion in the best way possible.

When and as I see that I am quitting on something, letting it go, considering it ‘dealt with’ before I am completely satisfied that it is done, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-commitment by reminding myself that it will create a LOT more work for me to do something half-assed than it will for me to out in the time and dedication to see the task through in the moment, and within the understanding that in the moment, I will bombard myself with excuses, justifications and validations for why I don’t have to finish, in whch case I use the tool of breath to breathe through and simply move myself till it is done.

I commit myself to bring my life and world back into control by specifically focusing on those tasks that I judge as difficult, and to see them through to the end within the understanding that it will be very difficult IN FACT if I listen to all my justifications, validations and excuses.

I commit myself to see through the lies I tell myself about how ‘I can’t do it’ and ‘it’s too hard’, because I see, realize and understand that I do this in order to not change, and to justify not changing, by keeping myself trapped in the illusion that I am helpless.

When and as I see that I am judging something as ‘difficult’ or ‘complicated’ I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to self-honesty within the realization that there is always a solution and a way to do it, it’s just a matter of taking a moment to figure it out, and then sticking to the solutions I decide upon. If it doesn’t work out, I learn, and then apply what I have learned and do it again until I am satisfied or until it is effective.


From previous blog:

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking control of my Life and world because then I would be responsible and accountable, whereas if everything is out of control then I don’t really have to step up to the plate."


I commit myself to make the genuine decision to change and to not just use self-forgiveness and partial-change to avoid negative consequences that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to generate in my life due to avoiding taking complete self-responsibility.

I commit myself to investigate my desire to not change through writing self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective application statements so that I can practically apply myself in my world in a way that leads to actual change.

I commit myself to investigate and expose to myself the reasons for which I do not want to change in the utmost detail, so that I no longer use uncertainty as an excuse to continue to sabotage myself and keep myself enslaved to those parts of myself that I do not have control over, but which instead control and direct me.

When and as I see that I am letting go of my self-control and my self-direction in moments where it feels as though I do not have the integrity and will power to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I accept and allow myself to simply stop, and let go/breathe through the energetic experience I am creating thus accepting and allowing myself to face that which I am avoiding, which is the absolute fear that lies beneath the experience of uncertainty, so that I can stand up from within and as it, and assert myself as Who I Am in that moment, stating “I Am Here”, “I direct me”, “I decide who and how am am/going to be in this moment, NOT uncertainty and not FEAR, but MYSELF as the self-directive principle of me”, and I stop. I stop generating the constant and continuous internal experience of uncertainty, fear and the helplessness to stop it.

I commit myself to write myself out, and to expose to myself the ways in which I have created and manifested the helplessness that I fall into in moments of fear.

I commit myself to be the integrity and will power that I am min the face of that which I have thus far allowed to conquer and control me.


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