Sunday, May 6, 2018

How Do You Know If You Have Changed?

How do you know if you have changed? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you taken a moment to look?

If you are someone that is pushing to change, how often have you taken a moment to ask: have I changed today? Have I pushed myself to expand, grow and evolve? Or have I let yet another day slip by in unawareness, with no self-evolution, no self-expansion, and no personal growth? For me, it has been a long while since I looked at this question.

But it came up as I was listening to ‘Stomach Flu: Consequence and Support’ (, which asked this very question, and so I took a moment to reflect. To my pleasant surprise, I could think of three moments in the past three days, including today, where I experienced a definitive change in myself and how I handled a situation within myself in a moment.

When I say “experienced a change”, it may sound like the change happened to me, and I was more like a passenger going along for the ride. This is not the case. What happened in each one of these moments is that I saw myself acting/reacting in a way that I did not like, that I saw was not best for me, that I saw was simply ‘the way I have always been’, and in that moment made a definitive decision to change.

In this quantum moment of looking I could see the consequence, the play out and the end result of who and how I would be creating myself if I were to go along with ‘the way I have always been’. And in that moment, I scripted out a change and lived it, creating a real time living moment where my ‘Who I Am’ was something completely new, being created in that moment, instead of repeating a past personality character as ‘the way I have always been’. In this way, creating a ‘new script’ for myself as the ideal version of me I would like to be and become.

The following will illustrate what I mean by ‘creating a new script’, where I, in awareness, step in and make a definitive decision to change in one moment, and where, in the moments that follow, I get to decide moment by moment who I am, I get to see parts of myself that are new to me, or express parts of myself that I always knew were there, but never had the courage to bring forth and live for real.

Moment of change #1: From awkward and suppressed to expressive and free

I was in the car with a bunch of people, and I started to feel anxious energy moving in. It started because I had felt rushed to get ready and feared the car had left without me, because all the people had left the house and met at the car and I wasn’t sure if they knew I was still coming with or not. In the car, I noticed that the people were being expressive, boisterous and jovial, while I was feeling slightly stressed and anxious due to feeling rushed and worried, and so I felt rigid, stiff and supressed.

I started thinking that I was like the party-pooper, the quiet one that would just sit there and not participate in the fun – a pattern I have lived out so many times. I felt that I would put a damper on the fun, and saw myself withdrawing within myself hoping nobody would notice me, kind of just wanting to disappear and wondering if I should have even come.

The seeing: I saw that if I continued like this, it would affect my entire day. I would start feeling alien and awkward around the other people, and want to dodge any attention or focus on myself.

The decision: I decided that I did not want to live out this pattern, and that I in fact had a choice. I decided that I would instead enjoy this day, look forward to it. I took the anxious energy and instead connected it to the events of the day that I was looking forward to, to the enjoyment I knew I could experience within interacting with these people, and to feeling comfortable and confident in my body and my ability to express myself equally. In this moment I transformed the ‘anxious energy’ into ‘excitement energy’. This all happened in less than a second, and in that moment where I saw how easily I could take myself back from this experience and change the energy, I dropped the energy all together and simply let myself be, the energy no longer had power over me and who I am, and Who I really am could step forward.

The new script: I immediately felt a shift in myself, like a weight had been lifted. In that moment, someone asked a question: “shall we stop for some snacks?” and instead of mumbling ‘no’ and that I was fine and needed nothing (because I wouldn’t want to put anybody out for my unworthy needs), I responded that YES! Of course we should do that! What a treat! Here are all the things I would like to pick up that I will enjoy today (insert all sorts of treats and yummy things here), and where would be the best place to stop?

And then I actually enjoyed picking things out in the store, seeing what the others purchased, sharing, munching and going about the day. The day was amazing, full of laughing, joking, talking, exploring and fun. I felt comfortable, at ease, and I enjoyed myself very, very much.

Moment of Change #2: From insecure and defensive to amused and open

I was walking in the field with two people, and we were chatting. Someone brought it to my attention that I was walking very fast, and a discussion ensued about my propensity to be rushed and do things in unawareness. This is a weakness of mine that I am currently working on, and that is still a point that I contend with daily. One of the people described this point out loud, plain, simple and direct, mentioning about how it is still very present in my life and living. I felt insecure with my weakness being exposed, and I felt defensive energy coming up where I wanted to deny or fight this statement.

The seeing: I saw that if I were to deny or fight the point, I would basically be arguing for my own limitation, because the reality is that I do want to correct this point, so why hide it or defend it? I saw that I would simply be lying to myself and causing the point to linger even longer because in ‘defending myself’ in this moment, I saw that what I would actually be doing would be defending the pattern. Not only that, but I would be creating friction with the people around me, placing walls between us and thus preventing any possible support to be given to me.

The decision: I decided that there is no need to hide or defend my weakness, and that I could stand even though I am not perfect, because I want to change and therefore I need to see myself for real. I decided that I would instead look at the statement objectively and embrace the fact that I have this idiosyncrasy that is actually quite funny. In that moment, again, I felt a shift, a weight dropped away and I felt light, loose and relaxed.

The new script: I burst out laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of this point of absentmindedness that I have been living out and admitted that I am having quite a difficult time with supporting myself to change this point. I mentioned some support that I had been given that I thought was practical, and the others then added to that support and helped me to clarify how I was looking at the point. The topic then changed and I was able to let go of the moment (remembering the tips and tricks they gave me) and move on to the next moment and topic of discussion seamlessly and naturally with no lingering feelings of insecurity or defensiveness like I would have done in the past.

Moment of Change #3: from weak and inferior to strong like a mountain

I was sitting in an EQAFE interview and the being was describing what happens within us when we create and participate within the ‘fear of authority’- how a lack of confidence and the emergence of insecurity and inferiority can overcome us in moments when we face someone the resonates authority and superiority. This happens because of how we view and judge our own character, highlighting our own weaknesses, living ‘weakness of character’ as ourselves as Who We Are.

As I was listening to the interview, I began to place myself, in my mind, in the position of confronting an authority and feeling weak, insecure and inferior. The energy began to manifest in me, reminding me of a time where I felt as stable as a mountain, but with weaknesses where, if I were to be hit in a weak spot, my entire mountain would crumble. Kind of like a chain only being as strong as it’s weakest link. I did not like this about myself and, at the time, I felt like there was no way to change it. In the interview, I began to feel physically uncomfortable, not wanting to listen or hear anymore, just wanting to get up and walk out.

The seeing: In this moment, where the insecure, weak and inferior energy started crawling in with my thoughts and remembrances, I realized I hadn’t checked in on this point in a while. I saw that I had the tendency to pick out all my weaknesses and totally disregard any strength. In doing this, I saw how I created a self-perception of a ‘weak character’ that can be knocked over easily, inferior and insecure when confronted. I saw how, when I participate in this way of thinking, I actually actively create it as myself in the present moment, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The decision: I decided to instead look at everything beneficial and self-strengthening I had done and am doing for and as myself since my last check in on this point. All of a sudden, I began to see so many things, so many decisions I had made that I had seen through to completion, so many times I placed myself in situations where I had to face an authority figure, and had stood up and voiced myself, so many moments of self-support that I had lived. It was like all these moments and remembrances began to come to me and collect inside of me like giant, solid pieces of myself that I was seeing for the first time, filling all the holes and gaps in the mountain I had seen myself as, strengthening it to the point where there were no longer any weak spots that could be targeted. In this moment, a confidence and stability began to easily replace the insecurity, weakness and inferiority I had been feeling moments before.

The new script: My experience of myself changed from uncomfortable and wanting to leave the room, to comfortable, confident and understanding. I was taken aback at how I had overlooked so many aspects of myself, not appreciated the things I had done for and as myself over the past years, and instead had only focused on my challenges and weaknesses. I was able to now focus on the information being shared as support for how to handle people that resonate authority and superiority.
 How they in fact are also stuck in these points and almost require to dominate over others in order to feel secure within themselves, which is a shame and can sometimes only be endured and tolerated by others until the individual walks the point back to an equality, within themselves and with others.

I have personally lived both ends of this polarity, but am now equipped with the understanding to simply see right through it as I practice my living stability as an equal member of the group called life.

In the end, as I was writing this I began to remember more moments of change, expansion and growth which came flooding into my mind from these past months and years. But the truth and reality is that it still isn’t nearly enough. I see that I could be so much more directive within it, making it a point and directed effort to continue to push daily moments of change. It takes no extra effort, in fact, it is more effortful to hold up and maintain past patterns and limitations – that takes energy, exertion, arguing, reacting, cycling. Rather live unbound, in the moment, courageously walking into the unknown with moment by moment change.

My road to change began here: Where will you begin yours?