Sunday, July 12, 2020

Finding My Self-Expression





One of the keys to releasing the accumulated energy of OCD has been to learn about and live self-expression. This self-expression as Who I Really Am, beneath the layers of anxiety, fear, anticipation, urgency, rush, avoidance, control and so many other internal experiences, seems to be buried so deep that I feel I cannot access it. 

The question I am left wondering is – Who Am I beyond or beneath OCD? It has become so much a part of what I do, how I behave and what I express that I have built an entire self-definition, self-image, self-identification and self-belief system around it. This has become integrated as fact, the reality of me so much so that it feels like I have to breathe and dig before I can find Who I Really Am, what I have to say, what I actually enjoy and like, and what expressions are Here for me in moments. 

It has become a moment-to-moment practice, to recognize what is Here for me and where it is coming from – it is a practice in self-awareness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling vulnerable in moments where I am expressing myself, where I bind my expression to others and in that, feel ‘hurt’ if my expression is seemingly ‘not accepted’, which indicates that what I was expressing was conditional, only allowed on the condition that it is accepted, ‘appreciated’, acknowledged, understood by those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions on my self-expression, abdicating my self-responsibility of Who I Am onto others, placing them in the position to ‘make’ me as my apparent self-expression feel accepted, comfortable and safe, instead of ME embracing and accepting myself – seeing and realizing that it is my own reactions that I am fearing, and so instead creating a safe space or safe haven within myself, and expressing me from there.

I forgive myself that I have not recognized the fact that if it is truly self-expression, it is Here regardless of how it is received – that simply does not matter or have a role in what or how I am expressing myself – except for practical assessments based in physical reality – understanding that I cannot always fully express myself in certain places or at certain times – withholding for practical reasons and not because of or due to internal reactions – wherein I can still recognize and see what is here for me, and can alter it if required, knowing that I am not compromising myself or my expression, but rather considering the Whole and everyone Here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that any reaction I am in will automatically contaminate my self-expression and so I should not speak, instead of trusting myself that I can correct my expression in the moments where I act, living self-forgiveness and self-correction within and through living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must ‘wait’ until I have no reactions within me before I speak or express, thinking and believing that only then, when I am completely clear and ‘pure’ – only then can I express me, not seeing or realizing that I will then wait forever, because unless I apply and correct – nothing will move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to fearing self-expression, thinking and believing myself to have been ‘born in sin’ – where my self-expression is necessarily wrong and bad and must be contorted, controlled and altered to fit in to the acceptable standards, norm and culture of human interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate for a moment before I express me, wherein, in that hesitation, instead of checking myself in a quantum moment as “placing a guard before my mouth”, I instead go into reaction and accept/allow myself to participate and then be over-taken by the reaction wherein I then suppress my self-expression in that moment, losing a moment forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing moments, instead of embracing all of me, including my mistakes, letting the moment go within remembering the lesson, and using the mis-take to learn and apply myself differently the next time, thus practicing and perfection my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my self-expression as ‘unsafe’, wherein I think I need a ‘safe’ environment in which to express me, thus limiting my self-expression to how I feel as my mood (DOOM) as feelings and emotions, thus once again placing conditions upon my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my self-expression and the self-expression of others as ‘unsafe’ because it is unpredictable, it is not something that can be controlled – and thus it is a threat to consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be consciousness, wherein when something ‘threatens’ consciousness existence and control, I feel as though ‘I’ am threatened as Who I Really Am, instead of seeing that it is the ‘I’ of the mind that is only required to step down, within the trust that ‘I’ as my stand as Who I Am, Where I Am and Why I am within my process of self-development (position and location) is willing and able to stand equally as I realize, develop, grow and create myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my self-expression, where there is an inherent blame, expectation and demand on my environment and those in it to do or be something FOR ME, within the misconception that something outside of myself must create, do or be something first, before I can express me Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame things outside of myself,

instead of trusting and honouring me as my expression.



Thursday, April 30, 2020

Why Do I Accept a System of Crime?





Because I accept and allow the fact that I have more than others, and I know that this is unfair. I realize that what I have and my position in the world is a result of living in a system of inequality, where I out of sheer luck, ended up being born into the group called the ‘haves’, where I spent my life not challenging this because I was born into it and accepted it as simply ‘the way things are’.
Because of and due to my acceptance and allowance of a system of inequality, I have accepted and allowed that abject poverty, starvation, survival, lack and innumerable forms of suffering are ok to exist. 

Within this I have accepted and allowed myself to fear these atrocities, and so fear that lack, starvation, poverty and innumerable forms of suffering may occur to me - a fear which keeps me in my place and in line and paralyzed from speaking up or disrupting the system and my place within it.

Because I accept and allow self-interest, where I am fully human and deserving, and where ‘criminals’ exist only as a picture in my mind and so I do not have to consider them as fully human, equals in Life, where they exist as figments of my imagination.

Because I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to consumerism, possessed by possessions because I have accepted and allowed ‘what I have’ to determine ‘how I feel’ in terms of things like survival, security, self-image, self-worth etc… and within this have accepted and allowed a fear of loss, fear of losing myself, my things, my money, and so want to protect it, hoard it, keep others out and away, even when I know there is no system of support for them to go to.

Because I have separated myself from others with the thought that ‘it is happening to them’ and not me, and feeling relieved.

Because I’ve abdicated responsibility to governments, police and other systems to ‘take care of crime’, where if it is not happening directly to me, I don’t have to look at it.

Because I accept and allow myself to judge myself, and then punish myself in my mind, thus accepting and allowing a system of judgment/punishment within, and so as a result, equally accepting and allowing it without.

Because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the ‘me versus them’ game, where ‘I am good’ because I do not ‘commit crime’ (as defined by the system), and ‘they are bad’ because they ‘commit crime’ (as defined by the system), instead of seeing and realizing that I AM them, seeing ‘them’ as reflections of those parts of me I have suppressed, not faced, and showing me the crimes of our combined acceptances and allowances in this world.

Because I have accepted and allowed jealousy, greed, envy and spite within and as me, where I want what others have, and where I’ve accepted and allowed disempowerment within myself and in relation to the world systems of money, jobs and consumerism, thinking and believing I am powerless to better myself and my life, and so I will instead take from others, acting within spite of others because they have what I want and so I spite them, make them less, and take what they have despite the fact that  would not want this to happen to me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and hope that ‘crime does not happen to me’, sitting in fear of crime, holding my breath in a way, while I accept and allow crime to exist without questioning why or what can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to a system of absolute inequality unquestioningly, where my mind exists in a small box of what is acceptable and allowable, where I never dared to peek outside that box and ask questions, or opened my mindset enough to consider that there can be another way, that solutions and change are possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of inequality, abject poverty, starvation, lack, survival and innumerable forms of suffering to exist within the thought that “it is ok so long as it is not happening to me” and that “I am ok to just sit here and fear it” instead of taking a stand within myself that this is not an acceptable way to live life on this earth and that I will not allow the acceptance of this within me and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and fear the atrocities of the world, fearing lack, starvation, poverty and innumerable forms of suffering, fearing that they may occur to me, a fear which keeps me in place and in line, which paralyzes me from speaking up or disrupting the order of things for fear of losing my privileged place within it, where I don’t dare go there, not even in my mind, not even opening up the possibility of another way in my mind, showing I have been mind-controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-interest, where I, in my mind, am fully human and so deserving, whereas those I perceive to be ‘criminals’ or ‘victims of crime’ exist only as a picture, a figment of my imagination and so I do not have to consider them as fully human, equals in Life, and can drop them from my mind as easily as I can drop or change a picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become addicted to consumerism, possessed by my possessions, where I have accepted and allowed ‘what I have’ to determine ‘who I am’ and ‘how I feel’ in terms of and in relation to things like survival, security, self-image and self-worth etc… where within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss, fear losing myself, to fear losing my things, to fear losing my money, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself, my things and my stuff, to keep others ‘out’ and ‘away’, even though I know very well there is no system of support in place for them, for those less fortunate to turn to as the world turns away and we collectively turned our backs on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others, and react in ‘relief’ when I see that bad things are happening to them, and not me, even though if I were in their position, I would want someone to consider me, to support me, to help me out till I get on my feet, and within this, I forgive myself that I have not done unto others as I would like have done unto me, but have instead closed myself off, closed my mind as consideration, closed all the doors and locked myself into my castle of fear – much like how it play out on earth is how I exist in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to the government, police, and other systems, for them to take care of the ‘crime problem’, the ‘crime problem’ that we have all collectively accepted and allowed, but when we do not have to deal with it directly, we do not have to look at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to governments, where they can use my power to fuel their own corruption, or be burdened by my power, where they truly want to do something about the situation but simply cannot take it on alone without the participation of the masses, and so they get the life sucked out of them, as I sit in fear in my apparent comfort and security of ‘having enough to survive’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to the police to please ‘take care of crime’, where they risk their lives and kill others due to this entire system that we have collectively allowed, where ‘criminals versus police’ creates a life of fear, misery, stress, anxiety, death and insecurity for the individuals directly involved and their families, where they confront reality more directly for all of us, and so we herald the police as heroes because they are standing in a position we do not want to stand in, see, look at or know about, so we honour them and give them medals, punish and judge the others for a sense of justice being done, when in fact we are actually honouring the system, justifying the system, keeping the system in place, and the front-line place keepers for not rocking the boat, because then we all know we would have to look, have to confront it, within ourselves and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of ‘crime and punishment’ to exist within and as me, where I constantly judge myself in my mind, and constantly punish myself and beat myself up in my  mind, so that when I see judgment and punishment happening outside of me and in the world, I think ‘yes, I am not the only one, others must also suffer, be judged and punished like me’, and so feel a bit better when I see judgments being made and apparent ‘justice’ taking place as punishment, instead of stopping judging, coming to an understanding, and changing the circumstances that cause the problems in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the ’me’ versus ‘them’  game, where I judge myself as ‘good’ because I apparently do not commit ‘crime’ (as defined by the system), and ‘they are bad’ because they commit ‘crime’ (as define by the system), instead of seeing and realizing that I AM ‘them’, and seeing and realizing ‘them’ as reflections of me and those parts of myself within me that I have suppressed, not faced, where ‘they’ (us/we) are simply showing ‘us’ (ourselves collectively) the result and consequences of our collective acceptances and allowances in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed greed, jealousy, envy and spite to exist within and as me, wanting what others have, and instead of empowering myself to make the best life for myself and everyone else – where everyone can have what they want and need, instead go into disempowerment within myself and in relation to the world systems of money, jobs, consumerism etc… thinking and believing I am powerless, and so I would consider taking from others, acting within spite towards others because they have what I want and I can’t otherwise get it, in this, diminishing them in my mind conveniently so that taking from them does not seem so bad, even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not want this to be done unto me, instead of living the statement and principle of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, where I would rather have us all working on a system of support, to support each one in their lives and livelihoods.

I commit myself to break down my walls of fear, to let Life in and let myself out into the world and reality, where I commit myself to dedicate myself to a process of change, to assist and support anyone who decides to do the same, and receive assistance and support when I need it, to change in thought, word and deed to an actual creator that contributes to the creation of a world that's Best for All.