I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, to not speak, to not pay attention to what is going on inside of me and what I am experiencing within myself as a false form of ‘inner silence’ where I will not speak, not acknowledge and therefore not have to face what and how I am actually existing as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control myself through silence, where I experience a self-control and a false sense of inner-peace because within remaining silent I do not have to actually take self-responsibility for what my mind is actually busy with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain silent on the outside, claiming ‘inner-silence’, when in fact my reality feedback of migraines and emotional/feeling reactions to situations and events clearly indicates that I am not actually silent, but in fact very busy in my mind consistently throughout the day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain ‘silent’ as not voicing or expressing myself due to the fear of the feedback I may receive from my reality and within this, never learning, never expanding, not giving myself the opportunity to expose myself and so correct myself, but instead keeping secrets and secret parts of myself that comfort me to remain the same instead of ‘stirring the waters’ of Self to be able to SEE myself and what I am busy creating within and through my mind as consequences for myself, my reality and the people in it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself from myself by keeping the old, familiar status quo of thoughts, thought patterns, experiences, ideas and beliefs which seem so comfortable and normal, and within this comfortability and normalcy, thinking and believing it is ‘just the way I am’ where I become so much in it and of it that I do not see it for what it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain silent as a ‘deafness’ to myself, where I can see in moments I am judging, comparing, keeping tally, bringing up polarized thoughts – all in order to maintain a control over my self-experience so that I feel ‘good’, ‘stable’, ‘in control’ of myself, without seeing and realizing that it is myself at work de-stabilizing, making unhappy, and feeling out-of-control because of and due to ‘remaining silent’ instead of expressing, exposing, looking, acknowledging what I am busy creating for and as myself in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘remain silent’ due to fear of condemnation – being condemned by self and others for my thoughts and thinking – believing it to be Who I Am wherein there is a guilt, a knowing that what I am busy with inside my mind is not best for me, is not best for all – not seeing and realizing that forgiveness, letting go and changing is the real door to real inner-silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to, clutch on to my survival technique of false silence, avoiding conflict, avoiding friction and avoiding ‘stirring the waters’ in my reality through keeping myself ‘silent always’, while in reality storms were brewing inside of me which I would ignore, suppress and push down, holding on to the storms, allowing them to fester and grow, feeling guilty and condemning myself, or feeling righteous and elevating myself, creating entire inner-realities as self-beliefs and beliefs about others that have no grounds in actual reality but seems and feel so real to me as my inner-experience left unchecked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘remain silent’ as a fear of speaking and exposing my ‘inner-noise’ as the inner-conversations, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, play-outs, imaginations, imaginary conversations etc… because I have associated them with self-control, because in my mind I am god and have all the control, whereas if I speak, if I expose my inner-world, I can lose it, lose control of it as reality feedback will usually not align with it, not confirm it, where I will want to defend it, defend myself and my inner-reality due to fear of feeling ‘out-of-control’ and fear of walking real-time into the unknown, unknowable, unplanned, unplannable, cutting-edge of time reality that exists Here in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to remain ‘in-control’ of myself, within and through associating ‘mySelf’ as Who I Am with what I create within my mind as my ‘safe space’ that nobody can touch, so long as I remain silent.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that a false ‘inner-silence’ is self-dishonest, and dishonest with all of those in my reality, is remaining secret and hidden instead of open and honest about Who I Am and where I am at, which would then place the steps and foundation for self-honesty, for the development of trust, for self-intimacy and real intimacy with others, for actual inner-peace, openness, honesty and communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘inner-silence’ as an ‘inner-silencing’ of the turmoil that exists within me in order to create a front of everything being ‘ok’. I am ‘ok’. “I do not need anyone”, because of not wanting to face the reactions of others and not wanting to face myself, but instead hide in an inner-silencing and then acting out in other ways, in rebelling, in escape, in substance abuse, in sex, in relationships, in pretense where I pretend everything is fine while I create an inner hell over time, with physical and emotional consequences to bear which do not just ‘go away’ if I silence them in my mind, but rather remain to remind and show that there is consequence to suppression, to denial, to avoidance, to distraction, to a numbing silence, and to pretense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘remain silent’ as a silencing of my actual experience, and live instead in pretense/pretend, in a false self that is ‘ok’, thus diminishing myself, my actual experience, and within this, distancing myself, disassociating myself with who I really am, focusing more on the pretense, surviving in pretense, living in protection and defense, distancing myself and disassociating myself from others as myself.
I commit myself to open my eyes and ears to my 'inner noise' and within this, open my heart to myself in forgiveness for what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as within myself.
I commit myself to speak myself in moments when there is something for me to express.
I commit myself to push through the fears and desire to hold on to the self-controlled silence, to step through with the courage and self-trust of knowing that so long as I share and expose me in self-forgiveness, I will be stepping out of the mind and into myself.
Interviews from the farm 66: When is Silence Real :: Desteni
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