Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Day 265 - The Farmies

It’s been coming up in me for a while now that I’d like to share my experiences with the farmies. This is because for the past year and a half now I have been living on the Desteni farm and have been integrating into the group of 12 other people through living together, working together, eating together, laughing together, crying together, facing traumas and emergencies, losses and celebrations, all very much: together.

When I use the word ‘integrating’, I am referring to an integration on another level as well, which I think happens when you live so closely with a group, especially one where sharing what is going on within self on deep and intimate levels is normal and commonplace. The experience is one where it feels like I am integrating into a living organism, where every person is a vital organ, playing a role of mutual support - like breathing - a giving and a receiving, each according to their needs, abilities and location point.

As I’ve come to know each person here, it has been like an opening up and a letting in on a level that I have never before experienced. One where each individual is like an ocean of depth, a vastness and profoundness that is like getting a glimpse into Life itself, having my breath taken away at the value of Life itself and so the value of each person and living thing on this earth, a value that is beyond words.

The cool part is that: you can only recognize in others that which you can recognize in yourself, and since the beginning of my stay here at the farm, I have been recreating, reconnecting with and rediscovering that value in myself that I had abandoned so long ago.

Each person here supports me in a unique and individual way that only they can, and then that support works together like an entire network or intricately woven web where each strand supports the next, and together they form something stronger than the individual part alone.

For example: It’s as though Gian scoops up my potential when I need it most, and hands it to me as if saying: “remember this?”, and then trusts me to walk it into a living, yet is there to guide me when I veer to far off the path. LJ supports me in ways that I don’t even see, that I think I’ve done completely by myself, until I walk the timeline back to the starting point of the change I see I’ve made, and realize it was a from a moment, or many moments shared with him  over time or working together. Maite’s laugh is the most beautiful sound you will ever hear, and is only one way in which you can see, hear or feel her expression coming through. She has been there in moments when my foundation has been shaken, and with a few words, a hand to hold or a hug, she grounds me back into myself to find my stability again. Her words can cut through the bullshit in a moment, like a ground-shaking blow, but with such a gentleness that it’s like falling into a cushion of self, where the tough self-seeing always ends in a self-embrace. Leila has supported me on a physical level, inviting me into my body to discover it’s ‘divine intelligence’ in the form of information that has always been there, I just didn’t know how to access it. She can open up difficult points by clearly and concisely pointing out the entire pattern and structure in such a way that is so undeniable that I simply have no choice but to change. Leila’s ability to be so comfortably intimate was intimidating to me at first! But I’ve now found a comfortability within it and can join her when we go there. Sunette and the portal support me in vastly different ways. The portal of course with the understanding, with the access, the showing – has brought me through intensely emotional points where it feels as though I’ve dived into depths of myself that go beyond the framework of this reality. And Sunette, through her living, her example, her process walking and her sharing has given me maps into uncharted territories, breaking down the belief that ‘I can’t do it cause I don’t know how’, not realizing that I was the one with the maps all along! Joe will listen to me, and within all of the confused and emotional ranting, immediately identify the obstacles and ask me just the right questions which, when answered, illuminate with clarity the path I must walk. I can struggle with something for days, and then go to Joe and present my difficulties, and with a few questions and insights it’s as if a tornado of information swirling in my head becomes a walk in the woods where I can now recognize the obstacles myself, and overcome them. He supported me to change my personal story when the one I was living was actually diminishing me, where I re-scripted it to one where I move on and grow. Adam has painted my process with an artistry of words, descriptions and explanations, redefining my understanding of ‘art’, where it’s not just paint on a canvas or sculpting clay, but living words into and as the canvas of Life, and sculpting self through shaving off those parts that no longer serve me, and re-shaping the parts that do. I never thought I appreciated the arts until Adam showed me that everything is art if you take the time to see it through his eyes, and then all of a sudden, you recognize the beauty and poetry of a simple moment in a whole new light. Francois has taught me the value of hard work, consistency and doing things properly and right. Of not stopping even when the road is completely uncertain, and of creating the best possible results by using the tools at hand. Fidelis brought me into my most vigilantly protected vulnerabilities, those areas of myself that I had walled off and sealed up for good, declaring them as ‘too painful to visit’, and with his unwavering stability of Who He Is, he stood as that point I could trust as I opened up those parts of me and walked through them – it’s been the most difficult thing I have done, but on the other side I can look back and see how much more of myself was also inadvertently locked away with those parts of me that I believed would break me if I looked at them. Too much of myself was busy protecting something that was in fact sucking the life out of me. Now I get to explore how to breathe Life back into them. 
And all of these people – ALL. Of. Them - have also showed me their own struggles, have been open about their difficulties, have walked equally through their own rough patches, their own breakdowns and falls. And then I watch again as they build themselves back up, stand back up now a little stronger than before. 

And all of this takes place within an environment of stability and absolute support, of enjoyment, of working together through big and small decisions and challenges, showing me how each part has a voice and can be considered equally. They honoured my value before I did, and it took me by surprise at first, it took me time to become comfortable with and sink into. But now I see it, and am starting to live it. 
And I can say with certainty that there is no other place on earth like this -except it’s no just a location, it’s a doing and a living and a being. And this is what I want for this world, this is my Why, these are but a sampling of the gifts I have received that I will spend my life figuring out how to share with others. So, thank you farmies, I know I got a little mushy there, but it must be shared, it’s very much the ‘unseen’ process support that this world direly needs (and I haven’t even touched on the animals or the kids!).

Thursday, January 10, 2019

The Living Word: 'Routine'

I have recently been working with the word 'routine'. It is a word I've judged as boring, mundane, lifeless, robotic and underwhelming due having lived most of my life within routines that I did not enjoy, and having them imposed upon me. Breaking free from the routine was like finally living, getting to the fun part of Life.

Due to this past history and the baggage the word was carrying with it in my mind I have struggled with implementing any kind of routine into my life. But when I opened the word up and found the solution for myself, I realized that a routine is necessary for the cumulative effect: that process of accumulating small steps to reach or attain big goals - and this is actually necessary for any and all goals of any and all sizes!

A routine is a path, or a 'route' towards any goal, and the process one must walk is the moment-to-moment, the small stuff, the teeny tiny little movements and decisions that come together to produce actions as a step-by-step process of learning, growing, trial and error, and then eventually moving those proverbial 'mountains'.

When I started looking at redefining my own Living Definition the Word 'Routine', what I saw that worked best for me was to clarify my goal for myself, because a 'routine' is a cumulative process, so it's important to be clear with oneself in terms of what one is accumulating towards ,and what will the end result be! And then I will 'let it go', so to speak, where 'the END GOAL' no longer becomes the focus of my daily participation.

What I focus on daily is breaking the goal down to the smallest possible steps, the teeny steps (routTINE/teeny), so the the route I am taking is seen not as that loooong and arduous struggle, but more like simple daily steps that I can celebrate!

ROUTINE: The Route of Teeny Steps.

How and where I am applying this in my life currently, is towards the goal of physical health and fitness, something I have been struggling with keeping consistent with. I started a routine of drinking water in the morning for three consecutive days. Once accomplished, I added a healthy breakfast for three days, and then 8 minutes of light exercise (with the help of an app for reminders and structure!). I kept the steps 'teeny'. Tiny goals that I can integrate over time until they become routine, and then I can add, grow, expand upon them. But for now, I focus on the task at hand, the daily route, the tiny steps it takes to walk a process, no rush, no pressure, no time, just Here in the moments of my Life, taking steps to honour me!

Friday, December 28, 2018

Birthing Ideas from A Starting Point of Energy

I sometimes have moments in my life where I am flooded with new ideas, what seem to be very good ideas, and when I play them out in my mind I can see so much potential. In my fantasies and imagination, I can even play out best-case scenario successes and I end up getting quite excited about it, especially if the first idea I put into action turns out well.
What I find is that in this excitement energy, I just want to fully indulge myself in creating the ideas and ‘getting them out there’, which all seems fine and good, so what is the problem? The problem is that anything that is created from a starting point of energy, rather than a grounded, clear and practical approach, is bound to be met with unforeseen and unnecessary consequences in the process along the way, in the final result, in how the time and effort required to realize the idea fits in to the rest of my life, or how the idea plays out over time in the long-term.

For me, my idea was making a certain style of video that would effectively market a product, as well as get a message out into the public realm in a way that is interesting and engaging. The first video I made went well and almost ‘fell into place’ easily, it was a lot of work, but things seemed to work out smoothly. This got me quite excited and I now wanted to make many similar videos all at once, and just pump them out and get them out there. 

So within this energy, I started to make a second video. Only now, I knew within myself that I had other tasks that I had originally planned for, that needed to get done first, tasks that I was now putting aside in order ride the energy wave of excitement and pump out another awesome video. This means that, in not looking at and directing myself within my practical, current, physical reality, and instead functioning from my mind-reality, I had now decided to prioritize this new idea over and above my other tasks and responsibilities that I had previously committed to myself to do. Yes, I could do it all, but only if I could do it quickly…

This is where I started to see the consequence of ‘a starting point of energy’ playing a role. Now with the knowing that I am putting off things I should be doing, that I had planned to do, that needed to get done in order to properly set up the current, present projects that were moving in my life in the HERE and NOW, I had created a time-crunch, pressure, rush, and lack. 

So, when it came to spending time on certain time-consuming elements in the second video, I  ended up making choices that were less-then my best just to get through the point and get to the end result faster. There were certain new learning curves I faced, and instead of taking the time to walk through and process the new skill, I found ways around it and used techniques that were ‘good enough’, even leaving some things as they were simply to avoid the time required to fix them. 

So in walking a creation process from a starting point of energy, I saw that I was willing to accept and allow myself to create something that is less-than my best, which is in turn accepting and allowing limitation and preventing me from self-expansion through avoiding learning and not investing the adequate time into birthing my idea properly, fully, to my utmost potential wherein I discover what my utmost potential actually is in this moment, and then see if I can expand it some more.

The second consequence of putting an idea into action from a starting point of energy, is in how I experienced making the first video compared to the second one. The first video felt like things were just falling into place, going so smoothly and well, because the time-factor was not even an issue and so the learning process was fun and felt easy and the end results that one that I was pleased with. The excitement I experienced was real because I knew I had done my best, invested myself fully and responsibly, and the end result was one I could stand by
The second video, however, felt like things were getting stuck, not working out, more difficult. I didn’t have TIME to learn the necessary skills to achieve my vision or follow through on suggestions that I knew were good. So, the end result was something that I knew was less-than my best, I knew within myself that I had taken shortcuts and participated in avoidance, ignoring the advice of others and instead chasing the experience of excitement and satisfaction, instead of living and creating that REAL excitement and satisfaction that comes from having really applied myself fully and actually done the best I could without expectation or conditions placed upon myself.

In this, the PROCESS of making the second video was unsustainable, even if the end result was pretty good or acceptable. If I were to work in this way on all projects, not only would I not effectively learn and expand, but I would also never really feel satisfied, and in constantly chasing experiences of satisfaction and excitement and never actually creating them for real, I would inevitably end up burning out and giving up, letting it all go and not wanting to do it at all.

Lastly, when I finally did get to the other things I had to do, I now experienced myself as unfocused, bored, and a tediousness coming in, because I was lacking the energy I had been participating in from before, and now it was like a withdrawal. 

So, all in all, in having participated in an idea from a starting point of energy in the mind, and not a grounded, practical, fact-based physical reality starting point, my overall experience of myself was now polarized into positive/negative, my output was limited and less-than my best, not only in the one video project, but in other areas as well, and I missed out on opportunities to learn. All is not lost, however, as I can now let go of the energy, schedule my time properly, and continue with making my videos in a more grounded and sustainable way.