Sunday, May 6, 2018

How Do You Know If You Have Changed?

How do you know if you have changed? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you taken a moment to look?

If you are someone that is pushing to change, how often have you taken a moment to ask: have I changed today? Have I pushed myself to expand, grow and evolve? Or have I let yet another day slip by in unawareness, with no self-evolution, no self-expansion, and no personal growth? For me, it has been a long while since I looked at this question.

But it came up as I was listening to ‘Stomach Flu: Consequence and Support’ (, which asked this very question, and so I took a moment to reflect. To my pleasant surprise, I could think of three moments in the past three days, including today, where I experienced a definitive change in myself and how I handled a situation within myself in a moment.

When I say “experienced a change”, it may sound like the change happened to me, and I was more like a passenger going along for the ride. This is not the case. What happened in each one of these moments is that I saw myself acting/reacting in a way that I did not like, that I saw was not best for me, that I saw was simply ‘the way I have always been’, and in that moment made a definitive decision to change.

In this quantum moment of looking I could see the consequence, the play out and the end result of who and how I would be creating myself if I were to go along with ‘the way I have always been’. And in that moment, I scripted out a change and lived it, creating a real time living moment where my ‘Who I Am’ was something completely new, being created in that moment, instead of repeating a past personality character as ‘the way I have always been’. In this way, creating a ‘new script’ for myself as the ideal version of me I would like to be and become.

The following will illustrate what I mean by ‘creating a new script’, where I, in awareness, step in and make a definitive decision to change in one moment, and where, in the moments that follow, I get to decide moment by moment who I am, I get to see parts of myself that are new to me, or express parts of myself that I always knew were there, but never had the courage to bring forth and live for real.

Moment of change #1: From awkward and suppressed to expressive and free

I was in the car with a bunch of people, and I started to feel anxious energy moving in. It started because I had felt rushed to get ready and feared the car had left without me, because all the people had left the house and met at the car and I wasn’t sure if they knew I was still coming with or not. In the car, I noticed that the people were being expressive, boisterous and jovial, while I was feeling slightly stressed and anxious due to feeling rushed and worried, and so I felt rigid, stiff and supressed.

I started thinking that I was like the party-pooper, the quiet one that would just sit there and not participate in the fun – a pattern I have lived out so many times. I felt that I would put a damper on the fun, and saw myself withdrawing within myself hoping nobody would notice me, kind of just wanting to disappear and wondering if I should have even come.

The seeing: I saw that if I continued like this, it would affect my entire day. I would start feeling alien and awkward around the other people, and want to dodge any attention or focus on myself.

The decision: I decided that I did not want to live out this pattern, and that I in fact had a choice. I decided that I would instead enjoy this day, look forward to it. I took the anxious energy and instead connected it to the events of the day that I was looking forward to, to the enjoyment I knew I could experience within interacting with these people, and to feeling comfortable and confident in my body and my ability to express myself equally. In this moment I transformed the ‘anxious energy’ into ‘excitement energy’. This all happened in less than a second, and in that moment where I saw how easily I could take myself back from this experience and change the energy, I dropped the energy all together and simply let myself be, the energy no longer had power over me and who I am, and Who I really am could step forward.

The new script: I immediately felt a shift in myself, like a weight had been lifted. In that moment, someone asked a question: “shall we stop for some snacks?” and instead of mumbling ‘no’ and that I was fine and needed nothing (because I wouldn’t want to put anybody out for my unworthy needs), I responded that YES! Of course we should do that! What a treat! Here are all the things I would like to pick up that I will enjoy today (insert all sorts of treats and yummy things here), and where would be the best place to stop?

And then I actually enjoyed picking things out in the store, seeing what the others purchased, sharing, munching and going about the day. The day was amazing, full of laughing, joking, talking, exploring and fun. I felt comfortable, at ease, and I enjoyed myself very, very much.

Moment of Change #2: From insecure and defensive to amused and open

I was walking in the field with two people, and we were chatting. Someone brought it to my attention that I was walking very fast, and a discussion ensued about my propensity to be rushed and do things in unawareness. This is a weakness of mine that I am currently working on, and that is still a point that I contend with daily. One of the people described this point out loud, plain, simple and direct, mentioning about how it is still very present in my life and living. I felt insecure with my weakness being exposed, and I felt defensive energy coming up where I wanted to deny or fight this statement.

The seeing: I saw that if I were to deny or fight the point, I would basically be arguing for my own limitation, because the reality is that I do want to correct this point, so why hide it or defend it? I saw that I would simply be lying to myself and causing the point to linger even longer because in ‘defending myself’ in this moment, I saw that what I would actually be doing would be defending the pattern. Not only that, but I would be creating friction with the people around me, placing walls between us and thus preventing any possible support to be given to me.

The decision: I decided that there is no need to hide or defend my weakness, and that I could stand even though I am not perfect, because I want to change and therefore I need to see myself for real. I decided that I would instead look at the statement objectively and embrace the fact that I have this idiosyncrasy that is actually quite funny. In that moment, again, I felt a shift, a weight dropped away and I felt light, loose and relaxed.

The new script: I burst out laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of this point of absentmindedness that I have been living out and admitted that I am having quite a difficult time with supporting myself to change this point. I mentioned some support that I had been given that I thought was practical, and the others then added to that support and helped me to clarify how I was looking at the point. The topic then changed and I was able to let go of the moment (remembering the tips and tricks they gave me) and move on to the next moment and topic of discussion seamlessly and naturally with no lingering feelings of insecurity or defensiveness like I would have done in the past.

Moment of Change #3: from weak and inferior to strong like a mountain

I was sitting in an EQAFE interview and the being was describing what happens within us when we create and participate within the ‘fear of authority’- how a lack of confidence and the emergence of insecurity and inferiority can overcome us in moments when we face someone the resonates authority and superiority. This happens because of how we view and judge our own character, highlighting our own weaknesses, living ‘weakness of character’ as ourselves as Who We Are.

As I was listening to the interview, I began to place myself, in my mind, in the position of confronting an authority and feeling weak, insecure and inferior. The energy began to manifest in me, reminding me of a time where I felt as stable as a mountain, but with weaknesses where, if I were to be hit in a weak spot, my entire mountain would crumble. Kind of like a chain only being as strong as it’s weakest link. I did not like this about myself and, at the time, I felt like there was no way to change it. In the interview, I began to feel physically uncomfortable, not wanting to listen or hear anymore, just wanting to get up and walk out.

The seeing: In this moment, where the insecure, weak and inferior energy started crawling in with my thoughts and remembrances, I realized I hadn’t checked in on this point in a while. I saw that I had the tendency to pick out all my weaknesses and totally disregard any strength. In doing this, I saw how I created a self-perception of a ‘weak character’ that can be knocked over easily, inferior and insecure when confronted. I saw how, when I participate in this way of thinking, I actually actively create it as myself in the present moment, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The decision: I decided to instead look at everything beneficial and self-strengthening I had done and am doing for and as myself since my last check in on this point. All of a sudden, I began to see so many things, so many decisions I had made that I had seen through to completion, so many times I placed myself in situations where I had to face an authority figure, and had stood up and voiced myself, so many moments of self-support that I had lived. It was like all these moments and remembrances began to come to me and collect inside of me like giant, solid pieces of myself that I was seeing for the first time, filling all the holes and gaps in the mountain I had seen myself as, strengthening it to the point where there were no longer any weak spots that could be targeted. In this moment, a confidence and stability began to easily replace the insecurity, weakness and inferiority I had been feeling moments before.

The new script: My experience of myself changed from uncomfortable and wanting to leave the room, to comfortable, confident and understanding. I was taken aback at how I had overlooked so many aspects of myself, not appreciated the things I had done for and as myself over the past years, and instead had only focused on my challenges and weaknesses. I was able to now focus on the information being shared as support for how to handle people that resonate authority and superiority.
 How they in fact are also stuck in these points and almost require to dominate over others in order to feel secure within themselves, which is a shame and can sometimes only be endured and tolerated by others until the individual walks the point back to an equality, within themselves and with others.

I have personally lived both ends of this polarity, but am now equipped with the understanding to simply see right through it as I practice my living stability as an equal member of the group called life.

In the end, as I was writing this I began to remember more moments of change, expansion and growth which came flooding into my mind from these past months and years. But the truth and reality is that it still isn’t nearly enough. I see that I could be so much more directive within it, making it a point and directed effort to continue to push daily moments of change. It takes no extra effort, in fact, it is more effortful to hold up and maintain past patterns and limitations – that takes energy, exertion, arguing, reacting, cycling. Rather live unbound, in the moment, courageously walking into the unknown with moment by moment change.

My road to change began here: Where will you begin yours?

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Day 248 - Changing the World with Earth Haven

This is what it looks like to change the world with the Earth Haven pilot project for sustainable living. It is not glamorous, there is no fanfare. It is dirty and it is hard work, literally moving the earth as we move rocks and soil. Quietly working day by day as we build from the ground up.
I am satisfied with my work here today - I have raked half of the gravel and my body is feeling it!

The project I am currently working on is the creation of an enclosed fruit tree forest. It is enclosed to protect it from being ravished by nature without using harmful chemicals.

We already have two more forests which are outdoors and available to all animals and insects. We planted those first because the animals and insects are in greater need, due to the destruction of their habitat and food-sources caused by farming for human consumption only.
We are in the process of rehabilitating this land to invite Life back into it, creating a space to show what the Living Environment can do when it is supported instead of exploited.
Today's work involved raking hundreds of pounds of gravel into piles to be removed and later replaced by the 'Back to Eden' planting method which we have already tested out elsewhere. Afterwards, fruit trees will be planted and maintained and, in addition to our other two forests, should provide more than enough fruit for the many people that will come to work, live, learn and grow.

Our current location is South Africa, where we are surrounded by informal settlements inhabited by people that cannot afford the basics, such as fresh fruit and a balanced diet. We intend to provide much more than that, and we are already on our way.

It feels really good to get out and be physical, especially knowing that what I am doing will assist and support so many people to come, and people that we will reach out to where they live.

After having worked in an office for years, I am loving the transition from staplers and file folders to steel rakes and wheelbarrows! I even took my first selfie with a rake, and got a blister on my hands from hours of raking, enjoying every moment of experiencing the feeling of the tools on my skin without gloves.

If you would like to co-create this project with us, visit

Monday, April 16, 2018

Day 247 - Redefining Nourishment

I was looking at the word ‘nourishment’ because it is a word which, when I hear it I get a tingly sensation in my body, like “YES!”, “DO THIS!”. I have seen that when I am cared for and supported by self and others, I tend to move and grow well, but when I am left stagnant, when I abandon myself and let myself drift along, I wither and my life falls into somewhat of a chaos. When I feel uncared for or abandoned by others, it highlights my own tendency to lack self-care and abandon myself.

Care, support and ‘nourishment’ from others is great and amazing, but it cannot be depended on such as a situation where we are constantly abandoning ourselves and depending on others to always come to our rescue, pick us up when we fall and be that support in time of need. We have to be able to do this for ourselves, where cultivating and nourishing relationships of support with others is a natural outflow of our own self-relationship of self-cultivation, self-nourishment and self-care.

To clarify, abandoning self would be letting little things slide in one’s life. Whether it be internal points that require attention, definition and direction (feeling and emotional points interfering in one’s life), external points such as daily maintenance (diet, exercise, hygiene, care for one’s belongings etc), consistency (in scheduled structure, stability or maintaining an orderly environment for example). I have noticed that when I abandon myself, I start letting these things go in some degree, where when all the small points accumulate, it feels like my life and world are falling into chaos and all the little points add up to what seems like an overwhelming amount of things that need tending to. 

This seems so overwhelming, simply because I hav abandoned myself inside myself, and therefor I feel I have nothing to hold onto for assistance and support – the assistance and support I am able to give myself during these times, but due to a fall into thoughts, perceptions, ideas and belief, I rather create an internal and external reality of lack of self-care and self-nourishment, and feel helpless and powerless to make a change.

Another clarification would be the distinction between self-care and self-nourishment. Self-care would be the daily maintenance: making sure I eat, keep my room and home orderly, keeping up with hair, nail, oral and body hygiene etc… whereas self-nourishment is more about what I eat (which I decide based on testing out different foods/supplements, seeing my body’s reaction to different things at different times, seeing what works, what I like, what supports me), how I set up my room to support my work/rest/recreation, what products I use for hygiene and why I chose them, and so forth. 

Even the acts of testing, research, trial and error are aspects of self-care that lead to proper self-nourishment when the best results are found and implemented.

What is interesting here is that I sometimes have resistance to both self-care and self-nourishment, due to the point of me not really fully caring about myself for real still coming up as a point for me in those moments of self-abandonment and retreat. It is when the self-judgments are triggered and emerge, ancient points of self-loathing and self-hate that I had created within myself over time based on self-perceptions and experiences that are long passed, yet planted seeds that took root and which I am still busy weeding from my self and living.

And so, if I continue with the garden analogy and think of myself as a plant, one that has a need for nourishment every day, and which can’t be left due to ‘not feeling like it’ or ‘not being in the mood’ without causing unnecessary consequences and set-backs to growth.

Looking at the word ‘Nourish’

I hear in it’s sound: New Rich

Within this, I see that every new day holds the possibility of abundance to be had, so long as one is willing and able to move self to take it or create it.

Every day is new, we do not have to be prisoners of our pasts.

Richness can be seen like a rich soil – an environment that provides everything necessary for growth. 

This, for me, means an environment where I have a proper diet and exercise, relationships of trust and support, a certain amount of structure and orderliness within which I can work, also fun and recreational activities, and then opportunities for challenges and learning as well. This, to me, is a rich environment, and all of these things are within my ability to cultivate, create and grow in my life.

I also see the potential for eternal expansion, where ‘new riches’ can and must be cultivated and discovered every day.

In conclusion, self-nourishment is the act of cultivating a rich environment within which I will grow best. I can begin implementing my solutions to the self-abandonment and the chaos that ensues by taking the simple steps or picking myself up and organizing my environment and life again after a fall, and to push myself to develop the consistency required to truly live the word ‘self-nourishment’.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Day 246 - Redefining Sharing

To Share:
have a portion of (something) with another or others.
give a portion of (something) to another or others.
use, occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others.
possess (a view or quality) in common with others.
tell someone about (something, especially something personal).

How have I lived sharing in my life really? HONESTLY? 

When I have shared a portion of something with another I would get a good feeling, because I thought the person would like me more, or I did it from a ‘saviour’ perspective where the other didn’t have something I had and so I would share as if I were saving or helping them from a position of superiority. When I would be shared with, where someone else is sharing something with me, I would generally go into a position of inferiority and unworthiness, feeling like a beggar with outstretched hands, and mostly my pride would interfere here and I would simply rather do without.

Or, I would share because it was the ‘right thing to do’, because good etiquette and manners required me to do so. In this case ‘greed’ and ‘lack’ would come in to play, where I would give something begrudgingly with the feeling that now I would have less, and would want it all to myself, but I would also feel good because I was being a good person and following the rules. If I were in a situation with another where the rules called for them to share with me, I would be comfortable. But if they rather chose not to share, I would feel spiteful because I am a rule-follower and they are now breaking those rules to my detriment, in which case I would feel righteous and now be superior for that, yet inferior because of the powerlessness I would feel when someone is breaking the rules and I am not speaking up for myself and bringing it up with them. I would rather supress my emotions and keep quiet.

When I would “use, occupy or enjoy jointly with others” I generally wouldn’t consider that sharing, because I wasn’t losing something or giving something away, and I wasn’t feeling superior or inferior, I would be simply equally enjoying something. So I see here I have limited my definition of ‘sharing’ with these ideas or emotions.

For this aspect of the definition: “possess (a view or quality) in common with other,” – I see that this would be falling into a pack mentality, where I would adopt a view in order to fit in, to identify with a certain group, to define myself as this or that, style, genre, political position etc…

The last aspect of ‘sharing is: “to tell someone about (something, especially something personal).” 

Here I see that even this dimension of the word I have tainted with ego and self-interest, where I would share aspects of my personal self as a form of gossip, like having some juicy tidbit of information that others will want to hear, where I will get attention and feel special and important for a moment as I tell it and get the questions and reactions from others, making me and my life some center of some attention somewhere, which I would then use to feel important and special. I can also see a dimension of sharing myself in an attempt to gain validation, confirmation or approval about some part of me that I had not yet completely accepted and embraced.

So, there I am exposed in my living of the word ‘sharing’, where the starting point is selfishness, greed, fear of loss, superiority/inferiority and lack. This, to me, as simply the ‘way that I am’ is unacceptable. I can see that when or if billions of people live this out on a large scale, it does not make the world a better place, but rather infuses reality and human interaction with separation and division as each one holds tight to their possessions, conflict as the ‘have-nots’ versus the ‘haves’, and superiority/inferiority as we use our possessions, whether they be tangible or intangible, as a way to place ourselves above or below others. And then we bring these ways into our most intimate relationships and pollute them behind the fa├žade of consciousness (consciousness meaning: the acts we play, the face we present, the ulterior motives, the thoughts, feelings and emotions behind our actions) where all of this seems acceptable because everybody is actually doing the same thing.

There is however, a solution to all of this, and it is a simple one. It is the simple principle of sharing from the starting point of ‘give as you would like to receive’. This includes not only the tangible items we are able to share, but the feelings and emotions that go with it. To share with someone to gain attention or because it makes you feel superior is not in fact equal and one sharing. Equal and one sharing meaning seeing the other AS you, really placing yourself in their shoes and giving to them as if it were giving to yourself.

With that understanding in place, I would like to now focus on sharing self, or self-sharing. Here looking at: what do I have to give, and what do I have to receive from others? I can specify this even further by looking at what I have to give to and receive from myself? I must say that I have experienced sharing with myself more so within and through walking the desteni process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-change than I ever had before when I was living my life ‘normally’, as in, according to my programming, environment and culture, etc. Now, in walking this process, I am creating my own new programming according to what is best for me, I am learning and growing within my environment, challenging limitations both real and perceived, and am thinking critically about my culture and how it has shaped and influenced me. Within this all, I have done a lot of learning, seeing, realizing and understanding about myself, my life and what it means to be human, as well as what it really means to be a human that cares about self and others.

What I would like to share more with and about myself is who I am beyond the mind of judgments and insecurities, thoughts, feelings and emotions. To do less sharing of my mind, and more quieting of my mind, revealing this deep inner ‘knowing’ I have experienced within myself, which is and has been developing from a self-trust and self-communication over the years and more prominently now since I have been living on the desteni farm. Also within the sharing I am interested in further developing is the constructive sharing of myself and what it is I am going through. This involves speaking from a point of stability, maturity and being solution oriented instead of ranting and raving about issues in an attempt to actually feed the emotion and re-generate an experience from a starting point of adrenaline, righteousness and argumenting/fighting (this is where we have conversations and arguments in our minds, picturing and imagining others with whom we are argumenting/fighting/proving our point/justifying our side and being right). To rather speak the point, see and understand the reaction and release it through realization and change.

Another dimension of sharing I will be looking at is speaking what I see without fear. I have for so long suppressed myself out of fear of conflict or upsetting others, that I hide my seeing/self-seeing and observations from others and even sometimes from myself. But I see, realize and understand that these things must be spoken and shared, even if they are wrong or cause conflict, to be vulnerable and put it out there to clarify it, or to work through the conflict.

Oftentimes, when I am about to share, I will get an energetic feeling right before. One the one hand, I can feel a sense of excitement, as if I am about to gain something. This is usually indicative that I am about to share from a starting point of self-interest. Then there are the times where I am about to share and I feel a wash of fear pour over me. In these moments, I tend to push myself to share, because the fear is usually indicative that I fear to create conflict or be exceptionally vulnerable about something within sharing my real truth, or some truth of me that I judge and am not proud of. In these moments, when I share I usually create clarity. It is alxo common that when I share parts of myself in these moments, those parts seemed really big, bad and ugly, but once shared, they shrink down and become manageable, or I can see them more clearly and then direct that part of myself.

Before sharing myself, there is this infinite moment where I can look at and explore Who I Am within my sharing. What is my starting point, and what I will create as a result of the sharing. I endeavor to share me, my truth, the reality of me that exists in my mind – to expose that of me that I perceive that I would prefer to hide, so that nothing of me is hidden, and the decision to share or not share comes from the starting point of what is best for all as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself with others and with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing those parts of me that are my REAL TRUTH.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to share my REAL TRUTH as those parts of me that I am ashamed of or judge and thus want to hide as I feel that if I share them, others will judge me and see me as shameful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to create clarity and shine a light onto parts of myself I would prefer not to see, or would prefer others not to see, preferring instead vagueness and a lack of clarity which gives me more room to be manipulative and deceptive with myself and others about who and how I actually am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear what others will think about the person that I am and have become, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at and really seeing the person I am and have become, without realizing that if I do not look, I cannot change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable about myself and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in victimization when and as I share parts of myself that I feel vulnerable about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am victimized and weakened by myself, my life and my life-experience, instead of standing up and taking self-responsibility for every aspect of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share from a starting point of having others save me and make me feel better.make it go away within the thought, perception, idea or belief that what others think/feel/say to me or about me is my truth and reality, within this, giving others the power and responsibility to 'make me right' again and tell me everything is okay, instead of standing up within and as Self-Responsibility, and using my moments, my experiences and my findings to strengthen me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others within the thought/perception/idea/belief that the judgment of others is what determines Who and How I am or will be. instead of ME determining Who/How I am/will be from now on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing Who I Am or what i see due to fear of creating conflict, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that both internal and external conflict, when directed within principle, can bring about clarity and change.

When and as I see that I am not sharing something out of fear, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to standing and self-responsibility by reminding myself that only I can and will determine me, and that my sharing is a step towards clarity, stability and change within myself.