Day 188- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point (pt 2)

This blog is continued from yesterday's blog :

Day 187- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point

These corrective statements are based on an incident which happened at work. Having OCD as an overarching tendency or disorder which affects my behaviour and ability to function has made it difficult to remain at a job, and to remain consistent within my employment. I have been pushing myself to remain at my current job as a way to expose, investigate and push through this point, and also because I can't continue to switch from job-to-job my entire life.

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Within OCD, I create a burden which bogs me down, instead of being able to take clear, practical steps. I can see and I realize that when one learns a job they go through an awkward learning period in the beginning, when everything is new, and then as one learns, one become better at and more efficient within the job. This would include a building, strengthening and constant improvement of one's skills due to the daily practice and application of them.

For me, having OCD, this process is hindered. I follow this pattern to an extent, but then at some point along the way I begin to sabotage myself. I begin to doubt myself and I begin to fall into the mind and the OCD entity that creates and manifests and overwhelmingness within my job/work, no matter what the job/work consists of.

I had thought for a long time that I just can't handle this or that job. But after a while, when the same pattern presents within all the jobs I've had, it comes to a point where it is too obvious to ignore the fact that: the problem is myself.

Herein I am continuing to reveal and expose the 'what', 'why', and 'how' I create problems for myself within the work that I do. This pattern emerged in school as well, wherein I wrote a series about becoming an effective student (Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student), within which I felt as though I was in a battle with the OCD entity.  This manifestation affects my life in everything I do and participate in, and is thus multidimensional and multifaceted. I am determined to look at and understand how it is that I utilize this manifestation to keep me enslaved to the mind and to the disorder, because only when something is understood, can it be changed in ways that actually work, and are actually effective.

I am using the self-forgiveness statements from my last blog to script out the correction for/as myself, to practice and perfect from here on out.

 

"I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to do everything and be aware of every detail of every case or situation or else a problem might arise that will reflect poorly on me, within the thought/idea/perception/belief that only I can do it right and do it properly, instead of realizing I am part of an entire team, within which each member has his/her own strengths and weaknesses, including myself”

When and as I see myself looking into a case in too much detail, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement within the understanding and realization that I am focusing on all the details in a try/attempt to avoid/get out of taking the next step, because I fear making the wrong decision, or I project it will turn out badly.  I direct myself to identify the next step, take a moment to check if I am adequately prepared, and then moving myself to take the next step and move forward within the case.

When and as I see that I am going into the OCD entity as I check to see if I am prepared to take the next steps, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that being adequately prepared will not, in my case, be accompanied by a ‘feeling’ or internal experience of prepared-ness, but will rather be contingent on the use of common sense, taking into consideration the situation taking place within the case.

 I commit myself to practice taking steps forward without the feeling or internal experience of prepared-ness’, and instead move forward based on a reality-analysis of the situation.

I commit myself to give myself a moment to come out of my mind of feelings/emotions/experiences, in order to be able to analyze a situation based on the actual reality of the situation, instead of how I feel about the situation, wherein, in the mind, any horrible outcome is possible, but in reality, I will probably be able to direct the situation to an outcome that satisfies the needs of all parties involved.

When and as I see that I am accessing the OCD entity within/as myself when I am placed in a position of analyzing a situation and deciding how to proceed, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-support within the realization and understanding that I am merely sabotaging myself and my ability to do the job when I overwhelm myself by thinking of and fearing every way the situation can go wrong, seeing every detail as a potential time-bomb. I realize I have resources and am set up to work as part of a team that does have the ability to assist in every case, to the safety and wellbeing of everyone involved.

I commit myself to practice and develop the self-trust that I am and will be as I stop basing decisions on mind realities, which seek for comfort and security and how I ‘feel,’ and start basing decisions on real-time, actual physical reality, and the practical outcomes that are and can be achieved.

I commit myself to learning every detail of myself and my own mind, thus  deactivating and disengaging the potential time bombs  existent within me as suppressed wants/needs/desires/dishonesties/secret backchat and internal conversations/fears/etc…, so that I will no fear the details and potential time bombs in my external reality, because I see, realize and understand that that fear was only ever about fearing my own secret mind of past memories/circumstances being exposed.

When and as I see myself fearing my work reflecting poorly on me, I stop, and I breathe.  I bring myself back to self-trust within the seeing, realizing and understanding that I am only fearing facing/exposing moments in my life and work where I secretly cut corners, took the easy way out, slacked off, or participated in my life/work  while not fully present and aware.

I commit myself to be and become fully present and aware within the work that I do, and to do it the best I can, to the fullest extent of my ability.

I commit myself to push myself within learning how to analyze real-time situations in practical ways based on a skeleton structure of steps and not upon how I feel, or how those I am working with feel. I see, realize and understand that practical solutions with an outcome that is best for all will always be more efficient and effective than emotion-based solutions which seek to appease the ego.

I commit myself to clearly define tasks and see them through in the best way I am able, not cutting corners or taking the easy way out, but instead supporting myself to use each breath as effectively as I can.

To be continued...

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Day 187- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point

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I broke down at work because it all seemed to be too much. This indicates to me that I have let a point go for too long, wherein I have now demanded of myself to look at the point. I have known about myself and my tendencies within my work/job that have prevented me from progressing, improving and learning, but I have always let it slide, or left the job before figuring out practical solutions for myself, as myself. 

I am both the problem and the solution to my difficulties at work. Self-change in a directed, practical way will change the way I experience myself at my job. I enjoy the work I do, but a familiar patterns has presented. Normally this pattern would have emerged much sooner, and my way of dealing with it up till now has been to believe within myself "I can't do this job, I can't handle it, it's just not my nature"  and quit. Although I do leave room for the possibility that a job may not suit one's nature or being-ness, I would first like to investigate this point before I make any decisions. 

I see this pattern relating to OCD, as the way I would approach problems would be to break it down to the most minute details and obsess over each little one. Although this tactic may work in some circumstances, a balance is usually required in order to see the bigger patterns and the bigger picture as well, in order to determine which details do not require so much attention, and what is already working and does not require to be looked at at all. When I do not allow for this balance, I become increasingly burdened and overwhelmed. I have quit many jobs within the belief that 'it's all too much', however I never took the time to be the solution to the problems I myself cause. I am ready to take responsibility for this point, because I cannot continue to jump from job to job. It would be to my detriment at this point, to not face and direct this point.

I will take responsibility for this point by forgiving that which I have accepted and allowed within myself thus far. Within forgiveness, truths are exposed that would normally be suppressed. Learning the truth of self empowers self to make actual beneficial changes within oneself, instead of blindly repeating the same patterns and habits which get us nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to take onto much at work, more than I am capable of at the moment, due to my obsessive nature in trying to do it all and get it all done quicker, faster and better that I am able to, within the belief that obsessing over every detail will somehow make it happen, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not only not doing it quicker, faster and better, but I am also, within OCD, making myself less efficient, creating more difficulties, and doing a worse job when I trust OCD instead of common sense and its practical application.

When and as I see that I am in the constant state of ‘keeping up’ at work, not focusing on my breath, but rather experiencing myself as digging myself out from under a pile of tasks, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to breath by reminding myself that I can only do as much as I can in one breath, and that what I can control are my priorities. I direct myself to take a moment to prioritize my tasks, not based on who is screaming the loudest, but rather based on what makes the most sense, within and as common sense, thus utilizing each breath in the most effective way I am able.

I commit myself to give myself the time and the moments to take a step back from my work and to figure out, using my common sense and reasoning ability, which tasks should be taken care of first, based on need, situation, and time zone, and not upon emotional reactions.

I commit myself to breathe through the emotional reactions I experience based upon the way I am spoken to, wherein I fear the unknown and suppressed parts of myself will be revealed and catch me off guard. Within this I see that the obsessive compulsive tendencies that make up the disorder, distract me from the unknown parts of myself that I'd rather not look at, allowing those parts/tendencies/habits to fester, proliferate and manifest for real in my life in the form of consequences, which I then react to within OCD rituals which I use to cope with the consequences and how they make me feel, instead of having taking measures to prevent the consequences from happening in the first place..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to do everything and be aware of every detail of every case or situation or else a problem might arise that will reflect poorly on me, within the thought/idea/perception/belief that only I can do it right and do it properly, instead of realizing I am part of an entire team, within which each member has his/her own strengths and weaknesses, including myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus too much upon my strengths, exalting myself within the belief that  only I can do it right/properly/best, instead of working as part of a team, all the while, knowing within myself that I too have weaknesses which, if left unchecked, will come out and create a problem that will reflect poorly on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing my own weaknesses by focusing upon the weaknesses of others, and by focusing on correcting the mistakes of others without fully focusing on and becoming aware of the mistakes I can prevent, which are the mistakes I make, and the weaknesses I accept and allow to continue when left un-investigated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others avoiding themselves and their own weaknesses by focusing on and concentrating on my mistakes and weaknesses, a fear which I accept and allow by not looking at myself in self-honesty and actually changing/enhancing myself in the ways I require to be changed/enhanced in order to utilize every moment of breath to its fullest potential. But instead I would look to the mistakes and weaknesses of others, and then fear they would do the same to me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be humble as an equal, with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly try to be better-than as an experience only, by using thoughts/projections/ideas/beliefs instead of actually enhancing myself and the work that I do. I see, realize and understand that this habit/pattern/tendency leaves me open and sets me up for experiencing myself as less-than and actually brings forth my weaknesses as manifest consequences because I am not actually dealing with or directing them, but instead supressing and avoiding them and only focusing on my experience of myself as thoughts/fantasies/imaginations/projections/ideas/beliefs, trying to manipulate my own internal experience based on nothing real, no actual actions, just mind engagement only.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see a blurr of innumerable tiny details within the desire to compulsively obsess over each one, instead of taking a step back and a moment to see the bigger picture, thus allowing myself to prioritize my cases/tasks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into an imagined future within my tasks/cases, that each outcome is doomed and will not work out, or will turn out  in the worst possible way due to the fear that I have missed a tiny detail along the way, instead of realizing that I will not accept or allow this to happen, and I know full well that I have the resources and a team to figure out even the most doomed scenarios, and to correct the situation if I did in fact miss a detail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burden myself with thoughts and projections that my actions are in vain, that I am not good enough or that I can’t do the job, or that I can’t do it as well as others, thus weighing myself down by judging each action, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I have always kept up, that I am fully capable and only have differing strengths and weaknesses from my peers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself and the work I am able to do, by judging my every action as good or bad, thus bringing in an entire system of morality and exaltation that has no place within the work that I do. The determining factors have only to do with prioritizing, learning how to do the task, and then seeing the task through to completion.

I commit myself to take the time to pin point and change my weaknesses, and to pinpoint and enhance my strengths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that I can act in the moment or figure out the basics of a case, wherein I would obsess over learning every detail and spend too much time learning facts which may or may not be needed, instead of using methods to obtain time, only if  and when necessary, to figure out what’s going on within a case, thus taking directive of the case and of myself within giving myself the moment to determine how I am best able to handle the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project being caught off guard, and caught not knowing something, and then to fear this projection, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my actions upon the fear of my own projection by falling into obsessive tendencies of over analyzing and over compensating instead of trusting that I can and will direct the situation as it happens by utilizing my resources and my team if/wen I cannot figure something out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that asking for assistance is a weakness, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that it is in fact a strength because it demonstrates a knowing and understanding of one’s own capabilities.

To be continued....

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Day 186- OCD: Vicious Cycles to Practical Solutions 2

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I forgive myself for  not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that  the strength I feel  that comes in cycles is not necessarily something I actually directed myself to, but rather simply the upside of a cycle within which I would have experienced the down  side of the ‘low’ just before, with the rise being mostly only an inevitability for one that has not given up completely, thus making the disorder at times bearable enough to not have to really face changing or stopping for real.  ( Day 184- OCD: The False Victories)

When and as I see myself going into a positive energetic self-relationship as a result of the polarity opposite of having experienced a down or low, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-stability by breathing through and letting go of the experience, and settling into my physical body by adjusting myself to ensure I am supporting myself physically. I breathe until the reaction is gone, and move myself from the point of no reaction, only myself moving based on sound decision.

 I commit myself to pull myself down out of highs as self-support to prevent the consequence of the inevitable low that is the polarity opposite of the high, a polarity within which I cannot participate with/as the experience of one without the other, thus creating and perpetuating a vicious cycle of OCD.

I commit myself to remain self-honest when and as I see that I am having experiences within my process with CD, so as not to fool myself that any progress is going to come on its own. Self-growth, self-stability, the building of resolve, the strengthening of self-will, self-discipline, self-mastery, and all and every quality I strive for, will only ever be developed as a result of my direct and focused participation. None of these things work themselves out or simply ‘occur’ as a matter of chance or mere intention. If I feel strength, I will know right away whether that strength is who I am as a living word because I will be aware of exactly how I became that. If there is uncertainty regarding how the experience came about, then I know it can’t be trusted and will always be questionable.

I commit myself to face changing and stopping for real.

This blog is continued from:
Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4

 Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD 

Day 185- Dermatillomania: Vicious Cycles to Practical Solutions 1

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