Thursday, November 12, 2015

Day 202- What Your Excuses are Telling You

I recently sat in on an Eqafe interview and an interesting thing happened. I wasn’t feeling tired before the interview began, but as I was listening I had to fight to stay awake. At one point I was even dreaming with my eyes open. What this indicates is that I was hearing information that my mind did NOT want to hear or accept, like a self-preservation/defense mechanism. Which is interesting because that was the topic of the interview.

The interview was discussing the tendency we have to justify, excuse or limit ourselves to remain a certain way or in a certain personality or habit. For example, I had been facing the point of being shy in a group. I always accepted this as a part of me or of my personality that was unchangeable, and I would  justify remaining this way by telling myself that certain experiences I had had in my life had formed me and now this is how I am. The memories of being bullied or embarrassed in front of a group would come back to haunt me and create a fear or resistance, so in the same or similar situations I would withdraw within myself and want to become invisible, trying to avoid having this memory replay.

So what is happening here is that the mind is using memories to defend this original self-definition or belief, in order to keep up the ‘shyness’ personality and all the reactions that go with that. This is instead of the common sense approach of the person having an experience, learning from it and changing through letting it go and trying something new.

In this, we can see that nothing of us is set in stone, everything is changeable, and we can learn, grow and evolve. But we use excuses based on past memories to justify why we can’t change, and how impossible it is to grow, learn and evolve. This is an important realization, because next time I see myself saying: “I’m this way because…..” or “I can’t do that because…”, I know these are red flags showing me that I am at a moment of opportunity, where I can simply bypass the justifications and excuses, and walk into a new situation with a ‘blank slate’, to really experience what I am in fact capable of.
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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Day 200 - The Valentine's Day Revelation

Valentine’s Day

Why do we desire Valentine’s day to be a special and romantic day? Why is it expected of the man to bring gifts to the woman in order to make her feel special or loved?  In today’s world it seems it is simply expected for something special to happen on this day. But is it possible to look into this desire for an emotional experience on this day, and trace it back to a source, where it started, why it started, and how advertisers play on this desire in order to catch us in a wave of purchasing in order to satisfy an emotional or feeling need we don’t necessarily understand?

When I look back at some of my earliest memories of Valentine’s day, there is one in particular that stands out, and when I play back the memory in my mind, and I re-experience how it made me feel, I can see there it is distinctly connected to the need or desire to be made to feel special on Valentine’s day, and still yearning for this experience nearly 25 years later.

I was about 9 years old and I was in class on Valentine’s Day. I noticed some students were receiving many fancy cards and there was laughter and commotion all around them. I had been sitting alone, with few cards and no activity around me. It suddenly felt as though I was part of a movie set where the spotlight was shining on the other students and I was not even in the scene. I felt invisible, forgettable, ignored.

Had it not been for this play-out, I would have been fine, and it would have been another normal day. But instead, I had reacted, and I had made a judgment about myself, one which was reinforced many times over many Valentine’s Days and similar events, and one which was unnecessary. This judgment would limit and diminish me in so many little, seemingly insignificant ways  as I became a teenager and then a young woman, as if my relationship with myself had been somehow poisoned and made slightly toxic.

The proof that the judgment remained lies in the fact that when I finally had someone to spend Valentine’s Day with, I now desired to be in the spotlight, to get the attention and to be made to feel special. I needed to prove to myself that my judgment was wrong: that I was not in fact invisible, forgettable and ignored. But I was using others and outside influences to now make me feel right again within myself.

So what’s the moral of this story? It’s the importance of learning how to take self-responsivity for one’s own reactions and to direct them as they happen, instead of accepting and allowing moments of reaction to define oneself as more or less than one really is. Self-acceptance means accepting myself as I am, Complete and unconditional self-acceptance allows for the greatest self-expansion. The indicators of where in your life you are holding onto an unresolved moment are the seemingly unexplainable secret wishes and desires for people in your world, events and play-outs, to make you feel something inside of you that is different than how you currently feel.

It’s considered normal and even expected for couples to make Valentine’s Day special for each other. Why not let this day be an expression of gratefulness for each other, where there is no manipulation of feelings and emotions to fill past voids or the desire for proof – these are the types of seemingly innocent and normal things that poison the relationship between two people, because it is impossible to fulfill this in another person.

How we feel within ourselves is our responsibility, and with that responsibility comes great power- the power to change yourself and become something more than you ever could have imagined. Don’t let the consumer machine capitalize on our vulnerability. Empower yourself and be your own self-fulfillment. Check out this free online course, where you’ll learn how to take responsibility in moments of reaction, to let go of self-judgment, and walk in the moment with presence and awareness, instead of living in the limiting grips of the past. It’s free, there is no charge, it’s about empowering people, no strings. I learned the material and still apply it every day, it’s worth investing your time in, click HERE to find out for yourself!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (3)

I have writen these these self-committment statements to support myself to change how I learn. Learning has been a hostile and laborious process for me throughout school, which seeped over into my working life. I have been using the process of writing to de-program this perception I have held regarding learning and the learning process, and am re-scripting through words the way in which I would prefer myself to experience this process.This is related to OCD because I am dismantling trigger points that cause me to go into the disorder. One of these trigger points is being confronted/presented with a new concept I do not immediately understand. I am looking into why this triggers OCD within me, and have discovered so far that the learning process overwhelms me. I need to look into this further to figure out why and how this is, how I created this in the first place, and how I have morphed it over time into something completely different that the initial experience/memories.

 I am using my own self-realizations which I derive from writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application statements in these blogs: Day 196- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD  and Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2), The following is based on this self-forgiveness, although more points opened up as I was writing, and I included them in the current self-corrective applications.


“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration, confusion and self-judgment.”

When and as I see that I am ‘shutting down’ within myself as a form of self-defeat when/as I am confronted/presented with a new concept which I do not initially understand, I stop, and I breathe. I direct myself to take a step back and stop my participation within/as these reactions in order that I may clear my mind and starting point, and to look at the concept with ‘fresh eyes’, meaning, from a changed starting point; from “I just don’t get it”, to “how does this actually work/how can this make sense” understanding that, within asking myself questions and looking at the concept for answers, I am essentially teaching myself the concept.

Wen and as I react within fear and self-judgment due to being confronted/presented with a new concept that I do not initially understand, and one which I can’t figure out on my own, I direct myself to utilize an resources available to me, such as documents, the internet, or individuals in my environment. I remind myself to remain present and to open my ears and my eyes to see and hear what is being explained to me, so that I don’t distract myself with thoughts/worries/beliefs/emotions that I might get it wrong or that I am being judged for not immediately knowing/understanding the concept. I see/realize/understand that this is my very own self-judgment that I am projecting on to others/my environment, causing me to feel like ‘shutting down’, when I can simply change my perception to create a learning environment that is open, accepting, supportive and enjoyable.
More to come...

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2)

I am going to share an excerpt from my last chat with Bernard Poolman, within which I asked for insight on how I can assist and support myself within walking through and out of the point of OCD. The following structure was provided:

"Memories, for instance could be a series of memories that started at a point and then mutated through the imagination into an other-worldly memory and eventually into a memory that facilitate a feeling or a presence, which then transfers into for instance an action like skin-picking. Here you can for instance, walk it backwards - when a point of OCD occur, then you look at the feeling, dissect it, then you look at the pattern of the feeling, then look at the memories related to it, which are the circumstantial activation points. A Memory will be a reflection within your environment that cause a repeating pattern. Then look at how you have, through repeated views of the memories as thoughts, as thinking about it, as feeling about it - mutated it. Then, search for the original memory, the event, which started it all and then compare the original memory with the memory as it now exist to realise how you have changed it to support the particular repeating paranoia."

I utilized these points to write this blog: Day 196- Tracing the SourcePatterns of OCD.  It is from this blog that I am continuing to investigate how past memories have come back to haunt me – so to speak- because I have used them to create an alternate or other-worldly reality/experience of myself that is not actually completely aligned with the reality that I actually live as myself. The following excerpt comes from my previous blog, which I suggest be read for context. These are the words I will be working with to begin my self-forgiveness:

“I was not able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have. Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration,confusion and self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look inwards, to direct my attention internally, desperately and frantically searching for knowledge and information pre-existent within myself as a means to comprehend or understand a concept that I am not familiar with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the answer is not in my mind, my programming or my understanding, at least not yet, it is in the physical and thus it takes physical time and patience for the process of learning and integration through common sense and a step-by-step process of practice and understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to confusion within/as fear and avoidance, within/as self-defeat expressed as “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “I just don’t get it” to exist within and as me as a form of giving up and shutting down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the energetic experience of fear and panic to the thought “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision within and as myself, that when I don’t ‘get’ something, I will never get it, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior to the knowledge and information, and inferior to those who do get it faster than/before myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less-than and inferior during the learning process, which causes me to fear and avoid the learning process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and avoid the learning process due to my own accepted and allowed self-judgment regarding who and how I am within learning.

To be continued…

Sunday, September 29, 2013

198 - Gossip Girl vs Self-Supportive Communicator

My life has changed rather drastically over the past few months, and all the change has unearthed some subconscious and underlying fears that I have been living with for quite some time. A point came up recently where I have been sharing myself, wherein I would discuss situations and events in my life with another/others in an attempt to gain comfort from these fears that were coming up. I have realized that the best and most effective advice comes from cutting through my own bullshit, facing my fears by stepping up and taking responsibility for them, and sharing with myself, through writing, the support that is most difficult to hear.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to discuss and reveal the details of certain specific aspects of my life in order to create a positive energetic experience about them with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take actions to create a positive energetic experience about events in my life in order to make my life/my ego seem ‘greater-than’ what they in fact actually are, instead of focusing on the reality of the events or situations, and within humility, focusing on Who I Am within them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and crave the energy I am able to create within and as ‘gossiping’ about myself and my life with another, thus creating unintended/undesirable/unnecessary consequences, which are like chain reactions that involve more beings than only myself, instead of directing the events according to the principles I have learned, understood, and committed to..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the way I feel about an event/situation/circumstance determines whether I am directing myself ‘correctly’ or ‘incorrectly’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that the only matter of importance is Who I Am within the events/situations/circumstances, whether or not I am aligning myself according to principles, including honouring and supporting myself,  and what and how I am building myself as a being of integrity within what I say and do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility  for directing the events/situations/circumstances of my life, and to, within not taking self-responsibility, fail to create a blueprint for myself to properly deal with the points and parts of myself I am faced with, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this lack of a blueprint as an excuse to look to others for direction and advice, and to use the energetic ‘bond’ or ‘closeness’ as a comfort to make myself feel ‘better’, ‘safer’ and ‘not alone’, when the reality is that I am alone in the position of taking self-responsibility and deciding Who and How I Am and how I will direct my life and world.

When and as I see that I am looking to  create energy with another about events/situations/circumstances that require to be directed in my life, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the fear of taking self-responsibility, and I look to my own common sense and principles to show myself the best way to handle and direct myself.

When and as I see that I am using gossip as a way to feed the experience of myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-realization by reminding myself that when I only focus on how I feel, I neglect to take into consideration the multi-dimensional  reality of any situation, thus limiting my ability to truly give myself the gift of actual learning/growing/moving/directing.

I commit myself to face myself as myself, without the crutch of energy as gossip, and I commit myself to differentiate between energy-creating communication and self-supportive sharing.

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions and write them out for myself, and speak about them only when I am clear within myself.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Day 197- Divorce: 6 Months Later

Ending an 8 year marriage has been a very interesting process for me thus far. It has taught a lot about myself in terms of relationships and the emotional and feeling energy that drives me and ‘overrides’ my self-honest self-direction. I have noticed that I have been finding it difficult to remain self-honest during this time that I have been alone, living alone after having lived so closely with another for so long. I’m am very grateful for the time and effort I put in to myself for the past 4 years that I have been studying and applying the Desteni tools, as they have taught me how to develop life-skills that have ‘kept me together’ so to speak, throughout some very difficult times and transitions.  

The work that I have done with the  tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application have been invaluable for me these past few months. I had, over the years, created a platform from which I can stand on as I have followed through my decision to relocate and start over in a way that’s best for me since my husband and I decided to separate. Actually, I have used the tools to direct my world since I first started understanding how they function, and since I have begun to lag on my commitment to writing, I have noticed myself coming apart in terms of falling back into old habits and patterns, ever so slowly.

Having now experienced both dedication and falling, I have seen a clear difference in how the use of the Desteni tools impacts my entire life and world. Within this differentiation, the choice is clear to me that it is and has always been most beneficial to me to continue walking this process.

The point that has been too obvious for me to ignore recently has been the point of relationship.  I have found myself to be desiring a relationship for reasons that are not self-honestly best for me. I know very well that if I compromise myself and place the responsibility for who I am and how I feel onto another, then any relationship will be doomed to failure. I see, realize and understand that I need to stand on my own two feet in order to be able to walk with any kind of integrity in this world. I see, realize and understand that integrity takes time to build and prove to self, and most importantly, I see that I have been using the idea of relationships to distract myself from the work I need to do. This distraction prevents me from building integrity.

This is not to say  I need to shut myself off from others, but rather that I need to be clear about who I am within and as  the starting point of the decisions I am making. Within the following self-forgiveness, I am taking myself back from using the idea of relationships as a form of self-sabotage, so that I can stand clear, instead of falling back into the same patterns I have lived since I started dating. Writing makes this clarity possible, so that the next relationship I enter into will not be one of dependence, blame and self-victimization, but rather an equal partnership wherein both members are better for the integration.
To view the process I have walked through divorce thus far, check out this link:


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy, distract and medicate myself with thoughts, fantasies and energetic feelings about relationships and a relationship.

When and as I see that I am escaping and running into my mind in order to leave the present moment for ‘something better’ than being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I ground myself back here within the understanding that I can do very little of any benefit for myself or anyone else if I am not fully present and grounded Here, in reality, where things actually count.

I commit myself to ring myself back Here when I have the urge to escape into my mind.

I commit myself to face the consequences and outflows of escaping into my mind, and to face and be open to the reality that I am in and of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to daydream about alternative futures of better times if I settle down with specific individuals and live a different kind of life than what I had previously expected or planned for.

When and as I see that I am not practically planning, but rather creating alternate fantasy worlds and futures, I stop, and I breathe. I pull myself  back into myself  within the understanding that I need to have specific goal achieved through specific tasks in order to have any influence on my own future, and that it will never be ‘better then’ if I do nothing to better myself here, now, in and as the present moment.

I commit myself to decide upon which goals I want to achieve within an understanding of what they are and why I have chosen them.

I commit myself to make choices that are best for me and to the best benefit of all as equal to me and one with me as I am a part of this whole. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself stagnant Here, in the present moment, by delving into the mind and traveling into imagined futures, playing out my wants and desires in my mind while at the same time, actually doing less in the present moment, which is the only moment I have to work towards actually practically building a future for myself.

When and as I intentionally or automatically travel into the imagined futures in my mind, satisfying my every want and desire, I ground myself back in reality by reminding myself that I have real, physical needs that need to be properly met, and I have practical wants and desires based on principles which, when I base my actions upon these principles, the result is the best version of myself and thus best for all as me.

I commit myself to bring myself back to, and move myself within and as the present moment, in presence and awareness, and within the realization that I know what I need to do, and I know how to figure out what needs to be done in order for me to achieve it.

I commit myself to become the living realization that I can organize my life and world in such a way that I am able to properly care for and provide for myself on both a physical and psychological level, by disciplining myself with regards to my finances, my time, and my living application of caring for my physical body, clearing, clarifying and sorting out my mind and the actions that I produce, through writing myself out in order to see my words clearly in front of me. In this way, I can see through my fantasy world to Who I can actually be, and ensure that the result of Who I Am is aligned with who I intend to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that because I am unclear of how I will direct myself and towards which goals I should work, that I should do nothing and wait for things to sort themselves out, and to simultaneously appease the desire to work towards something by fantasizing about relationships or a relationship with a specific individual.

When and as I see that I am looking for ‘things o happen’, or for the experience of ‘things happening’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and into physical reality where nothing happens unless I direct it to happen.

I commit myself to pull the realization through that when I am completely preoccupied, nothing is happening, I am getting nothing done and thus building nothing and going nowhere; whereas when I function within full presence, things get done, I build myself and my world, and I move.

I commit myself to sort out my goals and bring clarity through regarding what it is I am going to focus on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave towards another in ways which will make them desire a relationship with me, in order to try and attempt to place myself in a position where a relationship is possible if I so desire, in order to give myself the comfort and security that I will be okay and taken care of, and I will have a partner and not be alone.

When and as I see that I am holding onto the desire for a relationship as a form of comfort, distraction and security, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself  within the realization that I am the only one who can comfort, secure and be with myself in a way that is real and lasting, whether I am alone or within a partnership or agreement.

I comit myself to let go of the desire for a relationship, and bring myself back to me in order to establish a self-relationship based on principle and actual care, love and support, in order that I may be able to provide the same foe others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone in this life.

When and as I feel overwhelmed at the thought of being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to this moment within the realization that I am right here.

I commit myself to get to know myself and take myself back in all the little and big ways I had given myself away and abandoned myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back here when I see I am seeking to escape and thus abandon myself.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop taking care of myself when I am alone because I lose my motivation due having ‘no point’ in taking good care of myself, because there is no one specifically to care for me, cherish me and make me feel ‘safe’ and ‘loved’.

When and as I feel that there is ‘no point’ in caring for myself anymore because I feel there is no one outside of me caring for me because I am not in a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I AM the Point, and that I don’t need someone outside of myself to have to show me that I am worth the time, effort, motivation and discipline to care for myself in great detail and with great specificity.

I commit myself to continue to stand back up and start walking my process again for me and all as me. In the ways that I can within the parts of reality in which I am a participant.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I Am the Point, and that I can take good care of myself for Me, and that I can cherish myself and comfort myself on a physical and psychological level, as I am the most valuable resource I have.

When and as I see that I am feeling ‘less valued’ because I am not receiving the positive energy feedback reward from another, which makes me ‘feel good’ about myself as motivation to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization that I have to put in an actual directed effort to motivate myself, as self-motivation, because I cannot live my life depending upon others outside myself to ‘give’ me the energy to move myself throughout my day.

I commit myself to walk a process of learning and practicing self-motivation until it becomes automatic and normal in terms of how I function and operate and direct myself.

I commit myself to push myself to move myself to live to my utmost potential, beginning with the small, and small steps at first, in order to be able to move myself whether I am in a relationship/partnership/agreement or not.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself for the fleeting illusions I am able to create in my mind, which take me away from myself and diminish my self-awareness, my presence, my stand, and my ability to move myself through the practical daily tasks that require to be tended to.

When and as I see that I am using fantasy and illusion and escape into the mind as a way to avoid facing and moving myself Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-awareness, presence, and standing by reminding myself that the only way to continue to take my power back and direct myself and my world in a way that is best, is by functioning uninfluenced in the present moment, by operating as a whole, Here.

I commit myself to stop my addiction to the instant gratification of fantasy and illusion and to instead face the reality that anything of real value must be built, step by step, over time and with consistency, in order to create a platform of self-support, to be able to become the human I want to be, to realize my potential and effect change in myself and that which I am a direct participant within.

I commit myself to support myself Here, by bringing myself out of my mind and back Here, where I actually exist in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself in my mind when I am riding the metro, experiencing down-time at work, and falling to sleep at night, by imagining relationship scenarios in which I am a different person, instead of grounding myself Here, into and as the person that I actually am, and working towards making the changes that I know are necessary to be made.

When and as I see that I am stealing moments from myself in actual reality In order to create myself in in an alternate reality in my mind by participating within and as thoughts of Who and How I can be and experience myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-realization by reminding myself that these are moments that I am actually losing and giving up, and that these moment are thus then wasted and I cannot get them back; however I can take myself back within the time I still have, and utilize every moment to instead create myself as a self-honest being with clear direction, aim and purpose.

I commit myself to direct, aim and align myself to the purpose of becoming a being of integrity through developing the self-trust, self-responsibility, self-acceptance and self-worth that require to be developed for myself in this life.

To script yourself back into alignment with a Life of integrity, learn these self-supportive writing tools, visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours and supports yourself to Live a Life that benefits yourself and those around you. - See more at:



Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Day 196- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD

I had stopped writing and within that time a point had been mentioned that OCD reactions within myself are caused by becoming overwhelmed by patterns that are triggered by memories which are triggered by my environment. The difficulty here is that these memories may have occurred very early on in life, and it may be close to impossible to recollect the particular memories in any other way than the emotional energetic experience they create. The reasoning behind this would be that experiences in early life occur before language is understood, therefore there is no way to describe and comprehend the experience, not even within oneself.

Memories that affect us in the present moment can have happened too long ago to recall, wherein one did not have the necessary means to communicate about the experience, or even be able to give it a name. However, when the experience triggered by the memory occurs again in the present, it can now be named. The experience can thus be captured in words, words within which acceptances and allowances and associations can be forgiven, released and/or changed. In other words, who self is within these words can be changed. The way one lives the words can change, quite simply, yet at the same time, with much effort as consistent application in every moment. This may seem daunting or exhausting, except the fact of the matter is that we each and every one of us already do apply ourselves in such a way. The only difference is that we have done so in unawareness, in falling into patterns and habits that have become so habitual that they have become automatic.

I have already proven to myself that such automation can be changed. Using the tools of self-forgiveness,  self-honesty, self-commitment, and self-corrective application, new habits and patterns can be developed, and become the new ‘normal’.

Within OCD, for me, I become overwhelmed by the patterns. I create an entire energetic experience connected to the patterns which looks to be released, and which I find a release for within obsessive compulsive behaviours. This happens daily.

What I’m going to do is identify the patterns that overwhelm me my taking a look at my day to see where the overwhelmingness begins, and describe with words the energy that was created. I will be using some suggestions that were provided to me by a member of the Desteni community. These were words I could relate to and I used them to figure out the patterns that cause them. They are: dizzying uncertainty, intense isolation and self-damning depression.

Looking at the day:

This morning I had agreed to assist with some children wherein I was only required to be present in the early morning. Everything was stable as I had a very predictable and clear set of tasks, such as: make breakfast, eat with the kids, help them get dressed, put away my bedding and pack my belongings, and drive home. The overwhelmingness began as I was driving home. I am living I a new city and do not yet have a routine. The prospect of having a day wide open with no routine is something I would long for while at work or while doing my studies. However, in this situation, it was only an overwhelming prospect for me. The trigger is thus then being in a position where I have to take steps to accomplish all the things I want to get done over time.

As a child I would have used the time doing whatever I wanted: watching television, playing with friends, playing with my toys, drawing etc… doing whatever pleased me. Now things are different, Now I have responsibilities and I have to structure my ‘time off’ in order to be able to create a balance between getting things done and putting time aside for enjoyment. So, I would consider then , that the shift occurred when I began to have responsibilities in my life, or things that I was supposed to do and I didn’t know how to do them, or how to organize myself to be able to begin them, or discipline myself to see them through.

I’m recalling chaos, confusion, and dizzying uncertainty. I’m recalling a memory of nursery school where I was first learning French. The teacher was reading a book and asking students to name in French the images she was pointing to, such as ‘caterpillar’. I recall the student calling out ‘chenille’, and I was struck and dumbfounded by the fact that these students knew these words I had never heard before. I felt as though I could not participate in the activity, and that other students were pleasing the teacher and I could not. I didn’t understand where or how I was supposed to have known these words, or where or how the other children had learned them.  I didn’t understand that some of the students were just learning the language for the first time, while others may have already been exposed to it in their homes or in other programs. I felt I was at a disadvantage, I felt embarrassed and like I wanted to disappear because my perception was that all the other students knew and understood something that I did not. I was not able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have. Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain.

I can relate this experience to my present experience, wherein, when I was presented with an open day in a new living situation, I did not have any past experience to tell me exactly what to do; I did not ‘automatically know’ the best way to set myself up. I di dnot immediately consider that this is not exactly true- I have moved many times, I have had to find a new job, and I have set up utilities before and I have directed myself through scheduling a day, the only difference now is that I’m in a new city and country that I am not yet familiar with in these regards. What happened was that I immediately went into the reaction of confusion, fear and uncertainty, within the belief that this understanding is unattainable, not because it is in fact unobtainable, but because I had created this pattern which produces a dizzying confusion when the knowledge is not already there. Within this energetic experience it is very difficult to think straight or make a directive decision. I fall into the pattern of helplessness within the belief that ‘I don’t know how to do this’, which is a belief and a pattern and not my living reality.

Looking at this pattern now, I can see that it could have begun way earlier than this pre-school experience. Being the younger child, I would have grown up with a sibling that would seemingly have known may many things that I did not yet know how to do, such as speaking and walking. Even simply being a child, new to the world, one would be presented daily with beings that know things and are doing things that are well beyond the child’s ability to grasp. Until the child realizes what learning is, and grasps the idea that repetition over time equals new skills and understanding. Learning, as I recall it as a child, was not something that was consciously done, I would simply engage with something and I would explore and experiment and it would be fun and fascinating. But this recalling foreign words and memorizing them was not something I would have ever thought to do, nor was it a process I understood.

Previously, I had written a blog series called ‘Fully Committing to My Studies’ within which I touched on ‘Becoming an Effective Student’ and ‘Learning How to Learn’. Within this series, I realized that I did not have a working understanding of learning. I would simply be pushed along this process of memorizing and reading and never considered of contemplated the actual process of breaking down the learning tasks or information into steps and walking through each step to completion.

This pattern is connected to other patterns that together create energies within me, such as dizzying confusion, self-damning depression, intense isolation and extreme frustration. These energies are obviously very uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least, and instead of investigating them and changing the patterns that cause them, I had accepted them as Who and How I Am, and lived with them until they literally drove me ‘crazy’ in that I developed OCD to cope, and OCD is a mental disorder and we tend to call people with mental disorders ‘crazy’(although it can be argued that everyone has some form of mental disorder or another).

The other patterns that are connected to this pattern of dizzying confusion when confronted with a task or set of tasks is actually fighting the learning process. This stems from the experience that I am being forced to go through a process that I do not understand, that makes me feel lost and confused, and one that, as a child, I felt I did not have any say in why or how I should do it, but felt as though the entire thing was forced upon me. Within this I felt trapped, and reacted within constantly looking for escape. Instead of throwing a tantrum as many children do, and instead of trying to communicate to others what I was experiencing, I would internalize the reactions and go into fear. I would submit to this fear by seeking to escape rather than trying to learn or understand. This escape I found within myself within imagination and fantasy, my internal world which was the only place I experienced safety and self-expression that I was not able to experience in the real world. This eventually contributed to the intense isolation I would create by giving myself only two options: either submit to the will of others, or be alone. I would, over time, experience intense isolation to the extent that I could escape within myself even while in the presence of another. This would appear as ‘aloofness’ and ‘airiness’, which can create all sorts of reactions because it would appear as though one does not care, when in reality, one is so deeply within one’s own mind as an alternate reality of escape that one is almost not at all present. It becomes difficult to retain details and converse or become fully engaged with another because one is actually isolated behind thick walls, even while in the presence of another.

I recently read about this dissociative state (in fact, the day after I wrote this), in the book called The Tao of Equus, where the author relates the trauma of prey animals to that of human trauma victims. The following excerpt is from the work of Peter A. Levine, Ph.D.: “Physiologists call this state the ’immobility’ or ’freezing’ response. It is one of the three primary responses available to reptiles or mammals when faced with an overwhelming threat. The other two, fight or flight, are much more familiar to us.” Levine continues to explain that this dissociation “protects us from escalating arousal” and then that “[t]raumatic symptoms are not caused by the ‘triggering’ event itself. They stem from the frozen residue of energy that has not been resolved or discharged.” Levine continues with the actual experience of this state: “In its mildest f forms, it manifests as a kind of spaciness. At the other end of the spectrum, it can develop into so-called multiple personality disorder”.

I can relate to the aforementioned ‘freeze response’ and have blogged about my experiences with this in the manifestation of ‘aloofness’ within myself. Within this frozen state, or ‘aloofness’, active participation is limited, decision making is difficult, and self-movement is next to impossible. Mostly, I recall being moved only by outside forces in my environment, such as the fear of reprimand. The “frozen residue of energy” Levine describes is relatable to me as the internalization of the emotional energetic experiences which are not dealt with, but rather remain stagnant and fester within self. Whereas some children would well up with the energy and then lose control as an explosion in the form of what we call a ‘temper tantrum’ where the child will display an emotional outburst, others like myself, would internalize the entire experience, and dwell with it. The term ‘dwell’ is interesting because the energy is literally dwelling within the physical body, along with and as the beingness of the child (or adult, or being). For me, I see that both the energetic experience I would seek to escape, as well as the escape itself, existed within me. As I had previously described the escape mechanisms I used where that of introversion, wherein I would ‘escape’ into my mind and create alternate realities and other worlds where I would experience myself completely differently. Within this understanding, there are in fact multiple personalities dwelling within the body. What is also interesting here is that I have written about OCD as a personality, as an entity existent within and as me, which takes over and possesses me at times, sometimes completely. This relates to Levine’s description of the experience of the dissociative state as a ”spaciness” at the lesser extreme, and then “multiple personality disorder” at the other. There are, of course, many degrees of these experiences in the middle. Although I cannot recall any particular traumatic event in my life, I do recall experiencing fear reactions which, over time became a dominant experience and at times a form of ‘petrification’, which would cause me to ‘over-react’ in fear to situations which others might find only slightly unpleasant.

I a related part of the book, author Linda Kohanov describes the following effects of a particular tactic used to ’break’ disobedient horses: “the act of forcing a prey animal to lie down by tying up one of his front legs , dragging him to the ground, and sitting on him in this vulnerable position until he submits causes such an intense fear reaction that the animal’s entire nervous system short-circuits. The result [is] a sudden change in personality. The horse acts like a zombie, which to people who prefer a machine-like mount, appears to be a miraculous cure for chronic disobedience.” The author continues on to explain that this technique is used for even mildly disobedient horses that work for commercial trail riding stables where the horses are forced to repeat monotonous behaviours such as riding the same trail day after day.

This description reminds me of the ‘breaking’ of children in order to force them to sit and listen in class for hours on end, absorbing and repeating information day after day. In my own experience, being brought to the front of the class and criticized for my poor performance placed me in a vulnerable position where I eventually submitted. It felt like the teacher yelled at me for an eternity. Previously, this had occurred to me in kindergarten, where the teacher called the class’ attention to my work and briefly asked for a consensus that it was not good. The experience was not enjoyable, but it ended so quickly that I was able to bounce back and move on. The first experience I described, where the teacher kept me in the experience for longer, had a different effect. I recall feeling myself shrinking within myself, feeling very confused, fearful and humiliated, until I finally ‘broke’, wherein I began to cry, and something within me submitted, and from that point I constantly feared the event ever happening again. I carried the experience with me within the belief that it was ‘deserved’ because the teacher knows best . It helped to confirm pre-existent beliefs about myself as ‘not good enough’ in comparison to my class-mates. Over time, I utilized this experience as part of my self-definition of Who I Am in this world and this reality, wherein it still comes up and limits me in some ways to this very day.

The “zombie”-like state achieved in breaking horses, as described by author Linda Kohanov, can also be prevalent in the human species. Within the education system, this zombie-like behavior would be preferred, where spirited young children that ‘misbehave’ are seen as disruptive to the education process. Children are broken with punishment, humiliation, fear, bad grades, disciplinary actions, etc… In the past, and even still today in some areas, children are beaten to achieve this effect. Nowadays, it is more and more common to simply medicate the children to sedate them into compliance.

To be continued….