Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Day 258 - Walking Through Hell to Create Heaven Within

I have gone through an interesting experience these past few weeks, where I had had enough – enough with the migraines, enough with the overwhelming fear and anxiety that I could physically feel bombarding my body more often than not on a daily basis, enough with feeling like my body is a prison of constant torment. And so I decided to stop. I decided to stop and be here and be empty. 

It was only after walking an extensive internal mind-process of self-understanding and stopping my participation in thought patterns and reactions that I had been impulsing within myself for years. Going into panicked insecurity about the future, creating irrational fears inside myself, obsessively worrying and planning on top of constantly creating imaginary insurmountable obstacles for myself had become my norm, and I had really had enough. But once the mind-process was walked, I was left with bizarre and unexplained physical sensations moving through me.

The experience at first was very scary and confusing. Isn’t it interesting how our first reaction to new experiences is usually fear, and fearing the worst? The experience was physical, because with the process I walked, my mind had become much more quiet – yet on a physical level, my body was in inexplicable turmoil, with internal movements and sensations that would overwhelm me in unexpected moments. I felt like I had no safe place to go, because escaping into my mind of thinking and worrying would only lead to recycling the very thing I had vowed to stop, and being present with my body had now become of storm of unsuspecting sensations and discomforts that I was reacting to with confusion and uncertainty, opening the door again for fear and anxiety.


All I could do was to be here, to breath and to trust myself. This involved the decision to stand through the experience, embrace it, support my body and remain consistent within my commitment to stop, no matter what. What it turned out to be was like a physical withdrawal – the body massaging out the conditioning of what it would go through every time I would bombard it with fear, worries and anxieties to the point of panic and overwhelm throughout the years, possibly over a decade of my life. Where I had now stopped my participation in such mind patterns, and was busy walking a process of trust with my body, showing it that I was a changed being, and that my body could relax now, and let it go.


Now, stopping this mind participation was not as easy as making a decision and walking it for a few weeks. This was just the tail-end of a much longer process that began years ago, and was further substantiated shortly after my arrival here at the Desteni farm. I had made a comittment to focus on supporting my body whole-heartedly, doing everything I could, from testing out supplements, exercise, writing out many mind patterns and walking the correction, visiting the doctor and chiropractor, doing research in chemistry and bringing in foods and teas that would support the physical symptoms I was experiencing, talking to and seeking support from others, testing out homeopathy, epsom baths, essential oils, massage, creating a safe, comforting and caring internal and external environment for myself, eliminating destructive things from my life, opening myself up through self-understanding and so much more.


I cannot pinpoint or say exactly which thing, path or practice initiated my final letting-go, except to say that I did everything I could possibly think of, and the final application was a complete slowing down and an eventual stopping. I would go for slow walks and just breathe, and anything that would come up or move inside me would be forgiven, let go, and I would return back to breath, repeating this until I could remain stable throughout the entire walk. I would do up to three of these walks a day, mostly alone and sometimes with others. I would focus on breathing deeply from my belly, and at the same time holding my posture in a comfortable and supportive way, which at first felt surprisingly overly complicated! I practiced my application of breathing, posture and Here-ness alone, and then with others.


What opened up during these walks was this space inside of me, which I call my safe space, my sanctuary, or my safe-haven. It is a place that is like an unconditional self-embrace that is silent and spacious, where I decide what points to bring in to look at instead of the compulsive, out-of-control thinking I had become used to.


I have since continued the walks, and three interesting points opened up. First, I noticed that I no longer always needed to visit this place, and that I was going there now unnecessarily. There was no more constant storm inside of me, there was now an overall calm. When I would go into that space when it was unneeded, I could tell immediately because there is a restlessness. In these instances, I simply focus on my environment, coming out from within myself and being present in the physical, noticing the sights, smells, sounds, or using practical planning to map out the next steps of my day.


The second thing I noticed was that on these walks, the distractions and mind-wandering started creeping back in, and I would have to apply myself again. It is as if life opened up and showed me what is possible, and then took it away within the statement: “prove it to me/yourself”. Meaning, it is necessary to develop the self-trust, to prove to myself that it is not just when I am forced through consequence, or that I can do it when it is easy, but that the change is now so thoroughly a part who I am at the very fabric of my being, that regardless of internal or external factors, challenges and obstacles, I Stand.


The third thing that opened up had to do with a long held belief I had been carrying around .This belief was that I thought that if I did not have these overwhelming negative experiences within myself, life would be so much easier and I would be able to move myself more effectively. But when the actual reality of the situation settled into me and I into it, I found myself feeling listless, ‘blank’, not really knowing what to do or which direction to move in. Now that I was not being pushed by stress, anxiety, worry, panic and overwhelm, I had to move myself. This is the process I am now walking.


Since this time with now some weeks passing, the body sensations have stopped almost entirely. There will be moments where I brace myself for a surge, and then nothing happens, and I remember to simply breathe and be here, and not re-engage with the pattern. Now new experiences are opening up to look at. I am giving myself some time as I peel back one layer after another as I integrate, perfect and continue to walk this one.


To hear the recordings that specifically supported me throughout this time, check out the following links:

Fearing the Worst: For how to move through being stuck in confusion/uncertainty/fear/complaining into solutions/forward motion check out this recording: From Complaining to Coming to Solutions -Quantum Mind Self Awareness

Description:  “Why do we so often get stuck in our problems and trying to figure out why things went wrong instead of looking for and acting on solutions?
In this recording, we explore practical methods for getting ourselves unstuck when we are facing challenges in our lives, so that instead of complaining about the things that don’t work, we start developing the solutions ourselves.”


Developing an internal sanctuary:  Your Own Personal Happy Place - Journeys into the Afterlife - Part 102

Description:  “Even Superman had a Fortress of Solitude.
Everyone needs to have that space for themselves - their own personal, private “Happy Place” where they can, for a moment, reconnect with themselves.
Lilly shares her experience of how creating her personal space of sanctuary allowed her to be more grounded and light-hearted when things got tough, and how we can do the same for ourselves.”

For an explanation about my physical body sensations, what they are and why they happened, check out: I am Real - Quantum Mind Self Awareness

Description: “What is reality? Are you real? And if you are, how would you prove it? Where does reality become real for you?
These questions may seem like philosophical ones that lead to nowhere but a splitting headache. But what if there was an answer to these questions that not only allows you to connect with greater purpose and enjoyment in your day to day life, but also makes those moments of your reality that much more meaningful?”

Find out about
Visit your existential library at