That Face

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am victimized within speaking and not speaking myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my words can cause me harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress speaking for fear of harming my ego as personalities and characters that I have created over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create personalities and character out of fear and survival, and then fear losing them, disrupting them within the belief that what lies underneath them is too painful, too vulnerable, too serious and can only come out in the ‘safest’ conditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there are ‘safe’ moments and ‘safe’ people that I can speak myself around, which implies that there are ‘unsafe’ moments and ‘unsafe’ people around which I cannot speak for fear of being hurt or losing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can lose something through speaking about parts of me that I have defined as too deep and vulnerable, too easily hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear crying around people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed if I cry in front of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I cry in front of others, that I lose some kind of credibility or standing that I can never get back because I have now shown ‘weakness’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as weakness, experiencing emotions as ‘weak’, and showing any instability whatsoever as ‘weak’ and not to be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everyone around me is strong and stable and I am the only one ‘faking’ it, and if anyone were to find out that I would be outcast, disregarded and lose any credibility as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back when I want to speak because of not wanting to become emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming emotional or to fear others seeing me as emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute fear when I feel myself becoming emotional for fear that my emotional body will be exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of exposure on to my environment and within this define my environment as ‘unsafe’ to share myself in because something might be said or done while I am in an emotional state that might make me crack and break down and possibly cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing my own emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my emotions bigger than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create monsters out of my emotions through suppressing and denying them, pushing them down where they could fester and grow where it feels like to confront them now would make me spin out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need others to help me surgically extract my emotions and emotional points sooooo carefully so that I do not get caught off guard and experience something overwhelming that I am not ready for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can only access my deeper emotional points with the support of others ‘pulling them out of me’ for me, instead of standing equal to my own creation as the emotions I have fed with thoughts, ideas, belief, judgments etc… over time, where I now have the experience that they are bigger than me and I cannot do it alone.