Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Day 152- The Fear of Not Having OCD


This blog is continued form:


To clarify the title: In my previous blog I wrote about how when I stop myself from participating in the obsessive-compulsive rituals of OCD (specifically dermatillomania) I get an uncomfortability. There had been on several occasions, times where I stopped myself, and have then been overcome by this experience that I call ‘the terrible feeling, which is the experience of an all-consuming fear that I can do nothing but breathe through until it stops. What is interesting is that when I watch tv shows on addiction, I can relate the experience to the ‘withdrawal’ stage that addicts go through when they initially stop using the drug.

There are several elements here that I would be dealing with, which are as follows:  1) I am the creator of both the ‘terrible feeling’ which I would describe as an overwhelming fear, AND the OCD itself as an escape. So I would have to look into how I create the overwhelming fear in the first place, and then go into a bit more about how and why participating in OCD is seen as a release and an escape, when in reality, it merely perpetuates the entire cycle. And 2) I fear NOT participating in OCD, because I fear that if I do not do it, I will get that feeling again. Within this element, I would look at the back-chat and internal conversations I have with myself that cause me to believe that if I stop this obsessive compulsion, I will suffer. This back chat and internal conversation also justifies the participation, as well as contributes to creating the uncomfortability as a self-fulfilling prophecy by TELLING myself, if I stop, I will feel terrible, instead of actually writing out some practical applications for myself and stopping myself to see if in fact there is a reaction.

Within my next blog, I will begin by identifying and forgiving these backchats and internal conversations, in order that I may stop them and facilitate my self-change.

To be continued…
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