Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Day 142- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 6)

For context, this blog is continued from:
Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath
Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 2)
Day 139- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 3)
Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)
Day 141- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 5)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living the word 'steadfastness' because I have concentrated and focused so much only on the hardest parts of this process of change, and have projected them out in front of me for as far as the mind’s eyes can see. I have not allowed myself to enjoy and enhance the change and the steps I have already taken towards expressing myself as the presence and the awareness I have thus far managed, however little or lot that may be.

I commit myself to stop making this 
process so much harder for myself by only ever being aware of the hardest parts, without also allowing myself to simultaneously be aware of what comes AFTER the hardest parts, which is the growth, the change, and a Life where I am actually living and expressing ME- not my insecurities, self-judgments, fears, doubts, and everything else that enslaves and imprisons humankind to a diminished version of itself.

When and as I see that I am creating the experience of myself as nothing but facing consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that if I am using the moment to think/manifest this experience, then I also in fact have the moment/opportunity to breathe, and let go, wherein I can remind myself that such an experience can just as easily crumble away as it was never real, and in that stopping I give myself the gift of real freedom- by standing up from within the influence and direction of the mind, and changing with it/as it, to the presence and awareness that I know I am In Fact capable of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play martyr to myself, demonstrating perseverance and steadfastness mostly in the face of my self-created hardships, which is like ‘treading water’, wherein I’ve enhanced the ‘hard’ part of this process while denying myself the gift of life that I am able to give myself in the ways I am currently able to give. 

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions towards the word steadfastness, particularly and specifically the 
fear that seems to take my breath away.

I commit myself to walk this process step by step only, and not pave a path of 
struggle and toil with my mind’s eye, which I would then manifest as my actual experience of myself within and without.

I commit myself to face and begin and continue to stop my enslavement to the mind-, and to the ups and downs of 
feelings and emotions, wherein I commit myself to continue stabilizing myself by pulling myself out of lows and bringing myself down from highs.

When and as I see that everything just ‘seems so hard,’ and my experience of myself is that of burdened and heavy, I challenge myself to stop, and breathe. I challenge myself to take a step back, to step away, and to bring myself back to the simplicity of the physical, by moving myself physically, to physically ground myself, and them to ask myself: what would I be doing right now if I were stable within myself, how would I ideally be handling this situation? And then moving myself to practically, physically do that. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire experience which allows me to more easily justify thoughts of giving up and self-doubt by only focusing on the consequences and the hardest parts of this process.

I commit myself to expand my awareness to also include and so to simultaneously enhance the change that I have already managed within myself- the stability within conflict, the stability within interactions with others, the ability to stop my racing mind at night, the ability to direct my world/environment to one that supports me and one that I am in control of in terms of things like finances, work, education, responsibilities, etc. Also, being more assertive within myself, moving myself through 'lows' to do things that are beneficial to/for me instead of being self-destructive, getting to work on time- every day, making time for myself to exercise enjoy the outdoors/do yoga/cook, staying calm in stressful situations, bringing myself back to stability when things seem to be falling apart, learning to HEAR others, learning to communicate more self-honestly, not participating in activities that do not honour me, learning how to ask for help, and when I actually need it, being more independent and self-sufficient, developing self-trust and self-worth, and the list goes on. 

When and as I see that I am narrowing my awareness to only include the hardships and difficulties of change, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that my mind will use/create any situation or experience to seduce me into giving up/talk me out of continuing. I remind myself that I gift myself the power to continue, every time I stop myself as my mind from manipulating me and how I feel within myself, by being aware of and stopping the thoughts that subconsciously direct my focus to all the hardships and difficulties and consequences, without giving any attention to what I have already accomplished. I remind myslef that I can in fact utilize these moments to assert myself as the change that I want to be, because each of these moments is like a test, will I stand? It is within m power and control to do so, nothing is stopping me but me.

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