There are several if not many things
that hit me where it hurts. Two of them were placed in my face today and I
stood there and fought for my limitations. One is dancing- I suck at it and I
feel judged when I do it. The second is working out, it’s hard and I don’t want
to do it. The truth is this is my ego that judges itself and doesn’t want to
work hard, and so the underlying truth is that I have resistances towards these
things which I have created for myself- which aren’t even real. But the point
of this blog is not the fact that I believe I can’t dance or will work out
later, the point is the fight I had in me when someone tried to challenge my
ego by questioning my reasoning.
Luckily I am
becoming more and more familiar with self-honesty, so as I stood there feeling
increasingly constricted in my chest and super rigid and defensive, I kept
telling myself, this is not true, this is not who I am. What I observed within myself was like, I scarcely had control over myself in the way I wanted to
argue and defend myself- but it wasn’t even me, it was these beliefs I had
created that have defined me, which I clung to for security because if I were
to let them go, or to admit they weren’t real, I would have to face myself: My
fear of dancing which is just my self-judgment. My resistance to working out,
which is just my resistance to pushing myself. I obviously can ‘get over’ these
hang-ups I have, there’s nothing stopping me from that, so everything that I
was arguing was an excuse. In the end I had to swallow my ego and my pride and
own up to the fact that I was justifying my limitations with excuses so as not
to have to face me.
Thankfully I
did not continue arguing as I was using self-honesty to observe what was going
on inside of me in terms of my reactions and emotions I could see how easily
this type of thing can escalate. I saw myself trying or wanting to get mad, to
fight tooth and nail to be right, even though I KNEW I was not. I was talking
to someone who does not put up with my bullshit excuses, so he was not backing
down either. In the end I had to admit to myself that I was limiting myself by
believing my beliefs to be real, which is an interesting observation because it
is an experience with which I can probably relate to adamantly religious people
or ‘love and light’ spiritualists, or anyone who defines themselves and their
existence upon belief systems. Believing in something faith-based while the
actual physical evidence is telling something different can be a tough pill to swallow,
because taking comfort in beliefs and then defining oneself by them will cause
one to fight tooth and nail to not have to face the possibility that the belief
isn’t real, because then the only thing left is facing yourself. When I
swallowed my ego and my pride a funny thing happened, after a small inner
tantrum which manifested in tears at my final ‘giving up’ on my ego’s argument,
I felt more stable, I felt more Able, I felt like I could breathe again and
like I could now take forward steps and start working on these areas of my
life. I was humbled, which is always cool.
So there it
is- blind faith, existent within ME. I always considered myself a skeptic, but
it appears I have placed blind faith in my beliefs about myself rather than
beliefs outside of me such as in a god or deity or whatever. It’s different,
yet at the same time it is exactly the same. Blind is blind, faith is faith. I
remind myself to base my definition of myself only upon that which is Here,
real, physical, which I have proven to myself through writing and application.
Otherwise I will limit myself by beliefs, or believe myself to be something I
am not, which is ego, and which sets me up for a great fall.
In the end
we made up. Thankfully I have been learning about and practicing the tools of
self-forgiveness together with self-honesty, because without them this would
have been a fight. It could have been a nasty one too. Instead it ended in a
more intimate understanding of each other, a hug and a serious lesson for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate within and as ego, within and as the self-limiting beliefs that I
use to define myself in order to keep myself down, trapped and enslaved to my
mind of judgment, instead of unconditionally living and constantly pushing
myself to test the boundaries of my limitations so that I can see, within this
lifetime, just how far I can go and what I am capable of because otherwise,
what is the point of living? Within this, of course remain the principles of
oneness and equality. Just because I was born into a life where I get to
experiment with ‘unconditional living’ while millions starve does not give me
the right to indulge my every whim and fancy as I ‘push myself to test the
boundaries of my limitations,’ the focus, starting point and raison d’etre of
realizing oneself as Life, is realizing Life as oneself. Therefore we have aresponsibility to Life. We have a responsibility to ourselves first, to stop
our own self-enslavement to the thoughts, patterns, emotions, reaction,
judgments etc…, in order that we may stand up to stop the enslavement of all by
this economic system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue
for my limitations, especially because I am aware of this behavior, and
especially because, even as the words left my mouth, I knew what I was doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project
my anger outwards at the individual whom I was arguing with, instead of
realizing that that anger was only all about me, as I was/am angry with myself
for limiting myself, for believing my self-created limitations, and for arguing
for them. The only way to release this anger is to stop creating it, by not
participating in this behavior again. I can use ‘red flags’ to warn myself that
I am starting to participate in such behavior, such as getting defensive and
feeling my chest tightening, feeling picked on, feeling attacked, feeling what
seems like an uncontrollable desire to use ridiculous excuses to defend myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue
participating in self-limiting behavior which makes me angry, but not angry
enough to actually change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait
for myself to become ‘angry enough’ before changing me, instead of being the
self-directive principle of myself in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist
facing me by arguing for my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
my ego to be me and to be real or who I really am, instead of realizing that
this would be an extremely limited and enslaved existence, whereas living humbly
as no-better-or-worse-than, and ‘a part of’ what is Here is expansive (as
opposed to living in my own little separate bubble of an ego which is all that
I know).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my
internal feeling experience as an indicator of whether I am right or wrong
instead of realizing I am in a reaction and thus taking a step back and looking
at the situation in its entirety and seeing the opportunity which is presenting
itself for me to choose Life and expansion over ego and limitation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or
become controlled by my internal experience because it seems so real and right
and overpowering when I know it is not right and I know that I have a choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base
right and wrong upon internal experiences felt by nobody but me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
separate myself into my own little ego bubble where I can be right just because
I feel something inside of me, inside my skull-sized kingdom where I am not
usually challenged, but when I am, I fight tooth and nail to be right, instead laying
down my arms and facing me in equality, where I don’t become defensive because
there’s nothing to defend, it’s either change, or stay limited. The only things
that need to be defended and get defensive about are the things we justify when
we know they are ‘wrong as in not real, not who we really are. Otherwise there
would be no reaction.
I see, realize and understand that I there is no point in
defending myself as ego because if I choose that route I will never have a
stable leg to stand on.
I realize that if I am walking one and equal to myself then I
will not get defensive and reactive, I only become these things when I am in
ego, justifying my inferiority/superiority, limitation/beliefs etc…
I realize that the only way to see a situation for what it
really is, is if I first make sure I’m not in a reactive state when I look at
it.
I realize that how I feel inside does not dictate ‘right’ and
‘wrong.’
I realize that I always have the choice of self-direction,
even when I feel like I’m in a fight for my life, only the ego has to fight for
survival, Life does not need to prove its existence.
I realize that living within and as ego is an extremely
limited and limiting existence which places me at the mercy of an endless
imagination of fears, judgments, guilt, anxiety and all the other tricks of the
mind that are self-created and not real in any way whatsoever, but which become
real as we live them by participating in them.
I see, realize and understand that my anger is only about me,
and it is a valuable tool for me to use in situations where I am absolutely fed
up and need a push to move me from my comfort zone of habits and patterns to
walk as self-directive principle into the unknown of actual living.
I commit myself to face me in every breath, Here.
I commit myself to change the things in me that I cannot
accept by directing myself to write myself out and write self-corrective
statements which I can practically apply and live in my daily life.
I commit myself to stop creating myself, my world and my
reality according to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, validations,
justifications, reactions and beliefs of the mind and to instead live Here, as
an equal, one with what is Here as we all come from the same earth.
When I see myself going into the reaction of defensiveness I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding
that I am accepting and allowing my ego to emerge as me and I have a choice. I
direct myself to choose life, and to swallow my pride and live equal and one
with me, so that I can live equal and one with everybody and all that’s Here.
Also Check out how to practically establish a stable relationship in Failed Relationships
Also Check out how to practically establish a stable relationship in Failed Relationships
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