Day 17- Survival of the Fittest Ego

            I was talking to a man about the student tuition protests that are taking place around where I live. I didn’t want to because I’ve noticed that these discussions get pretty fired up, and in the end, the whole thing is usually pretty inconsequential and useless. I resisted talking about it at first, but when he pulled a picture out of his pocket which looked like propaganda, depicting female students as girls-gone-wild types and males as violent anarchists, I let it get the best of me and proceeded to defend the students. He got really mad and narrowed in on me, his eyes completely changed, and his tone got angry and his whole body language changed and it scared me.

            What I observed within myself was this strong desire to not let him ‘win’. I felt I should be able to speak without being ‘shot down’ by an angry man. But when he began to change and go into what seemed like ‘attack mode’ I felt like by this sheer ‘force’ that he was becoming he had the power to diminish and discredit me. I started to feel like I didn’t really know what I was talking about and a bit vulnerable, and this made me angry. Then, I started to shake. It was cold out, and I had been shivering before, but as we were talking and I become angry and scared, I really began to shake.

            As it was happening, I kept telling myself to stop and breathe, to calm down and let it go… but I kept allowing myself to be ‘sucked back in’ within the desire to jump back into the conversation. I didn’t jump back into the conversation, but each time I thought about it I would get all charged up with this fear and anger energy which felt like a rush and was making me shake. Everyone had had a couple drinks (except me, I don’t drink), and I could see a little belligerence emerging so I decided to take a step back and look at the whole situation for what it was: all talk. I saw that nothing was going to come of this. I saw that this is a pattern that this specific male has been repeating for years as I recalled arguments between him and others quite often, only they had never been directed at me. I saw that I am not even really on any side of the student protests, as they are illegal manifestations and therefore disempower the students instead of taking the longer yet legal democratic approach (as is being done by the Equal Money System, wherein politics is used to gain the consent of the people to change public policy to support the population in the most effective ways, which would, of course, include an entire overhaul of the educational system). So, in the end- I just wanted to speak an opinion and either be ‘right’, or at least not be entirely discredited in front of the group.

            In the end, I am entirely unsatisfied with the way I reacted internally to the situation. It left me feeling disempowered, angry, and frustrated. So, my self-forgiveness for today will concentrate on this tendency I have of speaking up for the wrong reasons and at the wrong times, thus sabotaging myself by going into fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into the energetic experience of wanting to be right, wanting to make a point as a matter of opinion, and wanting to ‘win’ an argument, thus leaving me vulnerable because I end up speaking words I can’t stand by in situations that are ‘obsolete,’ so to speak, because I would not even be speaking words as me, but rather words as opinions and words as weapons in a competition with another being that was displaying aggressive body language. If I had participated I would have brought myself to that level, thus making the statement that I support this type of behavior which comes down to survival games of competition where there are winners and losers and conflict, instead of me standing as an example of support and cooperation with my ‘fellow man’, or simply not participating nor supporting such behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to spew (mostly meaningless) opinions (meaningless because they are not backed by any direct or practical actions that will bring my opinions out of my mind and into actual reality, therefore making them ‘all talk’ for the sake of winning/being right/competing).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to be right for the sake of competition against another being within the want/need/desire to ‘win’ and the other to ‘lose’, instead of standing as a pillar of support/example of support/cooperation, which is what needs to be born into this physical existence at an individual level, instead of the endless patterns we have been repeating for millennia, which are survival, competition, and winning/losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become overwhelmed by my human nature of survival and competition, wherein I want/need/desire to win/be right, and even though I stopped myself from fully participating, I still went on the roller-coaster ride of feeling/emotions/reactions wherein I went into inferiority/fear/anger instead of remaining stable, Here, and not participating in the mind in any way except as to observe my internal processes and the nature of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, in order that I may forgive myself and change my nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of superiority/inferiority, wherein I think/believe/perceive knowledge and information as some kind of power over me, making me less-than another within the belief that I may not know enough and be called out, which would be embarrassing, instead of standing up as Who I Am as a human being, equal to and one with all other beings in existence where no polarity actually exists, and where to fear another would mean to fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself because I don’t trust that I will ‘keep it together’ in and emotional argument, wherein I fear I will go into ‘survival mode’ and attack the other, either physically or verbally, thus creating consequences I don’t want to face.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to trust myself with another being, within the belief that another being can ‘set me off’ and I will lose control because I have so much anger which I so easily project onto another instead of taking responsibility for that anger and using it to change me into a being that is responsible and who lives according to the principles of equality and oneness, within which anger is not created as no abuse is possible when all are equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my suppressed anger when I’m in a confrontation wherein I project onto the other being all the anger I have towards myself, for all the times I should have stopped or stood up, but didn’t, in this, I end up blaming others for me not being able to stand, because I fear them, or I go into inferiority around them, and instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that these are only beliefs in my mind, I believe them to be real and to be caused by the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away and thus to disempower myself by using blame within the belief that the other being is causing me to fear, and/or is causing me to experience the internal energetic experience of inferiority and vulnerability, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that is has always been me creating these experiences due to me making the experience seem so real by participating within and as them since my beginnings, instead of standing up and saying ‘NO’, and stopping myself from the temptations of the mind, and instead observing the reality of the situation for what it really is, which is basically and energetic shitshow where everyone involved is just doing the same thing in endless circles, which is spewing opinions, instigating confrontations, participating in reactive behaviours/feelings/emotions and feeding their egos by wanting/needing/desiring to ‘win’ and be ‘right’ as I experienced within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become tempted to compete in the game of the survival of the fittest ego, which is a game of intimidation, polarity and manipulation, a game which has no meaning and no end, and which only creates conflict between peers and time loops to be lived out again as a waste of time and thus a waste of Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second of my Life by trying to compete against another’s ego, within and as my ego, instead of standing up as all  as one as equal as Life Here, within the cooperation, support, listening/hearing, respect, dignity and integrity that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up due to fear of embarrassment, instead of embracing myself as Life wherein I accept me no matter what mistakes I experience  in front of a groups, because I understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn and change and improve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the emotional energetic experience of fear, anger and competition against another instead of asserting myself within awareness, wherein it is very clear why and how this behavior is abusive, and why and how I will not stand for/as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe another human being is superior to me because he/she displays more conviction, wherein one is a CONVICT of vIctory Over aNother. This is not equality. This is what, in a billion little ways, creates a world of inequality, and I STOP myself from participating within and as this behavior in my daily life, so as not to pass it along or perpetuate in even one of the billion little ways, so that I can be one part of the change we need to be to change our nature and thus, change our reality to one that supports instead of destroys Life.

I commit myself to STOP participating in the behavior of survival, competition, and inferiority/superiority that has thus far been the nature that I have consciously or subconsciously accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, as ‘human nature’ which we learn/create/pass on from generation to generation and perpetuate through our economic system, consumerism, education, religion and most all man(mind)-made systems within which we exist and collectively participate in today.

I commit myself to stop my participation within the indulgence of the mind in emotional and feeling energy that I have become addicted to, and to instead stand up from within that in order to function as a part of the actual physical reality we all share HERE and NOT in my mind where only I exist.

I commit myself to eradicate from myself, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, the emotions, feeling, ideas and beliefs (etc…) that overwhelm me and cause me to shake, until I am stable, Here, and able to breathe through these reactions in order that I may see a situation with clarity, practicality and understanding, and direct myself according to what is best for all, and not what is best for ego.

I commit myself to understanding myself so that I may direct myself within equality and oneness, and not fear the unknown parts of my mind that cause me to not trust me.

I commit myself to walk into the darkness that I am in order that I may not fear me, but may instead expose me to myself and change that which is not aligned to what’s best for all until my living, breathing actions and words are a statement and a living application of equality and oneness wherein I allow myself to be the hearing/listening, seeing, understanding being of dignity, integrity and respect that I Am.

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear, anger or inferiority with another being in some kind of confrontation I STOP, and I breathe until the energy is gone. I direct myself to take a step back from the situation in order that I may see clearly the actual reality of what is going on and what my role is within it. I direct myself to either stop my participation, or to act, wherein my actions are based on what’s best for all within the practical limitations of this physical reality.

Day 11- EgoManiac Goes on the ATTACK... ends up greatly humbled

There are several if not many things that hit me where it hurts. Two of them were placed in my face today and I stood there and fought for my limitations. One is dancing- I suck at it and I feel judged when I do it. The second is working out, it’s hard and I don’t want to do it. The truth is this is my ego that judges itself and doesn’t want to work hard, and so the underlying truth is that I have resistances towards these things which I have created for myself- which aren’t even real. But the point of this blog is not the fact that I believe I can’t dance or will work out later, the point is the fight I had in me when someone tried to challenge my ego by questioning my reasoning.

            Luckily I am becoming more and more familiar with self-honesty, so as I stood there feeling increasingly constricted in my chest and super rigid and defensive, I kept telling myself, this is not true, this is not who I am. What I observed within myself was like, I scarcely had control over myself in the way I wanted to argue and defend myself- but it wasn’t even me, it was these beliefs I had created that have defined me, which I clung to for security because if I were to let them go, or to admit they weren’t real, I would have to face myself: My fear of dancing which is just my self-judgment. My resistance to working out, which is just my resistance to pushing myself. I obviously can ‘get over’ these hang-ups I have, there’s nothing stopping me from that, so everything that I was arguing was an excuse. In the end I had to swallow my ego and my pride and own up to the fact that I was justifying my limitations with excuses so as not to have to face me.

            Thankfully I did not continue arguing as I was using self-honesty to observe what was going on inside of me in terms of my reactions and emotions I could see how easily this type of thing can escalate. I saw myself trying or wanting to get mad, to fight tooth and nail to be right, even though I KNEW I was not. I was talking to someone who does not put up with my bullshit excuses, so he was not backing down either. In the end I had to admit to myself that I was limiting myself by believing my beliefs to be real, which is an interesting observation because it is an experience with which I can probably relate to adamantly religious people or ‘love and light’ spiritualists, or anyone who defines themselves and their existence upon belief systems. Believing in something faith-based while the actual physical evidence is telling something different can be a tough pill to swallow, because taking comfort in beliefs and then defining oneself by them will cause one to fight tooth and nail to not have to face the possibility that the belief isn’t real, because then the only thing left is facing yourself. When I swallowed my ego and my pride a funny thing happened, after a small inner tantrum which manifested in tears at my final ‘giving up’ on my ego’s argument, I felt more stable, I felt more Able, I felt like I could breathe again and like I could now take forward steps and start working on these areas of my life. I was humbled, which is always cool.

            So there it is- blind faith, existent within ME. I always considered myself a skeptic, but it appears I have placed blind faith in my beliefs about myself rather than beliefs outside of me such as in a god or deity or whatever. It’s different, yet at the same time it is exactly the same. Blind is blind, faith is faith. I remind myself to base my definition of myself only upon that which is Here, real, physical, which I have proven to myself through writing and application. Otherwise I will limit myself by beliefs, or believe myself to be something I am not, which is ego, and which sets me up for a great fall.

            In the end we made up. Thankfully I have been learning about and practicing the tools of self-forgiveness together with self-honesty, because without them this would have been a fight. It could have been a nasty one too. Instead it ended in a more intimate understanding of each other, a hug and a serious lesson for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ego, within and as the self-limiting beliefs that I use to define myself in order to keep myself down, trapped and enslaved to my mind of judgment, instead of unconditionally living and constantly pushing myself to test the boundaries of my limitations so that I can see, within this lifetime, just how far I can go and what I am capable of because otherwise, what is the point of living? Within this, of course remain the principles of oneness and equality. Just because I was born into a life where I get to experiment with ‘unconditional living’ while millions starve does not give me the right to indulge my every whim and fancy as I ‘push myself to test the boundaries of my limitations,’ the focus, starting point and raison d’etre of realizing oneself as Life, is realizing Life as oneself. Therefore we have aresponsibility to Life. We have a responsibility to ourselves first, to stop our own self-enslavement to the thoughts, patterns, emotions, reaction, judgments etc…, in order that we may stand up to stop the enslavement of all by this economic system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations, especially because I am aware of this behavior, and especially because, even as the words left my mouth, I knew what I was doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my anger outwards at the individual whom I was arguing with, instead of realizing that that anger was only all about me, as I was/am angry with myself for limiting myself, for believing my self-created limitations, and for arguing for them. The only way to release this anger is to stop creating it, by not participating in this behavior again. I can use ‘red flags’ to warn myself that I am starting to participate in such behavior, such as getting defensive and feeling my chest tightening, feeling picked on, feeling attacked, feeling what seems like an uncontrollable desire to use ridiculous excuses to defend myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue participating in self-limiting behavior which makes me angry, but not angry enough to actually change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for myself to become ‘angry enough’ before changing me, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist facing me by arguing for my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ego to be me and to be real or who I really am, instead of realizing that this would be an extremely limited and enslaved existence, whereas living humbly as no-better-or-worse-than, and ‘a part of’ what is Here is expansive (as opposed to living in my own little separate bubble of an ego which is all that I know).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my internal feeling experience as an indicator of whether I am right or wrong instead of realizing I am in a reaction and thus taking a step back and looking at the situation in its entirety and seeing the opportunity which is presenting itself for me to choose Life and expansion over ego and limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become controlled by my internal experience because it seems so real and right and overpowering when I know it is not right and I know that I have a choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base right and wrong upon internal experiences felt by nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into my own little ego bubble where I can be right just because I feel something inside of me, inside my skull-sized kingdom where I am not usually challenged, but when I am, I fight tooth and nail to be right, instead laying down my arms and facing me in equality, where I don’t become defensive because there’s nothing to defend, it’s either change, or stay limited. The only things that need to be defended and get defensive about are the things we justify when we know they are ‘wrong as in not real, not who we really are. Otherwise there would be no reaction.

I see, realize and understand that I there is no point in defending myself as ego because if I choose that route I will never have a stable leg to stand on.

I realize that if I am walking one and equal to myself then I will not get defensive and reactive, I only become these things when I am in ego, justifying my inferiority/superiority, limitation/beliefs etc…

I realize that the only way to see a situation for what it really is, is if I first make sure I’m not in a reactive state when I look at it.

I realize that how I feel inside does not dictate ‘right’ and ‘wrong.’

I realize that I always have the choice of self-direction, even when I feel like I’m in a fight for my life, only the ego has to fight for survival, Life does not need to prove its existence.

I realize that living within and as ego is an extremely limited and limiting existence which places me at the mercy of an endless imagination of fears, judgments, guilt, anxiety and all the other tricks of the mind that are self-created and not real in any way whatsoever, but which become real as we live them by participating in them.

I see, realize and understand that my anger is only about me, and it is a valuable tool for me to use in situations where I am absolutely fed up and need a push to move me from my comfort zone of habits and patterns to walk as self-directive principle into the unknown of actual living.

I commit myself to face me in every breath, Here.

I commit myself to change the things in me that I cannot accept by directing myself to write myself out and write self-corrective statements which I can practically apply and live in my daily life.

I commit myself to stop creating myself, my world and my reality according to the thoughts, feelings and emotions, validations, justifications, reactions and beliefs of the mind and to instead live Here, as an equal, one with what is Here as we all come from the same earth.

When I see myself going into the reaction of defensiveness I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that I am accepting and allowing my ego to emerge as me and I have a choice. I direct myself to choose life, and to swallow my pride and live equal and one with me, so that I can live equal and one with everybody and all that’s Here.

Also Check out how to practically establish a stable relationship in Failed Relationships

Day 4- Putting Others Out - Am I Worthy?

Today I had to run all over the city collecting receipts for income tax purposes because the lady at H&RBlock told me I could get money back if I had saved them. But I found when I set out today that I had resistances to going to all the places to ask them to dig up my file and reprint my receipts. I had resistances to this because I was going to have to ask them to do me a favour. I didn’t have anything to offer them in return except a ‘thank you,’ so it’s like, kind of a self-worth thing because I didn’t feel worthy of them having to put themselves out to do me that favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy of someone else’s time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a pattern of inferiority when I need something from another, such as a favour, because that means I cannot ‘do it on my own’ which I have equated to strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘strength’ to doing everything by myself, and using that as an excuse to not have to face the fact that I go into inferiority when I have to ask for help. In other words, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing my accepted and allowed pattern of inferiority by creating the belief that it’s ‘weak’ to ask for help, and ‘strong’ to do it on one’s own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for help due to my self-judgment that it is weak to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs to use to sabotage myself through avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and integrate into myself, the belief that it is weak to ask for help or a favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I am less-than those that are able to help me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘vulnerable’ when I have to ask for help or a favour because it places another in a position to deny me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I am denied that which I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that when I am denied something, it is because I am not worthy of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the inferiority I allow myself to participate in onto people and situations wherein I am denied something I want or need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that when people choose not to help me out it’s because they don’t like me, or don’t like the sight of me or because I am not worthy.

I accept and allow myself to value myself as worthy simply because I  exist as Life, equal to all Life, as all Life has equal worth.

I accept and allow myself to be and become worthy and worthiness as the value that I am as Life.

When I see myself going into inferiority, specifically when I have to ask for help, assistance or a favour, I stop, and I breathe. I stand up as myself as self-worth within the understanding and realization that I am of equal worth to all Life, and it cannot be otherwise. And if I see myself reacting to someone wherein I project that I am ‘putting them out’ because they seem irritate or angry, I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that they too are my equal, and equal to all that is here as well.