Friday, April 20, 2012

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.

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