I am on the ‘downside’
of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last
4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely
really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went
through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I
could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill
just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much
every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have
exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so
blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart
and work towards stopping it altogether.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in energetic highs, wherein I become
all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’
experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last
forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond
a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash
such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to
see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession,
and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate
within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of
them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a
crash which really fucks with me. I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl
through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the
smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted
and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my
entire day.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to
realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing
what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are
self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed
through- will allow me to expend and grow.
When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in
a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the
realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to
push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in
order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am
facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task
I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is
clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order
to complete the task.
I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I
will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m
daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.
I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I
have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and
to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support
myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.
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