Yesterday
I worked at a bar. I fill in there from time-to-time. I got some attention for
my physical appearance because, I guess that is what bars and alcohol are all
about, sex and seduction and people trying to get laid. I understand that more
now, but I still participated and I still had reactions. I felt embarrassed by
it, then I went into ego, then I went into the polarity of feeling degraded.
The pattern I want to reveal today is the lingering effect that this experience
has upon me. Which is the desire to be seen as beautiful.
Today,
when I was getting from my house to downtown, I took public transport. I found
myself feeling like I needed to look good in the presence of the public. I
found myself being tempted to look in the reflections of windows, and when I
accepted and allowed myself to fall for this I notice now, looking back on it,
that I would go from feeling like I looked good, to finding every little flaw
and feeling self-conscious.
As a woman, I have learned to place importance on beauty. Men have it too-
feeling they need to look handsome, macho, manly- whatever. But I have learned
and taught myself to believe that it is important to look my best-to take what
I have and try to enhance it to achieve ‘beauty’. But what I’ve realized is
that when I accept and allow this whole ‘beauty’ construct into my life- it
only brings instability, ego, judgment and complexes. I go from feeling
‘beautiful’ and confident, and then maybe I’ll see a woman who I think is more
beautiful’ and I’ll feel jealous and then inferior. I’ll start judging myself
and it just goes on and on, back and forth, up and down. It’s completely
bi-polar and I’m really just sick of it. It’s not worth it to put myself
through all of that just to achieve this attempt at some standard of beauty
which , really is never good enough. I always end up feeling like shit later,
and feel like I need to do all sorts of things to enhance my appearance again.
I mean, that’s why people do all the things like fake nails and tanning and
makeup and working out and hair products- to enhance themselves because they
don’t feel good enough. Fuck that. I’m ready to let that all go and finally
just accept myself so that I can focus on building dignity and integrity as a
human being instead of spending all that time concentrating on ‘how I feel
about how I look.’
In order to accept myself I need to continue working on those things I cannot
accept, which are things that may affect my physical appearance. For example-
if you quit drinking, cut out sugar, don’t over eat, do fun things that move
your body, concentrate on eliminating stress, anxiety etc… you may end up
looking better as a consequence. But it is from a starting point of caring for
yourself in every way, and not from the narrow starting point of enhancing
beauty. When I look in the mirror, what I want to see reflected to me is
self-love and self-acceptance. A body that is cared for, treated gratefully as
an equal to me, not as something that I believes lacks something, is not good
enough and and that needs to be enhanced by all sorts of activities and makeup
and fake things. I want to see a body that is not abused by vices, addictions,
insecurities, bad habits or neglect, but one that gets what it needs
because I am a being that considers my physical reality and is committed to
being aware of what I need and how I can practically give it to myself.
But I’m not there yet, and the first step I can take right now is to continue
unlearning this pattern of the desire for beauty, which has been with me, as
me, destabilizing me and fucking me up for long enough. I’ve had it, again, I’m
going to write it out again, expose it again, and I’ll will do it again and
again until it’s done. I commit to ridding myself of the plague of beauty, it
has done enough harm and I will not accept it as me anymore. I commit myself to
exposing this to myself and writing it out till I change.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be beautiful.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy my mind and thoughts with
self-judgments, jealousies, superiority/inferiority and comparison in relation
to the physical appearance of beauty,’ instead of directing my focus and
attention on the present moment, directing myself within the reality of
Hereness.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind within and
as the polarity thoughts of beauty, which bounce me back and forth, up and
down, instead of stopping and realizing this mechanic, robotic preprogrammed
game that’s not even real.
When I see
myself going into thoughts and reactions in relation to ‘beauty’ I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization and
understanding that the whole beauty game Is not real, it’s not life, and it
only serves to preoccupy and destabilize. Within this realization I
remind myself that in order to accept myself as a whole being, I cannot hold
onto thoughts of beauty which require me to enhance me, making the statement
that I am missing something or I lack.
I allow
myself to let go of the idea or ideal of beauty that I have built and
constructed over the years and applied to myself. I t does not serve me, it
only brings me up and down, back and forth and around in endless repeating
cycles that I’m fed up with and I refuse to continue my participation within
them. I stop this pattern.
I allow
myself to check myself out in the mirror to make sure that my outfit/hair etc…
looks cool, practical/together, and not to judge myself and make attempts to
enhance my physical appearance in order to ‘feel beautiful’ in public, which
inevitably leads me to feel ugly at some later point.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to place any worth or importance on my
physical appearance, and I realize instead that the value and importance is
with my physical condition and my starting point within what I do to/for me and
how I behave to/towards me. That is a starting point of self-acceptance, which
includes changing the things I cannot accept, and self-love, which includes an
absolute consideration for my physical body and it’s functions, rather than a
judgment upon its appearance.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited or thrilled by the
prospect of ‘beauty’ or being seen as ‘beautiful’. This is a learned behavior
that does not serve me. This is an endless chase with no reward, it is a
polarity construct that perpetuates itself by binging me through ‘downs’ that
lead me to desire ‘ups’, and ‘ups’ that I use to allow me to fear ‘downs’.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that, if I don’t look my best.
People will judge me and think that I’m lazy or sloppy.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that not looking my best
involves instead being lazy or sloppy, instead of realizing that not concerning
myself with ‘beauty’ does not mean I stop concerning myself with myself, or to
stop caring.. It is the opposite- stopping my participation in this beauty
construct allows me to finally really care for myself in reality, not just as
thoughts in my mind, which only care about how I feel about
myself, and not how I treat myself, compose myself and create myself.
I forgive
myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to treat my body as equal to and
one with me, and instead to treat it as though it is a slow and cumbersome
thing that cannot keep up with my mind, an uncooperative thing that does not do
as I say, or an inferior thing that is not good enough for my standards.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself
within and through separating my mind from my physical body through
participation within and as ‘beauty’ such as judgment,
inferiority/superiority, comparison, and all the thoughts, feelings and
emotions that are derived from a concern with beauty.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn and create ‘beauty’, an
image of ‘beauty’ and ‘beauty’ as an entity in my mind, wherein I have copy and
pasted images and ideas from society, culture, television, movies and magazines
and people, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed them to
influence me and effect who and how I am in my world and reality.
I forgive
myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the con of ‘beauty’,
and to fall for the game of ‘beauty’ thus preoccupying, distracting and
entertaining myself with fantasies and projections that aren’t even real,
instead of directing myself Here, from moment to moment without the influence
of myself as the mind.
Instead, I
allow myself to consider my body in every breath, to exist within and as my
body, thus considering its needs, its movement, its capabilities and its
presence.
I allow
myself to be patient with my physical body within the realization that I am
dependent upon it, and within this, I accept and allow myself to be grateful
for my physical body/existence which, without it, I would not be here.
When I go
into separation of myself from my physical I stop, and I breathe. I ask myself:
If I am not able to be one with and equal to myself in this way, how can I
expect to treat another as one with and equal to me, or how can I claim I care
for another as me, if I do not unconditionally care for/about myself in every
moment. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding and
realization that if I am not able to stop this obsession with beauty as
separation, then I will not be able to expand and grow, but will rather be a
perpetual pawn in an endless cycle of polarity.
See also:
Limitation according to body appearance –
Day 5 (by Maya H)
and
Sex - Day 13+14 (also by Maya) This
one is awesome!
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