Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 6 - Numb to Reality

            In six days I’ve gone up and come back down, and now I’m in some kind of weird numbness-limbo state in which I feel lost and directionless. Except this time it may have more to do with my current reality/situation. I’ m about to move away again and last time this happened I went numb as well. I thought I wasn’t feeling anything last time either, but then I started crying right before I went to get into the car. I remember right before that, when I was having breakfast, my whole face felt so heavy, yet I’m so used to suppressing my emotions that I didn’t even realize I was sad. The sadness comes from regret.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a back seat when I could have stood up as myself as life in moments where I instead allowed fear and ‘old habits’ direct me instead of directing myself Here as Life.

These ‘old habits’ are suppression and introversion, wherein I internalize everything in moments of fear. I commit mself to pushing though the fear of self-expression, bit by bit by bit until I’m able to express me without being influenced by fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to walk without certainty, without direction, aimlessly while occupied and entertained by my backchat, fantasies, ego and imagination while in reality I was/am stagnating and accumulating consequences and not Living.

I commit myself to work on self-direction, wherein I stick to my principles as goals, by making practical goals and then working towards them by taking practical steps in the Hereness of each moment, because that is the only place that I move me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to waste time not living due to fear, patterns and habits instead of fearlessly living Life as an equal, and one with the substance that is Here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself, in my Hereness and my real actual living presence, and instead I abdicate myself to my past, and limit myself based on the beliefs I hold onto that are based on past memories and experiences, and limit and contain myself within ego, believing myself to be that and only that.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge others and to diminish others through my judgment of them without considering their entire situation and the process they have been through to get there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and diminish myself through judging others, and not bringing it back to myself, but separating myself from others by judging them and believing my judgments to be real instead of realizing/remembering that the only judgment is self-judgment, and that which I judge in others is what I am refusing to look at and acknowledge within myself.

I commit myself to live without judgment, and to instead use judgment as an indicator of whatI judge within me, so that I may forgive it and change it or stop it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed stress and anxiety to exist within and as me, wherein I participated in the mind of stress and anxiety to the point of destructiveness, towards myself and my relationships with those around me. In this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow frustrated, angry and annoyed by others when I lack self-direction and within and through that, I create stress and anxiety within me over time, but blame others for it in the moments when others enter my world when I am stressed or anxious.
I commit myself to taking full responsibility for that which I am and participate within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recoil in fear instead of standing as Life when things are tense, stressful or intense, wherein I become reactive instead of directing myself through the experience without participating in that which gives me the excuse to react.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into ego around others instead of facing myself as them as equals, such as listening with absolute openness and without reactions, thoughts or judgments, understanding each is in their own process, and allowing myself to be okay with that and comfortable with that without feeling responsible for others in terms of guilt or a savior complex. I allow myself to simply listen and hear and grasp and understand because I am Here with many many other beings, equal and one.

These are the things I regret in my final days in this place. I understand that regret is the result of not standing and not living fully present and aware in every moment, and is the result of letting go, because the egoic projections were not met, and thus the ego has lost the game of imaginary winners.

I allow myself to take the lessons and mistakes from these past two years, and carry them with me until I have walked them through in their entirety, so that I may not repeat them again, but instead learn from them what it is I need to do/change, where it is necessary for me to direct, what I must forgive, and which actions will lead to a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to standing and creating a world that’s best for all in every moment of breath, starting with the smallest things and my immediate relationships, because that is where I am so that is where I need to start.
I commit myself to hearing/listening/understanding people in my world, so that I may develop relationship of equality with them within self-honesty and presence that I may lead by example in my words and my world.

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