One of the most empowering things I
have learned through studying DIP is the fact that nothing we feel is a result
of anybody else’s doing but our own, and nothing we judge has anything to do
with whom we are judging, rather, it has very much to do with what we are
avoiding in ourselves. These realizations saved me today as I walked a shaky
path of overwhelming reactions.
It is my time of the month, so to
speak, so I’m emotional, angry, insecure, crabby, and all those fun things. It
still catches me off guard sometimes when I get like this, but then I realize ‘oh
ya, it’s just my period.’ However, one’s menstrual cycle does not magically
manifest insecurity, resentment, anger and all those things. They are already
existent within, and for me, it is a monthly occurrence that they tend to once
in a while, knock me off my feet.
Today I went into these kinds of
reactions, wherein at one point all I could do was close my eyes and breathe until I
calmed me down. I couldn’t speak self-forgiveness out loud because I was in the
car with someone and they would probably think I was crazy. But I have, in
moments, spoken self-forgiveness out loud during a reaction and it was amazing
the way I could literally pull myself up and out of the reaction and back into
full control of myself and my day.
Anyways, I will write out the main point from today, which
was backchat, so that I may get a grip.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have
secret mind thoughts about another being in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my true self to
emerge in sneaky and secretive ways in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat
patterns of abuse wherein I blame another for my own lack of
self-responsibility and inability to face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame
towards another for me not being able to do what I want, when I see, realize and
understand that the point is fear of confrontation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
facing another being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
what another may think about me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect
my own self-judgment off of other beings in my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another
instead of looking at myself and what I’m not facing within me, because the
only judgment is self-judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
resentful towards another being because I have used blame for things that I am
responsible for but abdicated to that person, thus giving my power away to
him/her and then resenting him/her for it, instead of taking responsibility for
myself and taking my power back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate within and as blame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate within and as resentment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
blame is real, implying that someone else can have an actual influence in my
internal experience of myself, instead of realizing it’s all me, and instead of
taking the actions I need to take in order to deal with and face my true self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another’s
appearance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place
value on the picture presentation of other beings instead of valuing them for
who they are as life, equal and one with me and with all that’s here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
insecure around another because of the self-judgment I exist within and as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist
within and as self-judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
placing everything and all of me on the line in every moment, due to fear and
fear of judgment, and then blaming and resenting another for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and
become enslaved by fear and fear of judgment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to
accept myself in every moment.
When and as I see that I am participating in secret mind
thoughts about another, I immediately STOP, and breathe. I bring myself back to
awareness within the understanding that backchat is an act of abdication of
self-responsibility and is therefore abusive and diminishing to myself and the
other. I take note of that which I am backchatting about so that I may look for
where it is in myself in order to write it out and forgive it.
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