Day 19 - Jealousy is a Bitch

            Today I am looking at jealousy. Although it has not been a prevalent point for me recently, it certainly has been in the past, which I will bring Here and forgive. It also emerges from time to time within me, mildly, and today I reacted to it, which means that I accepted and allowed jealousy to influence me, which is not acceptable as it is of separation, comparison, inferiority/superiority and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe jealousy exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing jealousy to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within jealousy when I am in situations where someone else is chosen over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that a choice is being made regarding my worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-pity and victimized when I am jealous, as a form of self-manipulation so that I don’t have to face the fact that I’m only jealous because I’ve separated myself from my worth/value, and placed it outside of and separate from me, and have based it on the decisions/behavior/choices etc… of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as of little worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as inferiority when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to participate within and as self-pity and victimization instead of standing up as myself as a whole self-directive being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the energetic experience of spite when I experience jealousy within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate those around me into choosing me as a reaction to the experience of jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to change myself in order to be/become a ‘better competitor’ when and as I experience jealousy.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting myself unconditionally, and therefor manifesting the experience of jealousy when I think/believe/perceive I have lost some kind of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘boring’ and ‘no fun’ when others gather together and I remain alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project others judging me when they are together and I am not there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I’m missing out on something important when others are gathered and ‘going out’ and I choose to remain alone at home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to my experience of jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to jealousy because I perceive I have ‘lost’ some competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing’ with ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘losing’ and from ‘embarrassment’ by defining the word ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’ in separation of myself.

I commit myself to exposing any and all jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rescript myself without jealousy, as jealousy has no place in my life and does not serve me.

When I as I see that I am going into an experience of jealousy, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am a whole self-directive being who’s value/worth are not found in competition outside of me, but within the unconditional self-acceptance I allow myself to be.

Day 13- Secret Thoughts From My Evil Mind

          One of the most empowering things I have learned through studying DIP is the fact that nothing we feel is a result of anybody else’s doing but our own, and nothing we judge has anything to do with whom we are judging, rather, it has very much to do with what we are avoiding in ourselves. These realizations saved me today as I walked a shaky path of overwhelming reactions.

It is my time of the month, so to speak, so I’m emotional, angry, insecure, crabby, and all those fun things. It still catches me off guard sometimes when I get like this, but then I realize ‘oh ya, it’s just my period.’ However, one’s menstrual cycle does not magically manifest insecurity, resentment, anger and all those things. They are already existent within, and for me, it is a monthly occurrence that they tend to once in a while, knock me off my feet.

Today I went into these kinds of reactions, wherein at one point all I could do was close my eyes and breathe until I calmed me down. I couldn’t speak self-forgiveness out loud because I was in the car with someone and they would probably think I was crazy. But I have, in moments, spoken self-forgiveness out loud during a reaction and it was amazing the way I could literally pull myself up and out of the reaction and back into full control of myself and my day.

Anyways, I will write out the main point from today, which was backchat, so that I may get a grip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have secret mind thoughts about another being in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my true self to emerge in sneaky and secretive ways in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat patterns of abuse wherein I blame another for my own lack of self-responsibility and inability to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame towards another for me not being able to do what I want, when I see, realize and understand that the point is fear of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what another may think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my own self-judgment off of other beings in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another instead of looking at myself and what I’m not facing within me, because the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel resentful towards another being because I have used blame for things that I am responsible for but abdicated to that person, thus giving my power away to him/her and then resenting him/her for it, instead of taking responsibility for myself and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe blame is real, implying that someone else can have an actual influence in my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing it’s all me, and instead of taking the actions I need to take in order to deal with and face my true self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another’s appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on the picture presentation of other beings instead of valuing them for who they are as life, equal and one with me and with all that’s here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become insecure around another because of the self-judgment I exist within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing everything and all of me on the line in every moment, due to fear and fear of judgment, and then blaming and resenting another for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become enslaved by fear and fear of judgment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself in every moment.

When and as I see that I am participating in secret mind thoughts about another, I immediately STOP, and breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that backchat is an act of abdication of self-responsibility and is therefore abusive and diminishing to myself and the other. I take note of that which I am backchatting about so that I may look for where it is in myself in order to write it out and forgive it.