Thursday, April 26, 2012

Day 10- Getting Others to Justify My Self-Abuse

While interacting with another person I had to use extreme self-honesty to see what I was up to within my communication with the person. I was talking about my ‘issues’ which I have been alone with for quite some time now, in which I had no reference point but my writing, which I was doing but I was ‘skirting’ the main issues. As I kept it all ‘to myself’ these points built up inside of me. One was guilt about something in my life, which was ‘weighing me down,’ another was fear, of an upcoming event that I have to wait for, the outcome of which will have big implications in my life. I was full of reasons to ‘feel bad’ and to not be present in the moment but to instead worry and torment myself about these ‘big issues’ that were bothering me.

I’m fortunate enough to have someone in my life right now who I can talk to about this stuff and who will not put up with my bullshit as excuses or justifications as to why I ‘should’ be feeling bad, living with anxieties and fears etc… when I know better. He kept calling me out and it was awesome, he was right. I had a lot of resistances to what he was saying, so I knew he was hitting all the right spots. But I found myself, in moments of unawareness, attempting to manipulate him, explain and justify myself and my reasoning for why I was feeling certain ways about certain things. I was fighting for myself to feel like shit, and I was trying to convince him so that he would agree and I would be justified. That is messed up, this is obviously a very destructive pattern which justifies an existence of guilt, fear and anxiety for me. No thanks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the manipulations of myself and another being in order to justify, excuse and validate my energetic emotional experiences of guilt, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think/believe/perceive my external reality to be ‘too big,’ and ‘beyond my control,’ thus allowing myself to be and become absolutely disempowered by it, thus enslaving myself to my external reality instead of walking through situations step by step, directing myself within self-honesty and honouring myself until I am through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the energetic emotional experiences of fear, guilt and anxiety due to situations beyond my control, thus allowing my internal experience to seem ‘beyond my control,’ which it is absolutely not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others to justify the perception, idea or belief that my internal experience is beyond my control, thus abdicating my self-responsibility to direct myself, my world and my internal experience in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me within seemingly overwhelming situations instead of realizing that the ‘overwhelming’ feeling is my own creation, it is not necessary, and it is within my power to remain stable as I walk through any situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others by using manipulation to justify my ‘misery’ instead of calling myself out and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in manipulation, justification, excuses and validation of my reactions to events that are taking place outside of me.

I realize I am fully responsible for my internal experience, and that includes maintaining self-honesty and self-movement within and through all events in life, no matter how seemingly overwhelming or ‘big’ or ‘bad’ or ‘serious’, because no matter what happens, I remain.

I realize that I am completely capable of taking my power back from outside events and directing myself breath by breath through situations or events in life.

I realize that I am capable of remaining self-honest when communicating with other human beings, and that it is abusive to myself and the other when I attempt to manipulate the conversation to justify my participation in emotions such as fear guilt and anxiety. Why would I want to justify and validate that anyways? It’s crazy.

When I see myself going into justifications, validation and excuses when in conversation with another about my emotions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that justification, validation and excuses only serve to disempower me from actually directing myself within and as my world. I stop my participation and allow myself to realize that which I am feeling does not serve me, and I breathe until the energetic experience of ‘wanting to be right’ passes so that I can instead see the situation as something that I can navigate through by directing myself in sef-honesty.

I commit myself to self-honesty by not participating in the self-dishonest act of justifying, validating and making excuses for myself to not face me.

I commit myself to reclaim my power, which I have given away to external events which are beyond my control by reacting to them in energetic emotion al experiences instead of directing myself through them as stability.

I commit myself to directing myself through events in life within and as stability as self-honesty as life.

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