Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Day 31- Quitting Love- No Sense of Self

            This blog post is a continuation of my post titled “What is Left After Love?” As I continue to walk through letting go of my addiction to ‘love,’ which extends beyond only relationship/romantic ‘love,’ to all forms of what I believed and had defined myself according to what I thought was ‘love.’ It’s not love, and I don’t know what to call the experience I used to define as ‘love.’ It was an experience I would create within me, a positive energetic experience that I sought in all relationships, which I completely compromised myself in order to obtain from these relationships, based on feedback which I would interpret and then react to within myself as the experience  of ‘love.’

            But, as I said, it was not love. It was absolute disregard for Who I Really Am, which, leaves me feeling just kind of empty and lost. But at some core place within me, I’m okay. It’s similar to when I quit weed and alcohol, wherein, because I was not receiving the ‘highs,’ I immediately wanted to interpret the experience as a ‘low,' wherein I was left feeling like, "what do I do now."  But then I slowly realized that “I’m okay,” “I’m still Here.”
  Yet, I am not completely Here, as I must quit and let go of all my inner energetic feeling and emotional experiences because now I see them for what they are: absolute self-compromise. The crazy thing is, looking back, it’s like I knew it all along. I was aware of every time I manipulated, converted and contorted myself to fit a role, gain an experience, or please myself or another. Every time I diminished myself, went into superiority or lied to myself about who I was… I knew. And I still know.

            So, now the decision has to be made: who will I be? I guess that’s the big question. In looking for an answer to that question, I look to the only thing that has been consistent, supportive and unconditional, which is my breath and my physical body. These are ‘parts of’ me that have never abused or compromised me. Only myself as my mind has done that. I’m like this little passenger in this vessel, and the vessel has been my life-support, but my whole life I have judged it, abused it (literally), been ashamed of it, or flaunted it as if it were my possession. It is not my possession, it is all that I am, thus, it is so much greater than me as a passenger, who has not honoured it.  Yet it is absolutelyequal to all other physical substance that’s Here. That is a concept that we passengers find hard to grasp, because we so badly want to be the stars of the show and have it be ‘all about us.’ But we are absolutely dependent upon our vessels, and in fact, they are the only thing that is real about any of us.

            So, forgiveness on this point is at the same time long overdue and only possible now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and abuse myself as my physical body, as I as ‘the passenger’ as my mind took absolute control and subjugated my body instead of realizing it is/was the only thing about me that has ever been real.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to honour my body in/for every moment that it has unconditionally supported me, which is in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I as a mind am/was the star of the show, that my internal experience of myself was all that mattered, and then judged my body as ‘less than, ‘shameful,’ and ‘imperfect.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that my physical body is perfect, because it is exactly what it is supposed to be- physical matter/substance, and the only imperfections are those which I have caused due to abuse over time, conditioning and habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also have participated within the polarity of judging my body as ‘beautiful,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘seductive,’ etc… and then limited myself by defining myself according to these judgments, judgments which shifted and changed from day to day, thus causing me to experience ups and downs, and instead of stopping my participation within these polarity cycles, I blamed my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body for my negative internal experiences, wherein I would cause myself to pump myself full of chemicals associated with shame and self-loathing, causing my body to endure such chemical and energetic rushes which takes away from it as it I abused it to support my fleeting emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my physical body as I slowly accept and allow myself to waste away, instead of realizing that I was wasting the only thing I ever really was for that which I never really was, which is experience- fleeting and limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose that which I never really had, for that which I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value that which destroys me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be that which destroys me, so thoroughly that I became it, and thus continued to destroy me, as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to believe, and to base who I am upon beliefs and ideas, ideals and fantasy, instead of looking at the actual reality that is Here, wherein it is all so obvious and the evidence and signs of it are everywhere, yet in it, as it, I couldn’t see it.

When and as I see myself looking for experience out of fear of ‘not knowing what else to do,’ ‘who to be,’ or ‘who I am without roles,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am still okay, I am still Here, and I will always have me, within and as each breath. I remind myself that it’s okay to not know who/how to be, and it’s better to do nothing than to try/attempt to be what I’m not for the sake of experience.
I commit myself to continue opening my eyes, and to teach myself about that which is actually Here, by looking, seeing, realizing and understanding, and giving myself the platform of self-support that can provide through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walking this process into the physical, because now I truly see what a sham it all is/was/has been and will continue to be if we keep on ‘living’ the way we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to love.

I commit myself to honour and move within and as my physical body in every moment of breath.
I remind myself:

One step at a time

I am Here

In every moment

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