Monday, May 28, 2012

Day 30- Using LOVE as a DRUG

            I used love as a drug. It picked me up when I was down, it made me feel secure when I felt insecure, it assured me I was beautiful when I was certain I was ugly, I used it because I did not love myself, I used it when something bad happened during the day that made me feel guilty, bad, inferior or taken advantage of. I used love to complete me, because I allowed myself to be un-whole. I used it to boost my ego, and I used it to boost the ego of another, to keep him addicted, so that he would never ever leave me.

The only thing I didn’t use love for, was to support myself, to love myself, to complete myself, to stand up for myself, and to console myself. I abused the drug of love, and now I am half a person.

I used to think it was romantic, to say I am half of something, ‘he completes me,’ ‘I’m his,’ and stuff like that. But seriously, do I really want someone to own me? Do I really want to do that to another? The whole ownership aspect, to me, stems only from security issues, wherein one does not feel one could handle life, the world, the day without one’s partner. Do I really want to be ‘half’ of something, wherein I am left un-whole if he leaves? If he finds another love am I then just left to flounder as I have not developed a whole self to support myself with through life? That is NOT what I would prefer. If I were to say ‘he completes me,’ that is equivalent to the statement that I do not complete myself: that there are parts of me that I’m just not going to work on or try to change, because those are now his responsibilities.

Usually at the beginning of relationships, we don’t advertise that we are un-whole, needy and dependent beings searching for completion and security. We instead project an image of ourselves as complete, confident, independent, and ‘happy’- perfect for a healthy partnership. Conversely, if we show our neediness, insecurity, and dependency, we will then attract a mate who is looking to fulfill us because they cannot fulfill themselves, or someone who is looking for something safe, due to their own insecurities, and they may then project themselves as dependable, confident, secure etc…  What if we were completely self-honest with each other upon initiation into a relationship, wherein we would state our list of needs from the get go? “You need to be able to make me feel secure within myself. I also require constant approval and validation. You will also need to let go of your goals and dreams, and create new goals and dreams which I approve of, otherwise I will not feel loved.” OR, “I require you to depend on me completely, so that I can create for myself an image of dependability. I will also require you to need me constantly so that, no matter how much I judge you or how I treat you, I know you will never leave me, so that I may feel safe and secure…” and so on.

Good luck with that.

 And it is mostly luck after all. It’s ‘luck’ because we don’t usually lay our actual needs and expectations out on the line for the other to make a decision based on the actual reality of who we are. How long can we keep up the roles we play, do we become those rolls permanently? If that is not who we are, and we do not investigate and explore and get to know who we really are due to the rolls we play, will that then not lead to resentment and blame? But we do not necessarily make decisions in this practical way- rather, we usually determine our partner based on the way he or she makes us feel- which is also the rationale behind which drugs we prefer to ingest. The inner emotional experience is also a drug, as it is a chemical experience produced within the body that makes us feel good. Within this, are we really taking into consideration who the other person really is, at all ? Or are we basing our choices on self-interest, both parties more concerned with the high they are receiving, the internal experience that affects nobody but them, without considering how the other may be compromising themselves, suppressing themselves , or even EXpressing themselves in a way that is not who they are, because they are responding not to an equal partner, but to an addiction.  I’m sure some relationship have elements of mutual enjoyment, genuinely ‘good times,’laughter, deep talks maybe, but at what cost to oneself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become addicted to the internal chemical reactions my body produces when another treats me in such a way which I use to create an internal experience of feeling good, or feeling bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another human being within and as self-interest, only to manipulate and control my internal experience, from positive, to neutral, to negative, over and over again in cycles, , or if those cycles stop, I declare I am ‘no longer ‘in love,’’ and after a period of time, I search for my next fix.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider the actual realit of the being I am with, wherein I am able to interact without the need to become high within myself, but interact rather on an equal playing field of support, where each supports the other to stand and become whole, secure within themselves, independent, stable and self-honest.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I use relationships to generate the ‘love drug’ to keep me constantly in a state of feelings or emotions, so that I never have to confront myself and the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself in a way that I think/believe/perceive will trigger the ‘love drug’ within my partner, in order to keep him interested and coming back for more, so that I may also continue to get my fix.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having/experiencing the effects of the ‘love drug’ within me, for fear that I will then have to face my internal experience within absolute sobriety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my internal experience will change to one of dis-satisfaction, insecurity, un-specialness, and all the other consequences of living as an un-whole being within myself, which I was able to do because it felt ‘okay,’ because I was self-medicating with the ‘love drug.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel terribly sad to lose the ‘love drug,’ as it has/had become my close friend, my comfort, my illusion of happily ever after, my projection of perfection and the comfortable, secure lie I was living, which I called ‘love’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear withdrawing from the ‘love drug’ because I don’t know how to operate any other way, and because I’m so used to the comfort and security of predictability, that I have never directed myself, step by step in to the unknown place that is Here.

When and as I see that I am falling back into my addiction to love, searching for that good familiar feeling, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am compromising myself and my partner. I remind myself that the easy road is raaaaarely the road that’s best for me and best for all, because it is usually the road of self-interest, without a consideration for actual realityand the other beings within it.

I commit myself to withdraw from the love drug so that I may live and experience me for the first time.

commit myself to walk my life as what is best for me and best for all, instead of placing my addiction to love above me, above my partner, and above living life in a way that will bring about a better world than the one I experience today.

I commit myself to living in a way that will produce results that are best for all.

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