Yesterday I had an experience of what felt
like depressiveness, wherein everything felt difficult and I fell into the mind
and I was not effective. As it was happening I was aware of the fact that it
would not be like that forever. In fact, it has happened quite often that I
have difficult days like this and I always end up being okay, bouncing back the
next day. Today was as I had expected, wherein I felt much more able to direct
me and I saw that everything is still Here, and I am still Here able to direct
me. So, this pattern involves me falling into a depressive state, which
involves self-judgment and manipulation, only to see that it is not real, it is
just an experience that I am able to direct myself through so that, when I wake
up the next day, I can still have taken a step, instead of having to go through
the motions of having fallen the day before. It’s so obvious now, but yesterday
it wasn’t at all because I was in this depressive mind-possession wherein I
felt like "I wasn’t doing or being ‘enough’ and I probably never will be". I
wrote a blog about it, but then I watched one of Bernard’s videos on depression
and decided to see the pattern through to a solution before writing about it.
First,
I will post the blog from yesterday, and then conclude with my solution and
corrective application.
Day
20- Depressive Possession
I walked a very bizarre day today.
I spent the entire day alone without any interaction and allowed myself to
indulge in the mind wherein I experienced a recurring emotional energetic state
of lostness, aloneness, and depression. I did not move me effectively and so I
need a practical application with which to face this because for the next
several months, aloneness will be prominent in m reality.
It’s interesting because I am
coming from an environment that was ‘chaotic,’ with people and animals all the
time seemingly everywhere, where at times I felt like I couldn’t ‘get away’,
and I wanted peace and quiet. Now I have that, and it is not as I projected it
would be. I am not serene, effective and efficient, as I imagined I would be. I
created for myself a feeling of lostness, aloneness and depression, and today I
let it get the best of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to feel alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need ‘company’ to occupy
my environment in order that I may stay present instead of drifting off into my
mind.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting
and allowing myself to be my own company, wherein I remain present alone with
myself- no different than if I were not alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not already alone, even
in the presence of others, because I am alone within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to have become so accustomed and used to living within and as
personalities for others, that I do not even really know who I am when I am
alone.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting
and allowing myself to know me, or to have taken the time to get to know myself
as who I really am, because I have instead wasted my time pursuing endless
thoughts, fantasies, imaginations, entertainment etc… distracting myself while
I was missing me, not spending time within and as me as presence and
self-intimacy.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to associate/connect a feeling of lostness to the emotional
experience of being alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am and always have been right
Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can lose myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to lose myself in my mind, thus manifesting a feeling of
‘lostness’ instead of being present with myself and moving me within and as
self-direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to be/become ‘frazzled’ because I think/believe/perceive myself
to be lost, and then I attempt to find me by looking for an experience of
myself, or an experience of stability, an experience of what it ‘should’ feel
like to ‘find’ me or be me, instead of simply stopping, breathing and coming
back into the present moment where I am and always have been waiting for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to participate within and as the emotional energetic experience
of depression.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to believe depression to be real or to be who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to be or become depressive, wherein I allow myself to sink into
a 'depression' by accepting and allowing myself as the mind to suppress myself
as Life due to my accepted and allowed participation within and as thoughts of
inferiority, and self-judgment that I am not 'where I should be', or that I
haven't accomplished what I 'should have' accomplished, instead of realizing
that the only step I can take is the next step Here, and not skip a bunch of
steps in order to be 'there' where I 'should’ be.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to choose to continue to indulge within these
thoughts/moods/emotions/feeling/beliefs because that is what I have always
done, instead of realizing there is another choice and another way, I only have
to go through the discomfort of breaking the habits and patterns I've become
accustomed to.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate
myself with depression, wherein I am attempting to fool myself into
believing I am not effective, not making enough progress, not doing well
enough, etc... accompanied by the belief that I cannot change .
I see, realize and understand that
these are only beliefs of the mind, and they are only as real as I make them by
participating within and as them.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to procrastinate, thus putting tasks off into a future that is
not Here, it is only in my mind, wherein it exists as a future in which I will
'feel better,' 'get things done,' 'be more motivated,' thus creating an entire
projection of this 'better' future and then comparing it to where I am now,
thus manifesting self-judgment, self-defeat, self-pity, etc... and eventually,
depression.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting
and allowing myself to utilize every Here moment to assert myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to be/become a programmed zombie robot that only follows old
habits and patterns, directed by the endless meaningless cycles of my internal
experience, instead of waking up and directing me as a principled self-leader
who functions in common sense.
I commit myself to waking up from
the slumber I have been in for my whole Life, to stop blindly following the
smoke and mirror-mazes of the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, ideas, perceptions
and feelings as my internal experience as my mind, and to instead stand as principled and common sense living that takes
into consideration that which is best for all.
I commit myself to stopping my
patterns and habits of indulging in the mind, in which I allow me to feel lost,
alone and depressed, and to instead return to the presence of breath which is
Here, with everything and everyone else in existence, where aloneness is
all-oneness.
I commit myself to asserting
myself in every Here moment.
I commit myself to discover myself
within self-intimacy and self-understanding, so as not to miss another moment
as an opportunity to actually Live as me.
DAY 21 -
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into the mind
within the belief that there is no other way, and no way out.
I
forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to assert myself
despite/in spite of my internal experience, wherein I could have taken steps
and furthered myself with self-direction, but instead I stagnated, thus
creating the experience that I went through yesterday as an accumulation of
such points.
I
forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand
that every moment counts, and that every moment is an opportunity which can be
utilized within self-movement, as every breath I take is an opportunity to move
towards self-expansion, self-intimacy and self-mastery.
I
forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand
that only at death is it too late, and that I can and will pick myself up every
time I fall, and so within this realization, I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to waste even one second within self-doubt, self-victimization
and self-defeat, because I know that I will pick myself up and keep going, so
there’s no point in contemplating it, questioning it or trying to test it out
and experience it, because it is not an experience of myself, it simply IS who
I am and what I will do and continue doing till it’s done.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that
I have too much self-forgiveness and self-introspection to do that I can’t
possibly sort myself out in time. “It will take time, but not an endless amount
of time” –BP.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and
understand that I am my priority right now, and in order to sort myself out
effectively, I need to make time for me, and direct myself to use my time more efficiently
as I apply myself in this process.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the pattern of
depressiveness again…. But-
I
see, realize and understand that this recent past experience has shown me one
thing: that this pattern is useless/pointless/a waste of time/does not serve me
in any way whatsoever. However, I see, realize and understand that in the past,
I would have bounced back into polarity, whereas today I directed me so as not
to create the opposite extreme of depression (which will only set me up for
another crash). I see the polarity here, and I will not participate within and
as it.
I
commit myself to stopping my participation in the polarities of energy by
observing the repeating patters of the highs and lows I experience, by pushing
through the lows until they no longer influence me in/as my application of
myself, and to breathe through and not participate within the highs, because,
as tempting as they may seem, they are not worth it, as all they do is return
me to the cycle of then experiencing depressiveness, and thus wasting my time
and my life.
Icommit myself to walking a process that will lead me to become the living
realization of the absolute dedication and commitment it takes to apply myself
in every moment, as well as the importance of doing so, and I commit myself to
whatever amount of time it will take.
I
commit myself to making “every moment count,” wherein I assert myself in every
moment, despite my internal experience of myself.
When
and as I see that I am facing an accumulation of points which manifests itself
as depressiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness
within the understanding that the only way through is through, and that I MUST
stand, I MUST push through, because it is a manifested consequence that I
already created for myself, and the only thing there is to do is walk through
it and learn the lesson, so as to not repeat and manifest the same consequences
again.
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