I went for a walk on the beach with a woman today, and throughout the walk I observed myself. I felt like my voice was low, my movements felt awkward, I made little eye contact. Also, I found myself to be immature, meaning- my internal experience of myself in terms of self-judgment and self-consciousness was that I was immature. Then, when we got back to her place and hung out for a bit with her husband, I found myself change because there was now a male in my midst. My voice was higher and more ‘perky.’ I smiled more, made eye contact with him, laughed and was more talkative. It felt, all of a sudden, like there was a ‘purpose.’ I remember once at a bar, a girl said to me that it’s always more fun when you’re out, when you have a male in your sights. I didn’t get it, but soon enough Iknew exactly what she meant. It’s all about sex. I don’t even ‘want’ sex from other males- consciously at least- but subconsciously or unconsciously (not sure), THAT is the goal. So, I finally really saw for the first time, to what extent we are possessed by the point of sex, and the extent to which we suppress our natural expression in order to manipulate others, men and women, on this one point of sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my natural expression in order to be/become perceived as a sexual being/potential sex partner to males in my midst, even when I know I don’t really want sex from them, in order to seduce them in some kind of a power game where everyone is aware, but no one acknowledges that our interactions are based on sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself in many little ways, when I am around males, because of the subtle manipulation game of seduction, wherein I have little bursts of energy if I feel I am ‘winning’ the game, because within and as ego, I have programmed myself to want/need/desire to ‘win,’ and to be ‘in control’ of the other and the relationship, wherein I think/believe/perceive that I will have power over the other, so that I can benefit from the relationship somehow, in some way and at some future point in time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who I Am on my ability to seduce or convey the message of sex to the male in my midst, in order to think/believe/perceive that I have ‘won’ and am in control of the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into thinking/believing/perceiving that the energy I experience within sexually-based relationships or interactions with subtle sexual undertones, is Who I Am, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am is no better and no worse than those I’m interacting with, and if I fall for my deception, then I am compromising and limiting myself and my self-expression within the belief that I am this energy, or I need this energy, or this energy makes interaction worthwhile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself that sparks or surges or little rushes of positive energetic feedback are something ‘good’ that needs to be pursued and ‘fed,’ instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that the energy is self-created, is short term, and will manifest it’s opposite, and it suppresses and limits me, and prevents me from really actually getting to know myself as who I Am beneath the layers of created personality that I have programmed into myself over a lifetime of suppression, denial and limitation.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize and understand the absolute insanity involved in changing myself for the sake of another, which is like a mental illness of split personalities, where I am one way with one person, and another way with another person, instead of standing up within myself and remaining as a constant and stable self-expression that is not influence by the gender of those in my presence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my personality suit dependent upon who is in my presence, based upon my judgment of them of rich or poor, intelligent or dull, beneficial to me or not.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to interact with others as my equals, wherein I interact with them as who they really are, and not participate in the ‘little games’ we all play, wherein each is looking for a transaction to take place, either immediately or at some point in the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish my interactions and relationships by participating within them as if they are transactions, where some benefit is sought, whether it is material or energetic, either immediately or at some imagined future time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself by thinking/believing/perceiving that my experience based on the energetic feedback I receive from an interaction or a relationship, is the ‘point’ or the interaction or relationship, instead of stopping and interacting from a starting point of self-honesty, wherein I express Me and live Me by breathing through any and all reactions, judgments, energetic experiences, thoughts, ideas and beliefs with regards to the other person, the communication taking plce, my own self-judgment and future projections.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within relationships based on energy and energetic feedback, instead of standing up from within the self-created experience in order to direct myself as the interaction within self-honesty, within and as self-awareness and presence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the energetic experience that takes place within and as interactions and relationship, wherein I accept and allow myself to be directed and reactive to the experience, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself, Here.
When and as I see myself participating within the self-created energetic experience of an interaction or relationship I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the realization and understanding that such participation is suppressing me, and if I allow myself to be directed by it, I will only set myself up for a future fall in a moment when I look for me, but find I’m not there, because I have not allowed myself to emerge.
I commit myself to stop being or becoming directed by the self-created energetic experiences I manifest while, within and as I interact with others, specifically the suppression due to the acceptance and allowance of the initiation of the sex-system within me.
I commit myself to stopping the internal reactions as energy, reactions and judgments that take place within me as I interact with others.
I commit myself to be and become the self-directive principle of me, when and as I interact with others.I commit myself to let go of the influence
I allow others to have over who and how I am, in order to that who I really am may emerge within relationships.