Monday, October 15, 2012

Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship


This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? And 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)

Thoughts:

1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.


I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, to the thought of someone staring me in the eyes and about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone to the thought of someone looking right at me about to tell me I’ve done something horribly wrong because I hold within me the belief that I’ve done something horribly wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in private moments with only myself as judge, done things which I knew were ‘wrong’, meaning, things that were less-than
who I am, such as not doing my schoolwork because of the belief that ‘I am not able’, when in fact, in common sense, I did not know if I was actually able or not, because I did not push myself to try, or I gave up when I judged it as ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’, and instead of seeking assistance and support, I gave up on me, making the statement that I am ‘less-than’ the task, thus disempowering myself instead of pushing myself to learn and grow and push the limits of what I believe I could/can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with self-disappointment connected the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone because I hold self-disappointment within and as me, due to the fact that I have disempowered myself in moments of opportunity when I could have pushed myself to grow and expand, however instead I limited myself and became less, and instead of changing, I instead created and manifested disappointment within and as me, thus creating cycles of disempowerment and then disappointment, which is ‘activated’ and brought to the fore when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, because my name represents me and the
relationship I have developed with myself in secret, which is then exposed to me through the reactions I experience when my name is spoken in certain tonalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of stopping and investigating the emotions and
feeling reactions upon hearing my name in a disappointed tone to reveal what aspect of my self-relationship is being exposed, I would rather experience the emotions and feelings as if they were being done ‘unto me’ by the person speaking my name, as if the person speaking has the ability to disempower me, when in fact the disempowerment and disappointment only ever had to do with my uninvestigated relationship to myself.

2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of myself in a waiting room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name to the thought of myself in a waiting room because I have separated myself from my relationship to self, to a relationship to others, wherein instead of
confronting myself directly within what I am doing to myself, I wait in fear and anticipation for others to expose it to me, hoping it will not be exposed within and as the emotional and feeling reactions I experience to the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, but knowing full well that I will, because I have not corrected the behavior that disappoints me, nor have I corrected the disempowering reaction of self-disappointment, to the empowering action of self-investigation, which involves stopping and changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of ‘waiting’ in fear and anticipation for when my name might be spoken in a tone that will expose me to myself, because I have given others the power to do so by having a secret relationship to myself which I have not fully investigated, and within this:

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the inevitable self-exposure rather than investigate my self-relationship and expose myself to myself in every moment, until I have cleared and
changed that relationship to one that is best for all as myself in every way, leaving nothing left to be exposed.

3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of my teacher’s face from my desk, because I am reflecting myself off of her, thus separating myself from my teacher, within the belief that it is HER exposing me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her face is actually a representation of me looking into myself at all the things I have accepted and allowed which I then manifested a reaction of disappointment towards, as all of these things come up in the moment of hearing my name being called in a disappointed tone, because I am wondering to myself, which of these things might she name, that I do not want to see or admit is true or take responsibility for.

Self-corrective statements to follow.

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