Day 270 - Redefining Hope

My 'Positive Journal' assignment for today was to think of a negative experience that happened to me, where there was a glimmer of hope that kept me going.

Once again, I was completely blank! And I thought to myself, "oh no! I am hopeless!"

The way the journal described the assignment laid it out in such a way where I was supposed to have this 'negative experience' with some glimmer of 'positive' 'hope' within it.

I was first stuck on the word 'hope', as it reminds me of sugar, in a way. It feels really good when you eat it, but once it wears off you get a sugar crash and that feels terrible. So I actually have a negative connotation when it comes to 'hope'. It's like a drug, essentially, 'hope' is like 'dope'. You use it to pick yourself up when you are down, without actually practically doing something constructive.

Hope, to me, has been the act of projecting into an imaginary desired future outcome, and then feeding that projection with positive energy to make myself 'feel good' inside myself when I call it up in my mind. Inevitably, things do not turn out exactly as I had imagined (shocker: I'm not psychic!), and so I would crash into a negative experience, where I'd feel some combination of disappointment, heartbreak, victimization and disempowerment.

In fact, it is more when I do not have 'hope' where I actually tend to move myself more, to take more responsibility in a situation, and to take physical steps to work towards the desired outcome.


This is the dictionary definition of 'hope':

"A feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen."

But then there's also the 'archaic' definition, which is pretty cool and I can align more with, and that is:

"A feeling of trust."

When I am going through a 'bad experience', knowing that the 'bad experience' is simply my reaction to a situation or event, even in my lowest of lows where it seems as though all is lost, there is something inside of me, like a void, blackness, where it is as if some part of me is untouchable, unwavering, unending. It is as if there is some pocket inside of myself where I can hold myself and know that, even if everything fails, falls, gets destroyed or whatever, that in this pocket where some important aspect of me can fit, tiny like a seed, I know that that seed will be okay, and that it may be tough, but that I can re-grow from just that one preserved part of me. 

And it is a glimmer of this that has supported me through even the bleakest moments. Not a positive experience, but rather it is a trust that, so long as I keep deciding for it to be so, it will be so.  

And so within all of this, 'hope' to me is not about being 'positive' or projecting wants and expectations, or desires for certain outcomes, but rather the Trust in Myself that I will continue deciding that no matter what, I will be ok. The Trust in Process, that no matter what happens or how long it takes, it is done. And the Trust in Life itself, that Life will never give me more than I can handle, even if the outcome was not at all what I expected or desired.

And so, my redefinition of living 'hope' is:

The trust that enough of me will be ok no matter what the outcome. 

Day 102- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment- Backchat Dimension

This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout),  Day 100- SecretSelf-Relationship, and Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment
Within this blog, I am looking at the backchat/self-talk I experience when someon calls myname in a disappointed tone:

Backchats/self-talk:
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
3) “what I did is none of his/her business”
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested the internal emotional energetic experience of self-disappointment to the point where I have accepted and allowed an entire character to evolve from it, which speaks as a voice in the head, becoming the directive principle of who and how I am, and how I experience myself the moment it is triggered and activated by words and tonalities, specifically my secret self-disappointments which are triggered and activated at the sound of my name being spoken in a disappointed tone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created self-talk as the voice in the head to say “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say,” upon hearing my voice spoken in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea, perception and belief that something someone else says to me can actually create the experience of disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it exists within me already, because I have accepted and allowed it to, in place of having stopped and changed the actions and behaviours that disappoint me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created backchat wherein I think to myself, “don’t cry, brace yourself” to exist within and as me. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed my self-disappointment to the point that it builds up within me to an emotional outburst as crying, because in that moment I have to face it all at once, which is overwhelming and thus impossible to ‘make sense’ of everything that comes up in that moment, thus the release is in the form of tears of self-pity and self-victimization, instead of in the form of self-understanding and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the parts of me that I don’t want to look at or deal with, because it is easier to ignore and pretend it is not there than it is to address and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “what I did is none of his/her business” when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing it as unacceptable and unallowable because it is self-diminishment and self-limitation which is stopping me from living Here for real, as a real human being, I havd taken the easy route of acceptance and allowance, which entails  a 'making peace' with it, as if there were no other choice, and pretending that that is 'ok', when self-disappointment is obviously NOT 'ok', as demonstrated by the negative reactions I experience within me when I hear my name in a disappointed tone. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then defend my acceptances and allowances within the excuse “it’s none of your business”, within the belief that, if everyone would just leave me alone, I would never have to face myself. However, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that, I cannot escape facing me, as I will always be the result of what I have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within myself as backchat “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing,” within the belief that the self-disappointment I experience upon hearing my name spoken in a disappointed tone, is the fault of the speaker, instead of realizing and understanding that I am accusing another in defense of my own self-limitation.

Self-Corrective statements to follow…

Day 100- Secret Self-Relationship

This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? And 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)

Thoughts:

1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, to the thought of someone staring me in the eyes and about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name in a disappointed tone to the thought of someone looking right at me about to tell me I’ve done something horribly wrong because I hold within me the belief that I’ve done something horribly wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in private moments with only myself as judge, done things which I knew were ‘wrong’, meaning, things that were less-than who I am, such as not doing my schoolwork because of the belief that ‘I am not able’, when in fact, in common sense, I did not know if I was actually able or not, because I did not push myself to try, or I gave up when I judged it as ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’, and instead of seeking assistance and support, I gave up on me, making the statement that I am ‘less-than’ the task, thus disempowering myself instead of pushing myself to learn and grow and push the limits of what I believe I could/can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with self-disappointment connected the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone because I hold self-disappointment within and as me, due to the fact that I have disempowered myself in moments of opportunity when I could have pushed myself to grow and expand, however instead I limited myself and became less, and instead of changing, I instead created and manifested disappointment within and as me, thus creating cycles of disempowerment and then disappointment, which is ‘activated’ and brought to the fore when I hear my name spoken in a disappointed tone, because my name represents me and the relationship I have developed with myself in secret, which is then exposed to me through the reactions I experience when my name is spoken in certain tonalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of stopping and investigating the emotions and feeling reactions upon hearing my name in a disappointed tone to reveal what aspect of my self-relationship is being exposed, I would rather experience the emotions and feelings as if they were being done ‘unto me’ by the person speaking my name, as if the person speaking has the ability to disempower me, when in fact the disempowerment and disappointment only ever had to do with my uninvestigated relationship to myself.

2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of myself in a waiting room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name to the thought of myself in a waiting room because I have separated myself from my relationship to self, to a relationship to others, wherein instead of confronting myself directly within what I am doing to myself, I wait in fear and anticipation for others to expose it to me, hoping it will not be exposed within and as the emotional and feeling reactions I experience to the sound of my name in a disappointed tone, but knowing full well that I will, because I have not corrected the behavior that disappoints me, nor have I corrected the disempowering reaction of self-disappointment, to the empowering action of self-investigation, which involves stopping and changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a state of ‘waiting’ in fear and anticipation for when my name might be spoken in a tone that will expose me to myself, because I have given others the power to do so by having a secret relationship to myself which I have not fully investigated, and within this:

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the inevitable self-exposure rather than investigate my self-relationship and expose myself to myself in every moment, until I have cleared and changed that relationship to one that is best for all as myself in every way, leaving nothing left to be exposed.

3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the sound of my name spoken in a disappointed tone to the thought of my teacher’s face from my desk, because I am reflecting myself off of her, thus separating myself from my teacher, within the belief that it is HER exposing me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that her face is actually a representation of me looking into myself at all the things I have accepted and allowed which I then manifested a reaction of disappointment towards, as all of these things come up in the moment of hearing my name being called in a disappointed tone, because I am wondering to myself, which of these things might she name, that I do not want to see or admit is true or take responsibility for.

Self-corrective statements to follow.

Day 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)

This blog is continued from Day 93-My Name is Kim, and Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really?

Within this blog, I am looking at the first example of my name being spoken in a certain tonality, and that tonality having an actual effect on me and on ‘who I am’, instead of standing stable in every moment.
 
Background:

“the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here is the first example within which I will walk the process of deconstruction:

1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario. Within this I always hear disappointment within the tonality.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

 I will call this tonality that of ‘disappointment’.

From here, I will self-honestly within me, in hearing the tonality as ‘disappointment, what thoughts/backchats/imaginations of EXPECTATION WITHIN MYSELF have I created in relationship to the other person in MY MIND as an personality that will thus respond when/as the person speak in a disappointed energy.

Because I would have over an extended period of time, created thought, imaginations, backchats towards a person within me as reacting to them in disappointment, and then when they speak in an disappointed energy, my name, this Personality of disappointment I created in my relationship to them will activate.

Thoughts:
 
1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
 
2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.
 
3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.
 
4) The lineup of chairs in front of the principal’s office, where students await their turn to talk to the principal.
 
Backchats/self-talk:
 
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
 
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
 
3) “what I did id none of his/her business”
 
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”
 
Imaginations:
 
1) I imagine myself walking past a bunch of people staring at me in a ‘walk of shame’-type scenario, where the people are all disappointed in me or feeling glad they’re not me.
 
2) I imagine myself standing up and trying to act all cool, but really feeling really self-conscious and being terrified of what I was about to walk into.
 
3) I imagine being face to face with someone, feeling closed-in and exposed and trapped because I would now have to face this disappointing thing I had done.
 
4) I imagine the person talking to me and me feeling like their every word is just pushing me down and like I’m taking a beating, holding back tears but feeling like if I cry then they have won.

In my next blog I will forgive and release the thought dimension of this tonality in relation to my name.

Day 78- Purifying My Definition of "Ideal Partner"

Within this blog I am using the tool of writing self-forgiveness to reveal to myself my subconscious accepted and allowed definition of what is an ‘ideal partner’, in order to forgive myself for limiting myself and other within this definition, and change the definition to one that will benefit both me and my partner- because so long as I hold these expectations, instead of accepting him unconditionally, he will not be able to live up to the illusion I hold in my mind. He will never be able to be the personalized social construct I have created since youth, from watching Disney movies, to seeing others in relationships, to family influences etc... This is especially true because, until now, I wasn't even fully aware of how I 'imaagined' or 'expected' my partner to be, in order to consider him ideal. I still have not walked through it entirely, I'm just doing this brief overview in order to get an outline and grasp on the idea that I expect my partner to be something other than what he in fact is- something unreal and irrational, based on my Life experience. My 'new definition' of 'ideal partner' at the end of this blog, is one that includes accepting my partner as my equal, and accepting no less than who we both are able to be. Very cool stuff.

(It was funny/interesting to me to reveal to myself how ‘shallow’ my definition was- based on things like looks, ethnicity, and popularity. I do not accept/allow myself to limit myself or my partner in this way, so it’s time for this to change.)

The following self-forgiveness is in no particular order.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my ideal/perception/belief of the ideal partner to ‘being from another country.’

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being from another country.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner,’ and from beings from another country, by defining my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within beings from other countries in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief/ of the ‘ideal partner’ with ‘being famous/known.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ideal partner within ‘being famous/being known’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being famous/being known’ by defining my perception/idea/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being famous/being known’ in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being hard-working.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ideal partner within and as ‘being hard-working’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being hardworking’ by defining my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being hard-working’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ideal partner with ‘being clean.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as physical cleanliness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being clean’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being clean’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘confidence’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my ideal/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘confidence.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘confidence’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘confidence’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ to ‘being desired by other women.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being desired by other women.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being desired by other women’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being desired by other women’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner’ to ‘being outgoing’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my idea/perception/belief of the ‘ideal partner within and as ‘being outgoing.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being outgoing’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being outgoing’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my idea/perception/belief of the ideal partner within ‘being muscular’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being muscular’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being muscular,’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being muscular’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being hot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ with and as ‘being hot.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being hot’ be defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being hot’ in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner’ within ‘being male.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being male’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being male’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being male’ in separation of me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner with ‘being tough’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defin the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being tough’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being tough’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being tough’ in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the ‘ideal partner’ to ‘being strong’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being strong.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the ‘ideal partner’ and from ‘being strong’ by defining the ‘ideal partner’ within and as ‘being strong’ in separation of myself.’

Re-define ‘ideal partner’:

-      Sounding of the words: I decide all parts not the other

-      Dictionary Definition:

Ideal

-      1. A conception of something in its absolute perfection.

-      2. One that is regarded as a standard or model of perfection or excellence.

-      3. An ultimate object of endeavor; a goal.

-      4. An honorable or worthy principle or aim

 

Partner

 

One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest.

-      New Definition:

Ideal Partner:

One that is willing to walk together towards taking 100% self-responsibility and in becoming whole, Here, not allowing anything less than Who They Are within themselves or their partner, and that assists and supports their partner to becoming an effective and self-honest human being, while walking within and as breath, equal and one, as two individuals together

Day 67- Postponement Character Reactions

          Within this blog I am looking at and self-forgiving the reactions created by the back chat that comes from the initial thoughts which I already forgave in my last blogs Here, Here and Here (in that order). When we participate within and as back chat, we follow our thoughts into internal conversations in the mind, which creates reactions that result in things such as ‘postponement’.
          When I experience ‘postponement’ it is an actual physical experience, wherein I experience physical tiredness, heaviness, like a ‘walking through sludge’ type experience, I even get nauseous. Throughout this are the internal battles of judgment (I can’t believe I’m putting this off, I should be working right now, I’m so lazy etc etc etc…that feels like self-loathing and really being down on oneself).
          It has been fascinating to see how I actually create these experiences for myself, particularly when I have school assignments and the deadline is far enough away that I need to motivate myself without the stress that gets most of us students moving. Or even going to work wherein, I have had a hard time being on time because I just don’t want to go and I follow my mind into reactions from back chat that are actually physically difficult to move through. All this is entirely unnecessary.
          Each task in life, whether it is school, work, chores, daily responsibilities etc… can be done in the moment without reaction by taking self-responsibility to look at what the mind is doing, and changing it to work for you instead of against you. Here I am continuing to re-program’ my own mind to equality and oneness to my SELF, and thus to all that is here because after all, we’re all equal and one as Life and existence. This way, no thing is 'bigger than' me or my ability to move myself, thus no internal experience within me is 'too big' to move through. Within being equal to and as it, one can effectively stop and change it.

To begin, a re-cap on identifying the back chat: ( I will be working with the part in Italics)

“The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

SELF-FORGIVENESS & SELF-COMMITTMENTS:

ON: following back chat through to actual physical/emotional reaction:

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as reactions based on backchat about thoughts that I accept and allow in relation to tasks that I direct myself to do.

I commit myself to begin each new task with a clear starting point, wherein I check myself to see the backchat I am speaking to myself silently in the secrecy of my mind, I realize I have a choice to follow it or not, and I choose to breathe through it in order that I may ensure that I am acting within and as self-direction and not within and as reactions to backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions from backchat to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to stop choosing backchat, to stop in each moment that I give myself that choice, and to choose life each time, every time for as long as it takes until back chat no longer exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceived that the reactions that I create from thoughts and backchat are real/are me/are who I am in the moment, because they feel/seem so real because I actually experience them physically as a tiredness, heaviness, ‘dragging’ sensation and internal ‘temper tantrums’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in and creating the experience through feeding it with my energy/attention until it manifested physically as an actual physical sensation, showing me that I in fact create my own reality and within this, I remind myself that it is a CHOICE, and there is ANOTHER WAY.

I commit myself to SEE THROUGH the illusion that I am trapped within whatever I experience and instead I realized that if I stop and look at it/myself through self-introspection (writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application), then I can actually see how I create it, understand how to stop creating it, and effectively change me/my experience of myself/my application of myself to one that is best for all- thus best for myself.

OVERWHELMING-NESS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘overwhelming-ness’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ as an excuse to postpone from pushing myself to do a task or move effectively throughout my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’ in relation/response/reaction to the internal conversations I have with myself that consists of telling myself ‘I have so much to do’ implying ‘I’ll never be able to keep up’, ‘I’ll fall behind and not be able to accomplish everything thus I will FAIL (fear of failure)’, I will not “do what I’m supposed to do’ to attain some unnamed standard and will thus DISAPPOINT myself and others and be PLAGUED with REGRET.

Within this self-forgiveness statement I see that the experience of OVERWHELMING-NESS is created from FEAR OF FAILURE, FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT, and FEAR OF REGRET. So…

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, realize/see/understand exactly how I create the experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ within and as me through reacting to fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of regret, wherein I thus then learn and practice how to stop it each time, learning how to change my living so as to not create overwhelming-ness in the first place, but to instead effectively DEAL with daily Life and everything that is thrown at me in every moment and to walk one with and equal to it always wherein I DIRECT IT, I CHOOSE who and how I am, and I DO NOT accept or allow myself to live ‘overwhelming-ness’ because it does not serve me in any way.

FEAR OF FAILURE/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the ‘fear of failure.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of failure as a reason/excuse/justification to not move myself/push myself to be fully present/aware/effective within tasks, and to instead postpone from doing them thus postponing me from actually Living.

I commit myself to stop participating within and as the self-abuse of ‘fear of failure’ by stopping myself from following the thoughts and focusing myself instead upon my breathing until the thought dissipates and I instead move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ‘fear of failure’ to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to rid my body of the chemical reaction produced by the fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive the ‘fear of failure’ is real/who I am in any way, I see/realize/understand that it is an automated program within and as me that I have developed over time due to not understanding who and how I created myself within and as how I grew up/was socialized in school/family/work/society and thus, I used the fear of failure to keep me down/scared/limited so as not to have to take responsibility for myself but instead to drift along and not question anything or try to change anything but rather just be a bystander in life.

I commit myself to be/become a fully active participant in life in the face of any and all fear within the understanding that fear is not real and not necessary and that practical common sense is all anybody needs to live.

DISAPPOINTMENT/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘disappointment’ either in myself or from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘disappointment is real or is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘disappointment’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use disappointment/fear of disappointment to sabotage myself from effectively moving in the moment, and using it to reinforce myself as the ‘postponement character’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘disappointment’ thus creating a relationship of fear towards it, instead of standing equal to and one with it and changing myself as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of disappointment that I accept and allow to exist within and as me, instead of directing myself (self-direction) through the fear of disappointment by simply doing the task at hand within and as breathe in the moment, doing the best I can within self-honesty, and seeing the task through to completion within the understanding that, I am always learning, I can always improve upon myself, but the only way to improve is to do a task to the best of my ability in the first place and to learn from myself and my ‘mis-takes’ wherein, there is no space or place or need for disappointment of the fear of disappointment because, Life is ongoing and I am ever changing and am not defined by any one singular thing or task, but rather by my application of myself over time and who I am within that.

REGRET/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘regret’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘regret’ and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship of ‘fear’ towards ‘regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘regret’ as a reason/justification/excuse to postpone myself from moving me effectively through my Life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards ‘regret’ within a fear that stops me from even trying, within the delusional idea that, ‘if I don’t try it, I won’t regret failing/disappointing myself’ instead of realizing that failure and disappointment do not exist, thus the only thing to regret is not trying in the first place. In this, I see/realize/understand how I in fact manifest ‘regret’ into and as my life and my world and into and as myself by letting opportunities pass me by due to fear of regret, thus missing opportunities to know me, live and apply myself and actually really live instead of merely existing as a prisoner of the mind, frozen in fear and only reacting instead of fully participating in this One Life we have.

I commit myself to effectively END REGRET within and as myself by fearlessly seizing every opportunity to live and express and ‘Be’ to the fullest extent that I am capable, wherein I constantly push myself to test my limits within the understanding that fear is an illusion and limitations are self-created.

When and as I see that I am going into/am in the ‘postponement’ character within and as the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ caused by ‘fear of failure’, ‘regret’ and ‘disappointment’ I stop, and I breath. I bring myself back to stability Here by reminding myself that only by moving me in the moment will I truly not manifest these experiences for myself, thus I Move Me Here.