This is a continuation from my previous blogs: Day 63- Postponement Character, where I describe the character I play, and the effect it has on me and in my life., as postponement, procrastination and the internal battles and resistance it creates. And Day 64- Postponement Character (self-forgiveness). Here I continue writing out self-forgiveness statements in order to rid myself of this pattern using the Desteni writing tools. They are effective and they work and that is why I continue with this process.
Self-Forgiveness on the 'voice in the head' that I allow to create postponement
Step 1) Idetifying the thoughts:
" the thoughts I have noticed with regards to becoming possessed by the postponement character, are things such as little flashes of, for example, Hotmail or facebook, like I should really go on those sites right away! Or I’ll see flashed of people I want to hear from, along with how they make me feel. I’ve seen myself do a ‘quick scan’ of my life, to remind myself of all the loose ends that need to be tended to, and then they all of a sudden become pressing issues. "
Step 2) Back Chat/inner voice
The inner voice associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create backchat from the initial thought(s) I participate within and as when I’m about to begin a project which I use to sabotage myself and talk myself out of doing the project.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat such as “this is boring” “I should be doing something else more important” “this can wait till later” I’d rather be doing something else” “I have so many other pressing things to do right now” “this is soo much/too much” and “I have too much to keep up on” to exist within and as me, which I use to sabotage myself and talk myself out of standing up and taking actual steps towards completion of a task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the task at hand with negative energy, wherein when I think about it I create a resistance within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge activities within which I push myself, or activities that help me expand, grow and/or change with particularly strong negative energy, wherein I experience a very strong resistance to the task. Within this,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek the polarity opposite experience-positivity- which I, as my mind, connects to all the other things I suddenly define as ‘pressing’ ‘urgent’ and more important matters’ than the task I originally set out to do, wherein I experience myself as positive, fearful and excited when I bail on the task, because I feel like I ‘dodged a bullet’ or ‘got out of work’ somehow, without considering the fact that I’m actually only screwing myself, cheating/tricking/fooling myself with energetic experiences that I accept and allow to direct me instead of me directing myself Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as positive/negative feeling experiences, by accepting and allowing myself to charge the thoughts of the tasks at hand with positive/negative energy in my mind, instead of simply using my mind as only a practical tool to organize what I have to do and when, and not adding all sorts of un-needed dimensions of relationships and reactions to that which I intend on doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create backchat in my mind about a task, to believe the backchat and participate within and as it until I become the actual manifestation of the backchat, and effectively postpone the task I set out to do.
The truth is- if I did everything right away or when I planned on doing it, I would have time to do all this stuff that stresses me out and preoccupies me. This postponement character perpetuates itself, because when I have a task to do, it is easier to trigger this character because of all the other stuff in life that I have put off. It all comes rushing to the fore, strategically and conveniently as the mind switches over from motivated to ‘lock-down’ where all I want to do is other things instead of the one thing I have set myself up to do
Self-commitment statements to come....