Day 63- Postponement Character

Before Desteni, I would have defined this as a personality trait or a bad habit. Now, after seeing how characters  trigger and work and affect the entirety of self, I see procrastination, postponement, ‘doing it later,’ as an actual entire character. Throughout my life I have played this character a lot, with most things. Any task or thing I have to do that I have even a little resistance towards will be pushed to the back of my list of priorities. I have been working on this point for some time now, and now I find that I’ll get myself physically moving to do the task, but within me is like a mental struggle to now focus on the task and do it with presence and awareness, with all of me- so to speak.

Right now is perfect timing to look at this character, because I am in the middle of a research exam online.  It’s not hard- I just have to read and synthesize a lot of material in order to do it well, and then formulate my answers coherently and in alignment with the questions. It requires focus, attention, patience and memory, and I’m finding it a real struggle within me to do it efficiently.

So, as I understand the process I put myself through when I go into one of these characters, it starts with a singular thought that triggers backchat (self-talk) which affects how I physically feel and then influences my behavior/self-direction. So, the thoughts I have noticed with regards to becoming possessed by the postponement character, are things such as little flashes of, for example, Hotmail or facebook, like I should really go on those sites right away! Or I’ll see flashed of people I want to hear from, along with how they make me feel. I’ve seen myself do a ‘quick scan’ of my life, to remind myself of all the loose ends that need to be tended to, and then they all of a sudden become pressing issues.

The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead/I'll do it later” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and loose my focus.

The truth is- if I did everything right away or when I planned on doing it, I would have time to do all this stuff that stresses me out and preoccupies me. This postponement character perpetuates itself, because when I have a task to do, it is easier to trigger this character because of all the other stuff in life that I have put off. It all comes rushing to the fore, strategically and conveniently as the mind switches over from motivated to ‘lock-down’ where all I want to do is other things instead of the one thing I have set myself up to do.

Mostly I am able to ‘work with’ this character, where I accept and allow it to influence me- but I get done the things that really need to get done. But there was a time in my life where I let this character direct me- and it caused serious consequences, such as flunking school and finding work miserable. And that’s what it is really- it takes a simple task and turns it into a miserable experience that I just have to ‘get through’ and ‘survive’ until it’s finally over and done with. But the truth is- it’s never all over and done with, because life/living requires constant and consistent application. Also, when I’m functioning so inefficiently, where it’s a struggle and I put things off till later- then I’m actually busy planting little seeds of stress and anxiety, which will pop up and sabotage me when I least expect it. Now, thanks to this blog, I will begin to expect it, and effectively STOP it, because it’s not worth it. I see, realize and understand how I can stop this character with my writing tools, with breathing and with the strengths I am building with the assistance and support of the Desteni tools/community. These are self-will, self-movement, diligence, assertiveness and many more. I realize that my life can be so much more if I just apply myself in little ways, and keep doing it, wherein it’s not even really an ‘effort’, it just becomes how to live.  The postponement character is a really shitty experience, within it I feel physically tired, irritated, anxious and overwhelmed. I see that this is not necessary, nor is it beneficial to me in any way, so I decide to stop.

My self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements will com ein the blogs to follow.