Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Day 69- Postponement Character Reactions

This is a continuation of my previous blogs:


          One of the things I have the tendency to do it to do a quick ‘scan’ of my life, and think of all the big decisions I have to make, along with the ‘what if’s’ and possible play outs and the desires and fears associated with that. And then within this ‘scan’ I also think of the multitude of little details I have to take care of that are nagging at me, that I probably put off as a result of not effectively looking at/dealing with myself as the ‘postponement character’. This creates anxiety within me, usually right at the moment where I am applying myself at a task- that split second where I am making the decision to commit to the task- it is on that moment that my mind does the ‘quick scan’ which, when I allow, results in me becoming anxious and distracted and then I proceed as a less effective being doing a less-than-effective job, thus creating more loose ends, let-downs and lack of self-trust/self-movement.
          “It’s the little things that make it huge” (a quote from the movie Vanilla Sky). I remind myself of this quote because it is very true. One split second at just the right time can effectively sabotage me in a specific way over and over again and create difficult consequences in my life which- if I were to push through that split second of a moment (over and over as it happens often) if I were to just push through it and chose to fully commit to the task, my whole Life would change. I’m not saying this is the only thing that requires to be changed in my life (as is demonstrated in the MANY points I bring up in all my blogs), I’m saying that the little things that can be changed over time, create a huge change in one’s life over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in a split second, do a ‘quick scan’ of my life and, while I’m physically trying/attempting to apply myself towards something, my mind is subtly finding all the ‘loose ends’ in my life that I have not yet dealt with, and bringing them to the fore, wherein I become distracted and anxious and unable to fully commit all of me to the task at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself in times of application, where I am effectively sabotaging myself within/as my mind, as I am physically attempting to push myself to apply myself and change the habits/peatterns within/as me that have ‘plagued’ me for so long. I see/realize/understand that this resistance is a resistance to change, and as I slow down within myself/my mind, I see/understand how it works and thus how to stop it, as follows:

When and as I see that I am beginning a task that pushes me to test my limits, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have the tendency to sabotage myself in these moments through doing a ‘quick scan’ of my life and bringing to the fore all the things I have left undone. I bring myself back to presence and awareness within the understanding that, in this moment I Am Able to remain focused, and if I push through this moment, I Will get through and be able to focus in full presence and awareness on the task at hand. I see/realize/understand that when/as I apply myself in this way, I will develop the actual self-trust and self-application that I require to live a life wherein I deal with the ‘loose ends’ as they arise, and eventually effectively prevent them from occurring in the first place. I commit myself to push myself to be diligent within my application of remaining Here while I work, within the understanding/realization that this is a new sensation and application of myself, thus it is a moment of uncertainty where I have thus far accepted/allowed my mind to take directive principle. Thus I commit myself to take back my power and Stand as the Decision to Be the Directive Principle of Myself, wherein I Decide, I take the wheel in my Life and I take the reins in every moment, knowing that at any sign of ‘weakness’ or uncertainty, my mind will be waiting to take it back as the comfort of old habits and patterns lingers as a CONvincing illusion of peace and rest. I know and am fully aware that abdicating Self to the mind in this way results in the opposite of peace and rest, but is rather and experience of prison, wherein Self has No Say in Who Self is or What Self Does in this Life, but rather sits back and drifts along as the consequences accumulate and slow self-destruction takes place daily. I say No.

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