Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I REALLY?

This blog consists of three examples of memories and reactions and the contexts of my name being spoken in different tonalities. For the context of this blog, check out yesterday’s blog where I explain in greater detail how,

“the name I was given actually has an effect on
Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here are the examples, and in my next blog, I will walk the process of deconstruction, which leads to an interesting surprise which anyone can apply in their lives:

1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, like in a doctor’s office or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

2) “Kim-eeeee!” Spoken excitedly. Most of my long-time friends and family call/called my Kimmy, so it has been used quite prominently as a ‘main’ name for me.
The earliest memory I have of my name spoken in this tone is when I was about 4 or 5, by my friend, upon first seeing me, when we would be about to play together. We would have so much fun as we played together, and the excitement in the tone made me feel like he really enjoyed spending time together and enjoyed me. Sometimes it would surprise me how much that ‘came out’ in the tone, like, I would not expect someone to be that happy or excited to see me, so I must be someone/something quite special. And that confirmed to me that yes, I in fact felt the same way about him, and then everything we did together was fun and exciting. So when I hear my name being spoken in this tone I get this sensation all through my body of warmth and happiness and excitement and kind feelings towards the person saying it- like something really nice and fun is about to happen.

3) “Kiii-iiim” Spoken in an accusatory/annoyed tone. My reaction to this tone is one of hurt, guilt and
anger, wherein I feel I have done something wrong, usually due to not being careful enough, and unsually unintentionally.The memory I have associated to this tone is that of a friend saying my name this way when I accidentally hung up the phone by sitting on it while she was talking. She was having a fight with her boyfriend and she was annoyed or mad because now he would think she hung up on him and that would complicate the argument they were having. I felt hurt because I was the receiver of anger when I felt I would not do such a thing on purpose- it was an accident. I felt guilt because, even though it was an accident, I in fact had done the ‘wrong’ thing, by hanging up the phone because I was not careful where I was sitting, and I felt angry because I was being accused of something, and I believed that one should only be accused of something if one had done something intentionally wrong. So that is generally the character I go into when I hear my name spoken in this way.

More to continue in my next blog....


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