Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

I’ve gotten to the point where I am able to move myself to go and actually set
time for something and sit down to start it, but then, as I’m doing it, I “just start going crazy” within myself. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that. But I get super uncomfortable and distractible and preoccupied which I accept and allow to pull me away from the task at hand and prolong the time it takes to do it, instead of sitting down, focusing and working through it comfortably.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself from focusing on a project/assignment by following my mind into distractions/preoccupations/resistances which create the experience of powerlessness and thus the experience of ‘going crazy’, as if it were something beyond my control and being done ‘unto’ me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is an experience that builds up over time, starting with my participation in future projections of what I think/believe/perceive that work will be like, within the want/need/desire for it to be easy.
 forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest the energetic experience of uncomfortability, distractibility, and preoccupation based on my mind, instead of focusing Here, in breathe, as presence and awareness as I move myself physically through the assignment/work/project, at the physical pace at which understanding and information absorption and application takes place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pull myself away from the task I am doing, by following the mind instead of
breathing Here, breathing through the consequences I have created for myself, and changing self in order to not create them again.

Today in a conversation it was pointed out to me that there is an underlying character, beneath the ‘self-movement’ point I had been working on, which happens over and over again and sabotages me from achieving effective self-movement, which is extremely frustrating, and which fuels the experience of ‘going crazy’.
What I see within this point is that I’m accepting and allowing all these things to direct and move me, anything except to just be here with me, doing my work. Since I was little I remember looking at schoolwork all at once, and instead of breaking it up and doing it bit by bit, I would just get overwhelmed and think “I can’t do all that” “I can’t understand that because look, I don’t understand that right now”. So here is an obvious lack of consideration for all the small steps that need to take place to work through it.
Tonight for example, I had an assignment. I Already visualized myself done the assignment and in that scenario I projected- it was easy. And I was done quick. In reality, it wasn’t ‘hard’ per se, it just took a lot of focus and actual work and it took almost 4 hours. I ‘ve noticed I would visualize an assignment as being easy and done quickly, and then go to do the assignment, and try to live that experience wherein I would just skim through and do the bare minimum. However now I am more focused on putting my all in to it and reaching the highest standards I practically can. But I’m not able to do as well as I know I could because then I sit down and draw it out super inefficiently and it creates this whole relationship towards it wherein I feel like I’m ‘going crazy’.

For example, the assignment that took almost 4 hours, I could have reasonably done it in less time, but I kept getting up and moving around and becoming distracted. I understand that I cannot just sit there and plow through it completely focused for hours, that I need to take breaks every now and again. But, the point is to have those breaks be self-directed, wherein, I would direct myself to work on the project for, say 45 minutes, and then take a fifteen minute break, and continue like that until the assignment is done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted when I set myself up to sit down and focus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become directed by my mind of
energy in moments where I find the work I am doing to be ‘more difficult’ than I had imagined.

I will approach this as a character, identified as the ‘Underestimating’ character, because of the fact that I kno I can do the work, and I know I can do it well so long as I apply myself. But it’s the projection of the work being easy that messes with my application. Whenever I finish an assignment I look back at the work and think, “well, that wasn’t so hard”. However, when I was doing the assignment, especially in the beginning stages, I felt like I was climbing a mountain when I was expecting a molehill. The Underestimating character will be the focus of my blogs till I am confident that I have walked it through and understand it in it’s entirety.

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