Thursday, October 25, 2012

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

Thus, this blog is a statement of that which I am willing to commit to, and the ways in which I will change my behavior (practical application of myself in my world), which will extend beyond school and into every day life, which is an accumulation of actions. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that I am the directive principle of Who I Am within each action in my life, because the end result of me is an outflow of who I have been within each action.

Each one has the ability to make a decision in every action, I choose to do what’s best for all, which is not really a choice. I choose to be a living, breathing being that is present and aware, and not a distracted and entertained consumer consuming zombie that does not take all life into consideration in each action. But in order to walk myself out of this mind-state, I have to, step by step, release myself from the ways in which I have abdicated myself to my mind. One of these ways is not applying myself to things that I’ve judged as ‘difficult’, such as school, wherein I literally could not apply myself to focus.

This would probably be called ADD now, however, I intend to discipline myself within focusing, by/through walking myself back into my mind in order to see how I created the distractions that occur in my own mind, as energies, resistances and uncomfortabilities. I have come a long way since starting this process, and the two years I have already spent on this point, on and off over the months. I realize that it took me many many years to develop this point within myself, thus it will take a process to undo it. I realize there are no quick fixes or easy outs, and that it’s just a matter of undoing the programming I myself have done. Self-forgiveness releases this very effectively, and allows for the re-scripting of self, wherein, one becomes free to move oneself as Who One Is moment to moment, and not limited by any ‘state of mind’.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work.

I commit myself to let go of the past memories where I struggled and failed in school, and release myself from the energetic experiences I have created within myself in relation to them.

I commit myself to begin building myself as Who I would like To Be from a clean slate, as I daily clean my slate in order to not carry around the cumbersome burden of a past filled with judgments and self-definitions which, in believing them to be real, have limited me in innumerable ways.

I commit myself to slowing down my mind with self-awareness developed through daily writing, in order that I may SEE the thoughts that seem to ‘pop’ into my head without any intention of my own, thoughts which trigger chain reactions which build into energies that cause the task at hand to seem like so much more than it actually is, which is simply reading,
understanding, synthesizing, and regurgitating- as is the way it works in the current schooling system, unfortunately.

When and as I see a though arise in relation to past memories of struggling at school due to feeling constantly ‘lost’, I stop, and I breathe. I make the directive decision to ground myself back Here by stopping my participation of the thought and deleting it in one moment by not paying attention to it, and instead bringing my focus back to the work in front t of me, which I am NOT lost within, and which I can easily navigate so long as I read the material and focus.

I commit myself to base my self-assessments on the current reality of myself, and not upon past memories and self-definitions which I had created and carried around as survival techniques and self-manipulation to not apply myself and to not remain fully present and aware within that which I do.

I commit myself to stop the old patterns and habits I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, because I see, realize and understand that it is not rational to continue my participation within and as them, as they only serve to limit and diminish me, and that I cannot accept or allow to continue.

When and asI see that I am about to start a project from the starting point of getting through it as quickly as possible, within and as the ‘getting out of work’ character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Here within and as functioning within physical time, breath by breath, and give myself as much time as I may need to do the work properly, within reason. I remind myself that physical breath-by-breath application will seem slow and even unbearable at times, but I move myself as the living realization that there is no other way, so to thus then slow down, take a breath, take it easy, breathe and continue from Here.

I commit myself to stop validating the characters I have created and existed as, by stopping my participation in the validating process of acknowledging and paying attention to the thoughts related to past experiences of ‘getting out of the work’, and instead focusing on the work in front of me breath by breath, and changing my starting point as my approach to the work, from wanting to get it all done as fast as possible, to actually making the directive decision to do it properly, so as to remove the basis platform of this character, thus not leaving it with any leg to stand on, allowing it to fall, and to then replace it with Who I Am Here as the directive of myself as breath.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character, by stopping re-living it over and over, by changing my behavior as per the above self-commitment, from the point of realization, as the realization that this character is limiting and diminishing me, making me less than who I am.

When and as I see that I am participating in the ‘getting out of work’ character by looking at my work and only seeing millions of words on a page, creating this experience of blankness within me because I don’t yet understand them, as I have not yet read them, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical time by looking at the first paragraph ONLY, reading it through, breathing, and allowing myself to take a moment to absorb what it is saying, from words on a page, to information in my head, to understanding, and then on to the next paragraph.

Within this, I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

To be continued...

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