Day 102- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment- Backchat Dimension

This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout),  Day 100- SecretSelf-Relationship, and Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment
Within this blog, I am looking at the backchat/self-talk I experience when someon calls myname in a disappointed tone:

Backchats/self-talk:
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
3) “what I did is none of his/her business”
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested the internal emotional energetic experience of self-disappointment to the point where I have accepted and allowed an entire character to evolve from it, which speaks as a voice in the head, becoming the directive principle of who and how I am, and how I experience myself the moment it is triggered and activated by words and tonalities, specifically my secret self-disappointments which are triggered and activated at the sound of my name being spoken in a disappointed tone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created self-talk as the voice in the head to say “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say,” upon hearing my voice spoken in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea, perception and belief that something someone else says to me can actually create the experience of disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it exists within me already, because I have accepted and allowed it to, in place of having stopped and changed the actions and behaviours that disappoint me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created backchat wherein I think to myself, “don’t cry, brace yourself” to exist within and as me. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed my self-disappointment to the point that it builds up within me to an emotional outburst as crying, because in that moment I have to face it all at once, which is overwhelming and thus impossible to ‘make sense’ of everything that comes up in that moment, thus the release is in the form of tears of self-pity and self-victimization, instead of in the form of self-understanding and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the parts of me that I don’t want to look at or deal with, because it is easier to ignore and pretend it is not there than it is to address and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “what I did is none of his/her business” when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing it as unacceptable and unallowable because it is self-diminishment and self-limitation which is stopping me from living Here for real, as a real human being, I havd taken the easy route of acceptance and allowance, which entails  a 'making peace' with it, as if there were no other choice, and pretending that that is 'ok', when self-disappointment is obviously NOT 'ok', as demonstrated by the negative reactions I experience within me when I hear my name in a disappointed tone. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then defend my acceptances and allowances within the excuse “it’s none of your business”, within the belief that, if everyone would just leave me alone, I would never have to face myself. However, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that, I cannot escape facing me, as I will always be the result of what I have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within myself as backchat “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing,” within the belief that the self-disappointment I experience upon hearing my name spoken in a disappointed tone, is the fault of the speaker, instead of realizing and understanding that I am accusing another in defense of my own self-limitation.

Self-Corrective statements to follow…