Day 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout)

This blog is continued from Day 93-My Name is Kim, and Day 94- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really?

Within this blog, I am looking at the first example of my name being spoken in a certain tonality, and that tonality having an actual effect on me and on ‘who I am’, instead of standing stable in every moment.
 
Background:

“the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts,feelingsand emotionswhich are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program. And if you think about it- it really is alike a program”

Here is the first example within which I will walk the process of deconstruction:

1) “Kim”- spoken with authority and certainty, in a ‘calling my attention’ ‘come here’ type way, or the ‘your next to see the principal’ or ‘come to the teacher’s desk’ –type scenario. Within this I always hear disappointment within the tonality.
The memory I have associated with this is in second grade. The teacher called me to her desk to review the math homework I had done. I walked up to her desk not really knowing what to expect-or expecting anything really. When I got there, all I remember is that eventually started getting really mad. She asked me what was wrong with me, why didn’t I ‘get it’, she said that she wasn’t a bad teacher so it was not her it was me. I was already really shy and had kids picking on me which I dealt with by closing up and trying to disappear, so when I realized at one point that I was going to start crying, and that the entire class was looking, I felt horrified and humiliated. It was a moment where I felt vulnerable and like I was being exposed to people who either did not care or would take pleasure in it. So when I hear my name called in this tone, I feel fear and disempowered, like, no matter how much I’ve built myself up, it can be knocked over in one moment by the person calling me over.

 I will call this tonality that of ‘disappointment’.

From here, I will self-honestly within me, in hearing the tonality as ‘disappointment, what thoughts/backchats/imaginations of EXPECTATION WITHIN MYSELF have I created in relationship to the other person in MY MIND as an personality that will thus respond when/as the person speak in a disappointed energy.

Because I would have over an extended period of time, created thought, imaginations, backchats towards a person within me as reacting to them in disappointment, and then when they speak in an disappointed energy, my name, this Personality of disappointment I created in my relationship to them will activate.

Thoughts:
 
1) This image or snapshot of someone looking me right in the eyes, about to tell me something I’ve done horribly wrong.
 
2) This image or snapshot of me in a waiting room.
 
3) The sight of my teacher’s face from my desk.
 
4) The lineup of chairs in front of the principal’s office, where students await their turn to talk to the principal.
 
Backchats/self-talk:
 
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
 
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
 
3) “what I did id none of his/her business”
 
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”
 
Imaginations:
 
1) I imagine myself walking past a bunch of people staring at me in a ‘walk of shame’-type scenario, where the people are all disappointed in me or feeling glad they’re not me.
 
2) I imagine myself standing up and trying to act all cool, but really feeling really self-conscious and being terrified of what I was about to walk into.
 
3) I imagine being face to face with someone, feeling closed-in and exposed and trapped because I would now have to face this disappointing thing I had done.
 
4) I imagine the person talking to me and me feeling like their every word is just pushing me down and like I’m taking a beating, holding back tears but feeling like if I cry then they have won.

In my next blog I will forgive and release the thought dimension of this tonality in relation to my name.