Day 260 - Chasing Life Instead of Living Life – the WHY

I was asked recently to picture my perfect life, to explore the projection I have been holding onto and chasing instead of living fully present here where I am, getting to know exactly who I am right here and now, exploring and embracing all of me here. And so I pictured it in heavenly tones of whites and pearls and light greys and pinks, where I am fit, in my yoga clothes and practicing regularly, I am happy and content with myself and my body, at ease within myself. I have a well-behaved baby and dog, a perfect life partner that I communicate easily and openly with, where we support each other without any obstacles or difficulty. We have a nice house and no money worries. I am on top of organizing my life and meeting all of my needs and the needs of those around me without stress or challenge. And my house is spotless… unlike my current living situation!

And that is the rub – my current situation is not so perfect and nice, in fact, most days are filled with more difficulty, with parts of myself feeling almost like a living inner-hell when I try to confront them. I have body pains and self-image issues, I find it hard to open up and express myself and be absolutely vulnerable with my partner, I have trouble with consistency and organization, even keeping my room clean is sometimes challenging! I get stressed out, lost in my own emotions, migraines, money stress, addictions, bad habits, bad days and so much more! Yet I can so easily distract myself with my perfect projection of my perfect life that I hope will happen some day if I keep chasing it, or when things sometimes work out or are easy. I can suppress the difficult and challenging things and focus only on these fleeting moments of ease as a distraction from my actual reality.

And this is why we project and chase our perfect, ideal lives and version of ourselves in fantasies and future projections: because it is easier to do that than to actually confront and CHANGE the negative, hard, difficult and challenging moments that happen every day, right here and right now in moment-to-moment life and living. We would rather spend our time and generate positive feelings within ourselves by thinking about what an imagined future will be like, one we can visit in tough times and rough moments, but the thing is, we will never take one step towards creating it if we don’t accept and embrace the reality of ourselves right here and now.

My perfect life may not be attainable or realistic, but it serves as a guide post for what to aim for as I face my own living hell in the here and now. I can create elements of it, with the understanding that life is always going to present me with challenges and difficulties. I know I have the potential to create a much better version of myself, which is why the projection feels so real, but I can only create it in the present moment, and I can only do it by changing the parts of me that are less than my best, and that is not going to feel good or easy, and that is what I have been avoiding. I’ve been chasing my projected life instead of facing all parts of me here, the good and the bad.

In those moments where I judge my body and then eat to feel better; it’s not going to be easy to instead face the judgment and maintain my self-discipline to achieve my goal of a healthy, balanced body and body image. The moments I keep quiet when I want to speak up will be filled with fears and anxieties to walk through as I voice myself. When I push myself to be vulnerable, that panicked feeling of exposure will be there for a while at first, and it is not a pleasant experience! Learning structure, organization and putting in the effort to keep my room clean and organized will require walking a learning process and moving through physical resistances, which in my experience feels like walking through quicksand that keeps sucking me in to overwhelm or apathy.

So, in order to live life instead of chasing life, I am going to have to explore my difficulties – those things that have held me back from being and becoming my utmost potential. Avoiding and suppressing them will only lead to a disappointing and regretful life, with only the illusion of some fabulous life out there for me to fantasize about when I am feeling down. 

Exploring my difficulties will mean actually really feeling them within me, getting to know them, learning all about them so that when they come up I will be aware of them, I will walk through them and go through the pain and the momentary turmoil, with my understanding of how I can be better and what kind of a life that will lead to standing as my path or blueprint throughout the process.

I may not be able to create the perfect life, but I know I can be better. I want to see what I am actually capable of being and becoming, but this will involve facing myself as I am now, accepting and embracing the worst of me, really sinking into it, feeling it, and seeing who and what I really am and am living right now.

This blog is a continuation of ‘Day 257 - ChasingLife Instead of Living Life’

The EQAFE recordings that supported me as I walk this experience are:

Connecting to the Best of You 

"We all know what the ideal life for us would be like, but seldom does that ideal life match the life we are actually living. Could the perfect life be an illusion that will forever be beyond our reach, or is there something about the way we have been approaching our living that is keeping us from manifesting the life of our dreams?"

and

The Best of You Through the Worst of You

"On the road to creating the best version of ourselves, the last thing we want to do is having to face the worst version of ourselves first. But what do we end up losing out on when we settle for instant gratification and comfort zones instead of long term fulfillment and facing our resistances?"

Day 29- Living Words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak every word within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are less-than me, and less-than life, and have thus created myself as less-than Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words carelessly, as verbal diarrhea, thus creating myself carelessly as one that runs and hides from Life and from the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are not living, thus creating a self-that is not living in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse free-will as self-interest within my speaking and doing, as I live the word I speak that are less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to Live and Speak words as Life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to create myself with and as my words as one and equal to all that’s Here, but have instead abdicated my self-responsibility to words of self-interest, which allow me to continue living within escape, addiction and abdication.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take the time to prove to myself that I am in fact Here, living, by speaking words as me, as my living flesh, as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as one and equal within the words I speak/have spoken.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider all that is Here within my every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my words spoken and live in anything other than oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am my own creator as the words I speak, and therefore have manifested myself as words that are less-than life, thus manifesting myself as less-than life without realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think.believe/perceive that I did not know that I was speaking words as less-than who I am as life, but rather continued accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself life, by not giving life as the living word, and have thus only manifested myself as devolution.

When and as I see that I am not speaking self-honestly, as living words which consider all and what is best for all I stop, and I breathe. I take a moment to allow myself to return Here, to self, in order to speak as me, and not as mind, thus taking all the time I need to speak self-honestly in every word, without fear.

I commit myself to practice speaking self-honestly as the living word, within and as each word, until it is an automated action that I have proven to myself and thus can trust.

I commit myself to become the living word as what is best for all life.

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

            It’s so easy to blame. When I take a good, self-honest look at my life, like and overview, I see that I used blame a lot. Everything I felt, every internal experience, I felt was caused or consequence of the actions of another. When I started to take myself back from blame, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I began to stop blaming. But I realized: something is still there. As it turns out, the one I really blame the most, is me.

            I understand the principle that everything we do unto ourselves, we project on to others, especially the really destructive, self-sabotaging stuff that we don’t want to admit or take responsibility for. For me it is self-blame. Not only self-blame, but for now, I am walking the point of self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the cause of the moods and reactions of others, and thus, I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and/or perceive that “if only I were a better child/person/friend/wife/sister/daughter, then everything and everyone around me would be better.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for suppressing me, compromising me and punishing me, instead of taking self-responsibility for the self-suppression, self-compromise and self-punishment within the realization that blame has no value/place/worth to me or anyone else, and only abuses both the blamer and the blamed, and it does NOT lead to self-change or self-improvement, it rather cycles within me and diminishes me over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with self-blame, by constantly putting myself down and belittling myself in relation to others because I blamed/blame myself for all that is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for situations that had/have nothing to do with me, and which are beyond my control, instead of taking self-responsibility for me, and allowing the situation to unfold, as it will, and finding my role within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-blame, within the belief that who I am is ‘bad,’ or somehow ‘not right,’ instead of realizing that each one is reacting to themselves, and to what they have accepted and allowed within them, just as I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the ego-centric position of thinking, believing and perceiving that everything is elated to me, instead of realizing my absolute equality with everything and everyone, wherein EACH must take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that ‘I’m not good enough,’ and thus blame myself when I perceive others are dissatisfied with me/my work/our relationship/friendship, etc...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for dissatisfaction, in order to confirm to myself, that I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is an abdication of self-responsibility, because it is the statement that ‘I am flawed and cannot change, and thus I must be blamed instead.’ Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is self-sabotage, wherein I blame myself as a way to put myself down and disempower myself instead of standing up and changing me, due to the FEAR of standing up and changing me, because that would involve taking a good hard look at me, what I have allowed myself to become, and what I have accepted as myself, as less-that who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, as self-victimization, because I have blamed me over the years, instead of stopping my participation in this pattern and instead empowering myself to live me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as blame in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of being crushed, and the absolute disempowerment that I experience when and as I participate in self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame to create a negative emotional-energetic experience within me, due to my addiction to and enslavement by the highs, neutrals and lows of energy.

When and as I see that I am participating in self-blame or blame, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within reminding myself that blame only prevents me from changing that which I am blaming myself for. I direct myself to stand up within and as self-blame, and allow myself to release myself from self-blame within the understanding that it does not serve me within my process of self-change.

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, eradicate self-blame and blame from my life completely, and replace it with self-responsibility- thus empowering myself to change me and direct me.

I commit myself to taking myself back from self-blame, within self-forgiveness for all the times I gave myself and my power away within and as self-blame (and blame).

I commit myself to understand and be aware of how I use self-blame daily, so that I may stop, and instead start living.