Day 41 - Something is Looming

I just finished writing my exams and, something I’ve been working on is being able to function without the constant experience of stress when there is something big, like an exam, coming up wherein t feels like this ‘looming.’ It causes me stress and then resistances towards doing the thing because now it seems big and daunting. This is a very familiar recurring pattern in my life which started at quite a young age. Back then, however, I trusted my internal experience as who I am, as what is real and what is truth, in a way. So, when I would experience that resistance to the ‘looming’ thing, I would just avoid it. Consequently, the thing which should have been addressed in the moment builds and builds until it can no longer be ignored, because it has now created consequences which require to be dealt with.

Since Desteni, I have been facing these things, pushing through my resistances towards themand essentially practicing seeing tasks through from beginning to end. The results have been amazing, yet I have not been doing it long enough or consistently enough for it to have fully integrated into my reality. So therefore, when I have things that need to be taken care of, I have this automatic reaction of doom about how it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass later. This reaction is learned, it has been built over time, a loooong time, so I’m going to do some self-forgiveness on the point to hasten the integration. I realize and understand that it will still take time and consistent application, and I’m cool with that, but everything is better directed with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest the fear reaction as an internal experience of stress and ‘looming’ as a reaction to the thoughts and backchat I allow myself to participate within and as when I have what I judge as a large task or obligation to complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the internal reactions of fear, stress and ‘looming’ when and as I am about to begin a task to which I experience resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear, stress and the experience of ‘looming’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the experience of looming has nothing to do with the actual task, as I see and realize that once the task is completed, the feeling doesn’t go away, it rather attaches itself to the next thing I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to find things to experience fear, stress and looming about, because of and due to my addiction to fear and stress as negative energetic experiences that I manifest within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to simply let go of the experience that something big and bad is looming in my near future, accompanied by the experience that I am unable to do anything to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and understand my capabilities, and my ability to direct myself and my world, and that I will do what needs to be done in the moment and the larger the task, the more certain I am that I will do it.

To be continued……..

When and as I see that I am creating a looming experience accompanied by stress and fear, based on future projections, thoughts and backchat I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that the experience is not real and not actually connected to the upcoming event, but rather a self-created manifestation to feed my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety, with which I have had enough. I stop my participation within and as these things because I realize that they do not serve me.

I commit myself to stopping my participation within and as my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety by stopping myself when and as I see that I am participating in the experience of a ‘looming’ within me, by breathing through the experience till the energy runs out, and then doing something practical/responsible in the moment within self-direction.

I commit myself to directing myself through any and all energetic experiences, that I ma push through and direct me no matter what.

I commit myself to rid myself of fear, stress and anxiety so that I may be the self-directive principle that directs myself to be one part in bringing about a world that’s best for all.

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

            It’s so easy to blame. When I take a good, self-honest look at my life, like and overview, I see that I used blame a lot. Everything I felt, every internal experience, I felt was caused or consequence of the actions of another. When I started to take myself back from blame, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I began to stop blaming. But I realized: something is still there. As it turns out, the one I really blame the most, is me.

            I understand the principle that everything we do unto ourselves, we project on to others, especially the really destructive, self-sabotaging stuff that we don’t want to admit or take responsibility for. For me it is self-blame. Not only self-blame, but for now, I am walking the point of self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the cause of the moods and reactions of others, and thus, I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and/or perceive that “if only I were a better child/person/friend/wife/sister/daughter, then everything and everyone around me would be better.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for suppressing me, compromising me and punishing me, instead of taking self-responsibility for the self-suppression, self-compromise and self-punishment within the realization that blame has no value/place/worth to me or anyone else, and only abuses both the blamer and the blamed, and it does NOT lead to self-change or self-improvement, it rather cycles within me and diminishes me over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with self-blame, by constantly putting myself down and belittling myself in relation to others because I blamed/blame myself for all that is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for situations that had/have nothing to do with me, and which are beyond my control, instead of taking self-responsibility for me, and allowing the situation to unfold, as it will, and finding my role within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-blame, within the belief that who I am is ‘bad,’ or somehow ‘not right,’ instead of realizing that each one is reacting to themselves, and to what they have accepted and allowed within them, just as I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the ego-centric position of thinking, believing and perceiving that everything is elated to me, instead of realizing my absolute equality with everything and everyone, wherein EACH must take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that ‘I’m not good enough,’ and thus blame myself when I perceive others are dissatisfied with me/my work/our relationship/friendship, etc...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for dissatisfaction, in order to confirm to myself, that I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is an abdication of self-responsibility, because it is the statement that ‘I am flawed and cannot change, and thus I must be blamed instead.’ Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is self-sabotage, wherein I blame myself as a way to put myself down and disempower myself instead of standing up and changing me, due to the FEAR of standing up and changing me, because that would involve taking a good hard look at me, what I have allowed myself to become, and what I have accepted as myself, as less-that who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, as self-victimization, because I have blamed me over the years, instead of stopping my participation in this pattern and instead empowering myself to live me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as blame in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of being crushed, and the absolute disempowerment that I experience when and as I participate in self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame to create a negative emotional-energetic experience within me, due to my addiction to and enslavement by the highs, neutrals and lows of energy.

When and as I see that I am participating in self-blame or blame, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within reminding myself that blame only prevents me from changing that which I am blaming myself for. I direct myself to stand up within and as self-blame, and allow myself to release myself from self-blame within the understanding that it does not serve me within my process of self-change.

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, eradicate self-blame and blame from my life completely, and replace it with self-responsibility- thus empowering myself to change me and direct me.

I commit myself to taking myself back from self-blame, within self-forgiveness for all the times I gave myself and my power away within and as self-blame (and blame).

I commit myself to understand and be aware of how I use self-blame daily, so that I may stop, and instead start living.

Day 20-21 – Seeing it Through

Yesterday I had an experience of what felt like depressiveness, wherein everything felt difficult and I fell into the mind and I was not effective. As it was happening I was aware of the fact that it would not be like that forever. In fact, it has happened quite often that I have difficult days like this and I always end up being okay, bouncing back the next day. Today was as I had expected, wherein I felt much more able to direct me and I saw that everything is still Here, and I am still Here able to direct me. So, this pattern involves me falling into a depressive state, which involves self-judgment and manipulation, only to see that it is not real, it is just an experience that I am able to direct myself through so that, when I wake up the next day, I can still have taken a step, instead of having to go through the motions of having fallen the day before. It’s so obvious now, but yesterday it wasn’t at all because I was in this depressive mind-possession wherein I felt like "I wasn’t doing or being ‘enough’ and I probably never will be". I wrote a blog about it, but then I watched one of Bernard’s videos on depression and decided to see the pattern through to a solution before writing about it.

First, I will post the blog from yesterday, and then conclude with my solution and corrective application.

Day 20- Depressive Possession

I walked a very bizarre day today. I spent the entire day alone without any interaction and allowed myself to indulge in the mind wherein I experienced a recurring emotional energetic state of lostness, aloneness, and depression. I did not move me effectively and so I need a practical application with which to face this because for the next several months, aloneness will be prominent in m reality.

It’s interesting because I am coming from an environment that was ‘chaotic,’ with people and animals all the time seemingly everywhere, where at times I felt like I couldn’t ‘get away’, and I wanted peace and quiet. Now I have that, and it is not as I projected it would be. I am not serene, effective and efficient, as I imagined I would be. I created for myself a feeling of lostness, aloneness and depression, and today I let it get the best of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need ‘company’ to occupy my environment in order that I may stay present instead of drifting off into my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own company, wherein I remain present alone with myself- no different than if I were not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not already alone, even in the presence of others, because I am alone within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed and used to living within and as personalities for others, that I do not even really know who I am when I am alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to know me, or to have taken the time to get to know myself as who I really am, because I have instead wasted my time pursuing endless thoughts, fantasies, imaginations, entertainment etc… distracting myself while I was missing me, not spending time within and as me as presence and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate/connect a feeling of lostness to the emotional experience of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am and always have been right Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind, thus manifesting a feeling of ‘lostness’ instead of being present with myself and moving me within and as self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become ‘frazzled’ because I think/believe/perceive myself to be lost, and then I attempt to find me by looking for an experience of myself, or an experience of stability, an experience of what it ‘should’ feel like to ‘find’ me or be me, instead of simply stopping, breathing and coming back into the present moment where I am and always have been waiting for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the emotional energetic experience of depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe depression to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become depressive, wherein I allow myself to sink into a 'depression' by accepting and allowing myself as the mind to suppress myself as Life due to my accepted and allowed participation within and as thoughts of inferiority, and self-judgment that I am not 'where I should be', or that I haven't accomplished what I 'should have' accomplished, instead of realizing that the only step I can take is the next step Here, and not skip a bunch of steps in order to be 'there' where I 'should’ be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to continue to indulge within these thoughts/moods/emotions/feeling/beliefs because that is what I have always done, instead of realizing there is another choice and another way, I only have to go through the discomfort of breaking the habits and patterns I've become accustomed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself with depression, wherein I am attempting to fool myself into believing I am not effective, not making enough progress, not doing well enough, etc... accompanied by the belief that I cannot change .

I see, realize and understand that these are only beliefs of the mind, and they are only as real as I make them by participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate, thus putting tasks off into a future that is not Here, it is only in my mind, wherein it exists as a future in which I will 'feel better,' 'get things done,' 'be more motivated,' thus creating an entire projection of this 'better' future and then comparing it to where I am now, thus manifesting self-judgment, self-defeat, self-pity, etc... and eventually, depression.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to utilize every Here moment to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a programmed zombie robot that only follows old habits and patterns, directed by the endless meaningless cycles of my internal experience, instead of waking up and directing me as a principled self-leader who functions in common sense.

I commit myself to waking up from the slumber I have been in for my whole Life, to stop blindly following the smoke and mirror-mazes of the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, ideas, perceptions and feelings as my internal experience as my mind, and to instead stand as principled and common sense living that takes into consideration that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping my patterns and habits of indulging in the mind, in which I allow me to feel lost, alone and depressed, and to instead return to the presence of breath which is Here, with everything and everyone else in existence, where aloneness is all-oneness.

I commit myself to asserting myself in every Here moment.

I commit myself to discover myself within self-intimacy and self-understanding, so as not to miss another moment as an opportunity to actually Live as me.

DAY 21 -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into the mind within the belief that there is no other way, and no way out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to assert myself despite/in spite of my internal experience, wherein I could have taken steps and furthered myself with self-direction, but instead I stagnated, thus creating the experience that I went through yesterday as an accumulation of such points.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that every moment counts, and that every moment is an opportunity which can be utilized within self-movement, as every breath I take is an opportunity to move towards self-expansion, self-intimacy and self-mastery.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that only at death is it too late, and that I can and will pick myself up every time I fall, and so within this realization, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second within self-doubt, self-victimization and self-defeat, because I know that I will pick myself up and keep going, so there’s no point in contemplating it, questioning it or trying to test it out and experience it, because it is not an experience of myself, it simply IS who I am and what I will do and continue doing till it’s done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have too much self-forgiveness and self-introspection to do that I can’t possibly sort myself out in time. “It will take time, but not an endless amount of time” –BP.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am my priority right now, and in order to sort myself out effectively, I need to make time for me, and direct myself to use my time more efficiently as I apply myself in this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the pattern of depressiveness again…. But-

I see, realize and understand that this recent past experience has shown me one thing: that this pattern is useless/pointless/a waste of time/does not serve me in any way whatsoever. However, I see, realize and understand that in the past, I would have bounced back into polarity, whereas today I directed me so as not to create the opposite extreme of depression (which will only set me up for another crash). I see the polarity here, and I will not participate within and as it.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in the polarities of energy by observing the repeating patters of the highs and lows I experience, by pushing through the lows until they no longer influence me in/as my application of myself, and to breathe through and not participate within the highs, because, as tempting as they may seem, they are not worth it, as all they do is return me to the cycle of then experiencing depressiveness, and thus wasting my time and my life.

Icommit myself to walking a process that will lead me to become the living realization of the absolute dedication and commitment it takes to apply myself in every moment, as well as the importance of doing so, and I commit myself to whatever amount of time it will take.

I commit myself to making “every moment count,” wherein I assert myself in every moment, despite my internal experience of myself.

When and as I see that I am facing an accumulation of points which manifests itself as depressiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the only way through is through, and that I MUST stand, I MUST push through, because it is a manifested consequence that I already created for myself, and the only thing there is to do is walk through it and learn the lesson, so as to not repeat and manifest the same consequences again.