Day 79- Fear of Confrontation (Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Application Statements )

Within this blog, I am writing self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from my previous blogs, Days 76 and 77. This is to assist and support myself to walk out of the fear of confrontation, and into and as a self-directed being of/as effective communication and self-authority.

I commit myself to push myself till I am able to stand stable in the face of confrontation or any other social interaction, within/through understanding my own mind and the within/as my mind fears I have created for myself, deconstructing those fears and seeing them for what they really are: limitation- Self-imposed limitation, that is. And within this, I realize I have a choice. Through self-forgiveness I can forgive myself for what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to live as thus far, because within forgiveness there is responsibility- the responsibility to change self- because a population of fearful and limited beings is not a population that will stand up for Life in this world. However, I can only take responsibility for myself, and change myself, because each is responsible for self and will face self at the end of the day.

When and as I see that I am suppressing myself due to the fear of feeling ‘bad or ‘wrong’ based on someone confronting me about something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that feeling ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ is no longer an option because now I have self-forgiveness: I forgive myself, I look at my starting point, and I change when/where necessary. In this way, I see, realize and understand that Life becomes all about learning, expanding and growing, instead of fearing, suppressing and controlling. Awesome.

Ego:

I commit myself to not take being confronted personally, because I understand the reaction of another is never about me, it’s only ever about self. Within this, I see, realize and understand that I can only make it about me if I am participating and interacting from a starting point of and as ego- because then all and everything is about me, thus:

When and as I see that I am participating with another from a starting point of ego- wherein I feel ‘attacked’ and like I’m ‘losing’ the fight, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back out of ego by breathing through the energetic experience of ‘loss’ and ‘defensiveness’ until the energy is gone. I realize that I cannot be trusted when I am participating within/as ego, so I direct myself to end the confrontation/interaction before I do any more damage/create any more consequences. I breathe, and I end it, and I realize that there is no competition, there are no ‘winners’ and ‘losers’. There is only effective or non-effective communication, and one is a waste of time.

I commit myself to write myself outwhenever I see that I participated from within/as a starting point of ego as one of many characters of the mind, until I see/realize/understand what triggered the character, why I accepted/allowed it, and how I developed it over time, so that I can effectively stop and erase that character in order that I remain Here through any and all interaction, as a stable being that can be trusted over time.

I commit myself to only participate in effective communication, and to perfect my communication skills till I can create/direct myself as an effective communicator of words that I Live as myself as Life.

When and as I think/believe/perceive that I have upset someone by what I have done/said, I stop, and I breathe. I stop myself from reacting in fear and I instead direct myself to look at the starting point of what I said. Can I stand by it, or was it from a starting point of ego. If I can stand by it, I humbly do. If it was from ego, I do not defend it, but rather stop, and let go, and breathe through the energetic experiences that may follow. I stop my participation until I see that I can be trusted to stand.

 

Authority

I commit myself to stop my reliance upon external authority, and to instead be/become a self-responsible being that considers myself and my place in this world, and acting according to principle, that I can be trusted and trust myself and Who I am in every breath, and thus not require authority.

When and as I see that I am accepting/allowing another to have authority over me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that any influence authority has within me indicates a lack of self-authority, so I take back my self-authority by being/becoming the author of myself, through scripting and directing myself as who I am/will be as a self-honest being that does what’s best for all. So…

When and as I see that the authority of another is influencing me in any way, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-authority by stopping my reaction and letting go, then bringing myself back Here by reminding myself that I had abdicated my self-authority, ad now is time to take it back. I take these moments as reminders that I must be my own authority in every single breath, or else somebody else will do it for me, and I do not want anyone to author my Life for me, as it will never be what’s best for me/best for all unless I take the self-responsibility to do it myself within/as self-equality as all as one as equal.

           

Day 41 - Something is Looming

I just finished writing my exams and, something I’ve been working on is being able to function without the constant experience of stress when there is something big, like an exam, coming up wherein t feels like this ‘looming.’ It causes me stress and then resistances towards doing the thing because now it seems big and daunting. This is a very familiar recurring pattern in my life which started at quite a young age. Back then, however, I trusted my internal experience as who I am, as what is real and what is truth, in a way. So, when I would experience that resistance to the ‘looming’ thing, I would just avoid it. Consequently, the thing which should have been addressed in the moment builds and builds until it can no longer be ignored, because it has now created consequences which require to be dealt with.

Since Desteni, I have been facing these things, pushing through my resistances towards themand essentially practicing seeing tasks through from beginning to end. The results have been amazing, yet I have not been doing it long enough or consistently enough for it to have fully integrated into my reality. So therefore, when I have things that need to be taken care of, I have this automatic reaction of doom about how it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass later. This reaction is learned, it has been built over time, a loooong time, so I’m going to do some self-forgiveness on the point to hasten the integration. I realize and understand that it will still take time and consistent application, and I’m cool with that, but everything is better directed with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest the fear reaction as an internal experience of stress and ‘looming’ as a reaction to the thoughts and backchat I allow myself to participate within and as when I have what I judge as a large task or obligation to complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the internal reactions of fear, stress and ‘looming’ when and as I am about to begin a task to which I experience resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear, stress and the experience of ‘looming’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the experience of looming has nothing to do with the actual task, as I see and realize that once the task is completed, the feeling doesn’t go away, it rather attaches itself to the next thing I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to find things to experience fear, stress and looming about, because of and due to my addiction to fear and stress as negative energetic experiences that I manifest within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to simply let go of the experience that something big and bad is looming in my near future, accompanied by the experience that I am unable to do anything to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and understand my capabilities, and my ability to direct myself and my world, and that I will do what needs to be done in the moment and the larger the task, the more certain I am that I will do it.

To be continued……..

When and as I see that I am creating a looming experience accompanied by stress and fear, based on future projections, thoughts and backchat I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that the experience is not real and not actually connected to the upcoming event, but rather a self-created manifestation to feed my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety, with which I have had enough. I stop my participation within and as these things because I realize that they do not serve me.

I commit myself to stopping my participation within and as my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety by stopping myself when and as I see that I am participating in the experience of a ‘looming’ within me, by breathing through the experience till the energy runs out, and then doing something practical/responsible in the moment within self-direction.

I commit myself to directing myself through any and all energetic experiences, that I ma push through and direct me no matter what.

I commit myself to rid myself of fear, stress and anxiety so that I may be the self-directive principle that directs myself to be one part in bringing about a world that’s best for all.

Day 17- Survival of the Fittest Ego

            I was talking to a man about the student tuition protests that are taking place around where I live. I didn’t want to because I’ve noticed that these discussions get pretty fired up, and in the end, the whole thing is usually pretty inconsequential and useless. I resisted talking about it at first, but when he pulled a picture out of his pocket which looked like propaganda, depicting female students as girls-gone-wild types and males as violent anarchists, I let it get the best of me and proceeded to defend the students. He got really mad and narrowed in on me, his eyes completely changed, and his tone got angry and his whole body language changed and it scared me.

            What I observed within myself was this strong desire to not let him ‘win’. I felt I should be able to speak without being ‘shot down’ by an angry man. But when he began to change and go into what seemed like ‘attack mode’ I felt like by this sheer ‘force’ that he was becoming he had the power to diminish and discredit me. I started to feel like I didn’t really know what I was talking about and a bit vulnerable, and this made me angry. Then, I started to shake. It was cold out, and I had been shivering before, but as we were talking and I become angry and scared, I really began to shake.

            As it was happening, I kept telling myself to stop and breathe, to calm down and let it go… but I kept allowing myself to be ‘sucked back in’ within the desire to jump back into the conversation. I didn’t jump back into the conversation, but each time I thought about it I would get all charged up with this fear and anger energy which felt like a rush and was making me shake. Everyone had had a couple drinks (except me, I don’t drink), and I could see a little belligerence emerging so I decided to take a step back and look at the whole situation for what it was: all talk. I saw that nothing was going to come of this. I saw that this is a pattern that this specific male has been repeating for years as I recalled arguments between him and others quite often, only they had never been directed at me. I saw that I am not even really on any side of the student protests, as they are illegal manifestations and therefore disempower the students instead of taking the longer yet legal democratic approach (as is being done by the Equal Money System, wherein politics is used to gain the consent of the people to change public policy to support the population in the most effective ways, which would, of course, include an entire overhaul of the educational system). So, in the end- I just wanted to speak an opinion and either be ‘right’, or at least not be entirely discredited in front of the group.

            In the end, I am entirely unsatisfied with the way I reacted internally to the situation. It left me feeling disempowered, angry, and frustrated. So, my self-forgiveness for today will concentrate on this tendency I have of speaking up for the wrong reasons and at the wrong times, thus sabotaging myself by going into fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into the energetic experience of wanting to be right, wanting to make a point as a matter of opinion, and wanting to ‘win’ an argument, thus leaving me vulnerable because I end up speaking words I can’t stand by in situations that are ‘obsolete,’ so to speak, because I would not even be speaking words as me, but rather words as opinions and words as weapons in a competition with another being that was displaying aggressive body language. If I had participated I would have brought myself to that level, thus making the statement that I support this type of behavior which comes down to survival games of competition where there are winners and losers and conflict, instead of me standing as an example of support and cooperation with my ‘fellow man’, or simply not participating nor supporting such behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to spew (mostly meaningless) opinions (meaningless because they are not backed by any direct or practical actions that will bring my opinions out of my mind and into actual reality, therefore making them ‘all talk’ for the sake of winning/being right/competing).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to be right for the sake of competition against another being within the want/need/desire to ‘win’ and the other to ‘lose’, instead of standing as a pillar of support/example of support/cooperation, which is what needs to be born into this physical existence at an individual level, instead of the endless patterns we have been repeating for millennia, which are survival, competition, and winning/losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become overwhelmed by my human nature of survival and competition, wherein I want/need/desire to win/be right, and even though I stopped myself from fully participating, I still went on the roller-coaster ride of feeling/emotions/reactions wherein I went into inferiority/fear/anger instead of remaining stable, Here, and not participating in the mind in any way except as to observe my internal processes and the nature of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, in order that I may forgive myself and change my nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of superiority/inferiority, wherein I think/believe/perceive knowledge and information as some kind of power over me, making me less-than another within the belief that I may not know enough and be called out, which would be embarrassing, instead of standing up as Who I Am as a human being, equal to and one with all other beings in existence where no polarity actually exists, and where to fear another would mean to fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself because I don’t trust that I will ‘keep it together’ in and emotional argument, wherein I fear I will go into ‘survival mode’ and attack the other, either physically or verbally, thus creating consequences I don’t want to face.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to trust myself with another being, within the belief that another being can ‘set me off’ and I will lose control because I have so much anger which I so easily project onto another instead of taking responsibility for that anger and using it to change me into a being that is responsible and who lives according to the principles of equality and oneness, within which anger is not created as no abuse is possible when all are equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my suppressed anger when I’m in a confrontation wherein I project onto the other being all the anger I have towards myself, for all the times I should have stopped or stood up, but didn’t, in this, I end up blaming others for me not being able to stand, because I fear them, or I go into inferiority around them, and instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that these are only beliefs in my mind, I believe them to be real and to be caused by the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away and thus to disempower myself by using blame within the belief that the other being is causing me to fear, and/or is causing me to experience the internal energetic experience of inferiority and vulnerability, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that is has always been me creating these experiences due to me making the experience seem so real by participating within and as them since my beginnings, instead of standing up and saying ‘NO’, and stopping myself from the temptations of the mind, and instead observing the reality of the situation for what it really is, which is basically and energetic shitshow where everyone involved is just doing the same thing in endless circles, which is spewing opinions, instigating confrontations, participating in reactive behaviours/feelings/emotions and feeding their egos by wanting/needing/desiring to ‘win’ and be ‘right’ as I experienced within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become tempted to compete in the game of the survival of the fittest ego, which is a game of intimidation, polarity and manipulation, a game which has no meaning and no end, and which only creates conflict between peers and time loops to be lived out again as a waste of time and thus a waste of Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second of my Life by trying to compete against another’s ego, within and as my ego, instead of standing up as all  as one as equal as Life Here, within the cooperation, support, listening/hearing, respect, dignity and integrity that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up due to fear of embarrassment, instead of embracing myself as Life wherein I accept me no matter what mistakes I experience  in front of a groups, because I understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn and change and improve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the emotional energetic experience of fear, anger and competition against another instead of asserting myself within awareness, wherein it is very clear why and how this behavior is abusive, and why and how I will not stand for/as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe another human being is superior to me because he/she displays more conviction, wherein one is a CONVICT of vIctory Over aNother. This is not equality. This is what, in a billion little ways, creates a world of inequality, and I STOP myself from participating within and as this behavior in my daily life, so as not to pass it along or perpetuate in even one of the billion little ways, so that I can be one part of the change we need to be to change our nature and thus, change our reality to one that supports instead of destroys Life.

I commit myself to STOP participating in the behavior of survival, competition, and inferiority/superiority that has thus far been the nature that I have consciously or subconsciously accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, as ‘human nature’ which we learn/create/pass on from generation to generation and perpetuate through our economic system, consumerism, education, religion and most all man(mind)-made systems within which we exist and collectively participate in today.

I commit myself to stop my participation within the indulgence of the mind in emotional and feeling energy that I have become addicted to, and to instead stand up from within that in order to function as a part of the actual physical reality we all share HERE and NOT in my mind where only I exist.

I commit myself to eradicate from myself, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, the emotions, feeling, ideas and beliefs (etc…) that overwhelm me and cause me to shake, until I am stable, Here, and able to breathe through these reactions in order that I may see a situation with clarity, practicality and understanding, and direct myself according to what is best for all, and not what is best for ego.

I commit myself to understanding myself so that I may direct myself within equality and oneness, and not fear the unknown parts of my mind that cause me to not trust me.

I commit myself to walk into the darkness that I am in order that I may not fear me, but may instead expose me to myself and change that which is not aligned to what’s best for all until my living, breathing actions and words are a statement and a living application of equality and oneness wherein I allow myself to be the hearing/listening, seeing, understanding being of dignity, integrity and respect that I Am.

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear, anger or inferiority with another being in some kind of confrontation I STOP, and I breathe until the energy is gone. I direct myself to take a step back from the situation in order that I may see clearly the actual reality of what is going on and what my role is within it. I direct myself to either stop my participation, or to act, wherein my actions are based on what’s best for all within the practical limitations of this physical reality.