Within this blog, I am looking at a second event in which I
experienced the fear of confrontation. And although I may have appeared
confident and certain on the outside, this is what I went through internally
(beginning with a brief description of the event, from yesterday’s blog)”
“ [the event]
involved me revealing a decision I had made to some people who very likely
would not approve. I experienced several waves of fear before telling them. It
was this not wanting to share my decision, keep it a secret, suppress it, hide
it and don’t let anybody know about it, instead of standing as it. And this is
very much how I experience myself within myself- as this hiding, keeping
secret, suppressing, or restricting/restraining/controlling. I see that the
decision was in fact a part of me that I was exposing, and then the part of me
that wanted to keep it hidden/secret, is the part that I’ve abdicated- that’s the
part that lays itself down and lets the fear walk all over it. I ended up
speaking my decision, because I had to, and it was a bit of a rocky road for me
within the conversation that took place afterwards. I felt like I had to defend
myself and convince the others that the decision was a ‘good’ one- again
seeking validation/approval.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear standing equal to and one with the decisions I make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear expressing myself within/as self-direction within/as the
decisions I make, specifically when I think/believe/perceive the decision will
be challenged.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear having my decisions challenged or resisted, and within this,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear to have any part of myself challenged/resisted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to want/need/desire to hide/keep secret/suppress any part of myself due
to the fear of having it challenged or resisted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to want, need and/or desire to restrict/restrain/control myself
within/as the fear of having that part of me challenged or resisted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because then I have
to stand up within/as Who I Am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because I exist
within/as ego, and ego can be hurt, ego can lose in the game of winners and
losers- a game created within/as ego, and ego doesn’t like to lose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to approach others from a starting point of ego, wherein I participate
within an unspoken competition, instead of walking my process within/as
humility, where I stand within the principle of oneness and equality within my
interactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to restrict/restrain/control myself as ego, in situations where I
think/believe/perceive I might ‘lose.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to participate in a game of winners and losers, and I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to value ‘winners’ as ‘more than’ and ‘losers’ as
‘less than’, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear being ‘less than’ within and as my own self-definition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to want/need/desire to ‘win’ and be ‘more-than others, and I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘losing’ and being ‘less-than’
others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to think/believe/perceive that whomever ‘wins’ and is ‘more-than;
gets/deserves the ‘power’ in the situation, and whomever ‘loses’ and is ‘less-than’
has to/must abdicate his/her power because of some unspoken ‘rules of
engagement’ within relationships between people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to place myself as ‘more-‘ or ‘less-than’ any other being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to feel guilty when I’ve defined myself as having ‘lost’, to then not
abdicate my power because I’ve seen/realized/understood that ‘I’m still Here’,
and thus, I see/realize/understand that the game does not exist, and that we
are all in fact equal.
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