Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Day 87- Going Down the Rabbit's Hole or Still Staring at the Mirror?

These are the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements based on my last blog “Day 86- Moving Forward,Missing the NOW.” The main realizations I had within and through writing these statements is that I have the tendency to project and imagine ‘big things’ and ‘big plans’ for myself, in the mind where the entire play out can be played out in seconds, wherein there is an instant gratification and feelings of accomplishment experienced within me. However, the ‘downfall’ and consequential outflow of this are that I become discouraged and defeated when I go to bring those plans into action in the real world, the physical world outside of my mind, the reality we all share, otherwise known as Here. These feelings lead to ‘stagnation’ and ‘stuckness’ within which I am not as effective within what I do, because in a way, I feel as though I have already failed. This then leads to the experience of being overwhelmed with the amount of actual steps it will take to accomplish that which I want to accomplish, and then I experience anxiety as a ‘falling behind’ because in my mind, I am already way ahead of myself.

It takes time, dedication, commitment and patience to get things done in the physical reality, and these are the things I am mapping myself out to become. I see, realize and understand that I can only work from Here, and that there is a difference between making a plan or long term goals, and fantasizing about what it will be like ‘then’, when everything is done and where, in my mind, everything was easy and successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously require signs that I am ‘moving forward.’

I commit myself to be and become the forward motion I want to be instead of looking for ways to merely experience it by looking for signs to tell me that I am doing it. I see realize and understand that if I were in fact ‘doing it’, I would not require signs and I would not want/need/desire signs in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought/perception of ‘forward motion’ with a positive charge.

I commit myself to untangle the relationships I have created with external people, things and events in my life, including expectations, fears, wants, desires, etc…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive ‘forward motion’ is good/right/positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘forward motion’ as events taking place, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I can only develop myself as who I Am Here.

I commit myself to live the definition of ‘forward motion’ as me developing myself Here, in the moment, within and as presence and awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a feeling of anxiety within and as me because I feel like I can never do ‘enough’.

I commit myself to do only what I can do in a single breath, breath by breath, within and as self-direction always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring everything I have to do Here in one moment, within the belief that I need to do it all now and charging it with a sense of urgency, thus overwhelming myself in this moment, instead of taking into consideration the many steps each project or task requires, and the consistent daily application required in order to get it all done, bit by bit.

I commit myself to map out the necessary steps required to complete a plan, and then to take those steps one by one, until it’s done, no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to remain patient with myself as I move at the pace of the physical, and not within the instant gratification of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the internal energetic experience of impatience, anxiousness and stagnation when I am waiting for an event, instead of realizing and understanding that Who I Am in the moment is what determines me, not what I do nor how many events come and go.

I commit myself to continue to push and apply myself in every moment, especially in the time between events, because that is the time where I have nothing to motivate me, and where I must really apply myself to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider that each time I get overwhelmed and fall within my daily responsibility to myself, I create more work for later, which will build up and thus I am manifesting the overwhelming and anxious experience which I am creating within and as me in the first place, only now it’s for real.

I commit myself to push through and maintain my stability through periods of ‘overwhelmingness’, and to not get lost within them, because I know they are of energy, and energy is only ever temporary. I realize and understand that, if I push through, I will come out of it a little stronger and a little more stable, and that is how I build/manifest and create myself.

I commit myself to build/manifest/create for/as myself a self that I can trust and depend on, by constantly and consistently making the decision to bring myself back Here, out of the mind and into the physical,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the actual real-life and real-time experience of overwhlmingness and anxiety for myself by constantly creating the experience for myself in my mind.

I commit myself to STOP creating myself unconsciously, at the whim of/as my mind, and to create myself instead within and as self-direction, where I decide who/how I will be.

I commit myself to stop all anxiety and overwhelmingness as it comes up in/as me, and to instead direct myself to move me to self-directed actions that I choose in accordance with doing what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistances for myself in relation to responsibilities in my life and world, because I know deep down that I can never do enough to get me ‘there’, thus I know deep down that no matter how much I do and how hard I try, I will always end up burnt out and overwhelmed because there’s no other way to do it than one day at a time, one action at a time, and one breath at a time, Here.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by looking for the easy way out and looking for an escape from Here.  I see, realize and understand that no matter how hard I try to get tHere, I will always only be Here with me, so I commit myself to make the choice to be Here, wholly.
Self-forgiveness and Self-commitments continued in the next blog...


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