While I was talking to someone today, it was pointed out to
me that I have the tendency to seek ‘forward motion.’ Within this tendency, I
look for signs of accomplishments which would indicate to me that I am taking
steps towards my goals, in order to have the experience of forward motion. For
example, I’m job hunting at the moment, and it hasn’t even been a week, and I
was talking about how I don’t have a job yet, and how I want to have the job
NOW so that I can have ‘forward motion’ and be saving money and getting on with
my big plans. The problem within this is that, I’m literally taking on this
stance of constantly looking into the future and judging my current progress as
if I’m looking back at myself. So I am , in my mind, waaaay ahead, looking back
at me Here and being like, “common, catch up”. So instead of living in the one
Here moment that is actually real, participating in my life with presences and
awareness, I’m furiously rushing within myself to catch up to… myself.
When I go into this ‘mode’ or character, I experience myself
as constantly ‘checking in’, judging my progress and getting pretty down on
myself, as if I’m never doing enough. The consequence of this is and has been that
I actually work less effectively than I am able. This is because every little
task is already a failure, because it won’t get me tHere, because I can only
ever be right Here, within my current experience.
In the next few blogs, I will wright out this character that
is in a constant race from Here, in order to see how I created this experience
for myself so that I can stop and change it. It’s going to be really
interesting because, I can already feel I’m having many resistances towards
really looking at this point. It is a very familiar pattern in my life, and it
really hasn’t served me at all. It’s quite stressful and it makes me anxious.
It also feels disempowering because in my mind I want to be tHere, but no
matter how hard I try, I can’t get away from my current experience. It requires
time and steps to work towards my goals, it can’t just happen like a fast food
order- as I have been taught by media, technology and MacDonald’s. I need to
slooooow down, and bring myself back to Here, and take each step with a firmly planted
foot.
i can relate ... thanks Kim!
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