Day 86- Moving Forward, Missing the NOW

While I was talking to someone today, it was pointed out to me that I have the tendency to seek ‘forward motion.’ Within this tendency, I look for signs of accomplishments which would indicate to me that I am taking steps towards my goals, in order to have the experience of forward motion. For example, I’m job hunting at the moment, and it hasn’t even been a week, and I was talking about how I don’t have a job yet, and how I want to have the job NOW so that I can have ‘forward motion’ and be saving money and getting on with my big plans. The problem within this is that, I’m literally taking on this stance of constantly looking into the future and judging my current progress as if I’m looking back at myself. So I am , in my mind, waaaay ahead, looking back at me Here and being like, “common, catch up”. So instead of living in the one Here moment that is actually real, participating in my life with presences and awareness, I’m furiously rushing within myself to catch up to… myself.

When I go into this ‘mode’ or character, I experience myself as constantly ‘checking in’, judging my progress and getting pretty down on myself, as if I’m never doing enough. The consequence of this is and has been that I actually work less effectively than I am able. This is because every little task is already a failure, because it won’t get me tHere, because I can only ever be right Here, within my current experience.

In the next few blogs, I will wright out this character that is in a constant race from Here, in order to see how I created this experience for myself so that I can stop and change it. It’s going to be really interesting because, I can already feel I’m having many resistances towards really looking at this point. It is a very familiar pattern in my life, and it really hasn’t served me at all. It’s quite stressful and it makes me anxious. It also feels disempowering because in my mind I want to be tHere, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get away from my current experience. It requires time and steps to work towards my goals, it can’t just happen like a fast food order- as I have been taught by media, technology and MacDonald’s. I need to slooooow down, and bring myself back to Here, and take each step with a firmly planted foot.

Day 9 - Saying Hello

The most important thing that I’ve learned from having experienced 30 ‘new years’ is that a specific moment or event does not wipe the slate clean and allow one for a new beginning or ‘fresh start.’ I moved home yesterday. I’ve been gone for two years away at school, and now after all that time, I’m back.  I came back for three months in the summer last year, when I was all full of hope and ideas of new beginnings and fresh starts because I was all excited about ‘who I was going to be’ this time, and how I had changed and how everything would be different. Well, that didn’t happen. My bullshit was waiting for me there, like a stalker waiting patiently for its unsuspecting prey, it pounced on me the moment the initial excitement of being back home left and the reality of me, of who I am, settled back in. This leads me to the topic of today’s pattern: saying hello.

When I say hello to people who I’m meeting for the first time, sometimes I project into the future about the wonderful friendship I will have with them, the friendship I always dreamed of, and I just get a feel that maybe this will happen with this person. Or with moving; I love moving- changing apartments, changing cities, states, countries- because of the false perception I’ve created where I feel as though I have a new chance at a fresh start, as if I can run away from my problems, or from myself.

This dd not happen this time, because I decided not to delay the inevitable by participating in the energetic excitement of ‘fresh starts’ and ‘new beginnings’. I fell back into my personality that I created here immediately and the familiarity of the struggles and battles that occurred within me daily two years ago were right here with me, because, obviously, they were never gone. Its only day one and I already resisted getting up in the morning, getting ready for the da, I went online for too long, I procrastinated on getting out to do my errands, unpacking and organizing my life here, and I became overwhelmed by all the things I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when I am starting something new, that I can forget about who and what and how I am and have become as a human being and ‘start fresh’ without identifying, stopping and changing all the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in that have created me as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can ‘clean my slate’ by changing locations or starting new endeavors, without fully considering the entirety of who, what and how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe or perceive that I can so easily change, and that I can avoid facing me, or hide from myself by simply moving, doing something new or meeting new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to escape me and to not have to face and work through all the bullshit I have carried with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to abdicate my responsibility to myself by hiding or running away from myself, thus abdicating my responsibility to Life and by trying to find a ‘way out’ or a back door I can slip through and escape from, instead of realizing the simple truth that I cannot run away or hide from myself, and every time I try to I actually undermine any progress I may have made towards self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing me, and to resist working throu my bullshit as my baggage that I have created and manifested for myself throughout a life-time of not taking responsibility, instead of realizing that I am Here, and I’m not going anywhere so I might as well stop the games and start living for real, which begins by stepping up and exposing me to myself in order to stop and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energetic projections into the future to a future person or place I want to be without considering who I actually am and what it will take to get there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future a ‘me’ that is carefree, fun-loving, expressive, fearless and uninhibited and organized, instead of realizing myself as who and what I am, wherein I struggle with suppression, I often fear self-expression, I feel constantly inhibited by fear, shyness, embarrassment and judgment and I often struggle to get the basic life-stuff organized into an effective pattern of consistency.

Within this pattern of projecting, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by setting myself up for failure by projecting something that will take a process to get to, as if it is that easy to change the nature of who I am without first getting to know who I am, why I am, where I am and how I am. Until I know me completely, I will not be able to be fully Here, because there will always be a hidden part of me waiting to pounce on me in unsuspecting moments that will undermine me until I have faced me in my entirety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize and imagine what it would be like to be a different person, to experience myself as some ideal I have created instead of coming to terms with me Here, and walking with myself through space and time as I assist and support myself to let go, work through and expose me Here.

I commit myself to myself, the self that I am Here, to walking with myself through my manifested consequences until I am known in my entirety so that I may be able to be Here with the rest of humanity in this reality instead of in my head as a future projection that does not exist.

I commit myself to working towards self-change Here, where I actually am, within the realization that I cannot run from me, and that a new situation or place does not automatically grant me a ‘fresh start; but rather every breath I take is a fresh start as a starting point for me to start, and to keep starting until I’m done