Day 79- Fear of Confrontation (Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Application Statements )

Within this blog, I am writing self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from my previous blogs, Days 76 and 77. This is to assist and support myself to walk out of the fear of confrontation, and into and as a self-directed being of/as effective communication and self-authority.

I commit myself to push myself till I am able to stand stable in the face of confrontation or any other social interaction, within/through understanding my own mind and the within/as my mind fears I have created for myself, deconstructing those fears and seeing them for what they really are: limitation- Self-imposed limitation, that is. And within this, I realize I have a choice. Through self-forgiveness I can forgive myself for what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to live as thus far, because within forgiveness there is responsibility- the responsibility to change self- because a population of fearful and limited beings is not a population that will stand up for Life in this world. However, I can only take responsibility for myself, and change myself, because each is responsible for self and will face self at the end of the day.

When and as I see that I am suppressing myself due to the fear of feeling ‘bad or ‘wrong’ based on someone confronting me about something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that feeling ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ is no longer an option because now I have self-forgiveness: I forgive myself, I look at my starting point, and I change when/where necessary. In this way, I see, realize and understand that Life becomes all about learning, expanding and growing, instead of fearing, suppressing and controlling. Awesome.

Ego:

I commit myself to not take being confronted personally, because I understand the reaction of another is never about me, it’s only ever about self. Within this, I see, realize and understand that I can only make it about me if I am participating and interacting from a starting point of and as ego- because then all and everything is about me, thus:

When and as I see that I am participating with another from a starting point of ego- wherein I feel ‘attacked’ and like I’m ‘losing’ the fight, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back out of ego by breathing through the energetic experience of ‘loss’ and ‘defensiveness’ until the energy is gone. I realize that I cannot be trusted when I am participating within/as ego, so I direct myself to end the confrontation/interaction before I do any more damage/create any more consequences. I breathe, and I end it, and I realize that there is no competition, there are no ‘winners’ and ‘losers’. There is only effective or non-effective communication, and one is a waste of time.

I commit myself to write myself outwhenever I see that I participated from within/as a starting point of ego as one of many characters of the mind, until I see/realize/understand what triggered the character, why I accepted/allowed it, and how I developed it over time, so that I can effectively stop and erase that character in order that I remain Here through any and all interaction, as a stable being that can be trusted over time.

I commit myself to only participate in effective communication, and to perfect my communication skills till I can create/direct myself as an effective communicator of words that I Live as myself as Life.

When and as I think/believe/perceive that I have upset someone by what I have done/said, I stop, and I breathe. I stop myself from reacting in fear and I instead direct myself to look at the starting point of what I said. Can I stand by it, or was it from a starting point of ego. If I can stand by it, I humbly do. If it was from ego, I do not defend it, but rather stop, and let go, and breathe through the energetic experiences that may follow. I stop my participation until I see that I can be trusted to stand.

 

Authority

I commit myself to stop my reliance upon external authority, and to instead be/become a self-responsible being that considers myself and my place in this world, and acting according to principle, that I can be trusted and trust myself and Who I am in every breath, and thus not require authority.

When and as I see that I am accepting/allowing another to have authority over me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that any influence authority has within me indicates a lack of self-authority, so I take back my self-authority by being/becoming the author of myself, through scripting and directing myself as who I am/will be as a self-honest being that does what’s best for all. So…

When and as I see that the authority of another is influencing me in any way, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-authority by stopping my reaction and letting go, then bringing myself back Here by reminding myself that I had abdicated my self-authority, ad now is time to take it back. I take these moments as reminders that I must be my own authority in every single breath, or else somebody else will do it for me, and I do not want anyone to author my Life for me, as it will never be what’s best for me/best for all unless I take the self-responsibility to do it myself within/as self-equality as all as one as equal.

           

Day 34- Playing Roles for Others Instead of Expressing Myself (part deux)

          I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception, as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring, as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of caring for them.

            So, what this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am not enough as I am.

            Within all of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’ ‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’ for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles and instead to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything I have judged others for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build, create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters to is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions, people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is here with and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I currently experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can live within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through, there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the only pace possible.

Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,”  and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.

When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty. I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation one breath at a time I self-honesty.

I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.

I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I may care for others as me.

I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.