I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty
or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the
role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around
them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception,
as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to
do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring,
as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with
less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within
equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does
not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of
caring for them.
So, what
this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I
have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given
away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel
a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let
them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and
appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am
not enough as I am.
Within all
of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have
not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I
truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto
this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them
instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep
up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’
‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for
others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity
experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to
make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’
for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate
their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring
for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not
accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that
unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to
stop playing roles and instead to express myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to
stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment
will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything
I have judged others for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build,
create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down
within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment
I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that
others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my
participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is
self-judgment.
I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate
within and as self-judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to
exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters
to is me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe
in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions,
people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then
try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I
may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of
realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is
here with and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive
that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything
other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I
currently experience within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to
be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would
feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of
realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were
someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought
that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up
from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can
live within and as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and
resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking
a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through,
there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this
process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the
only pace possible.
Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand
that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for
others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I
utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to
me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become
ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of
standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within
the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,” and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations
I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as
self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process
without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.
When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please
myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to
awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I
Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty.
I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation
one breath at a time I self-honesty.
I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding
conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.
I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop
self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to
do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for
myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I
may care for others as me.
I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that
which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.
